The Grace Of God

when i was 13 i had a very adusive boyfriend who would hold me down and force me to do things to him sexualy he also did thinks to me i hated then he cumed near me becuse i didnt want to get pregnate and he would laugh at me being nervouse and one day he cumed and held me down while he fingered me with his *** still on his hand i felt so violated and i hated it of corse i cryed and felt so angry and freaked out. he of corse did it a few other times and at one point a hadnt had my period for 5 to 6 monthes at this age my period was always irregular but never this far apart i knew something was wrong i was almost sure i was pregnate two monthes eearlyer i had started getting moodier but that could have been hormones from beinf 13. but when i started puking in the moring i knew what was wrong i didnt know what to do and i didnt even know hoe far along i was becuse i had gone through this sexualy abuse for 3 to 4 months at this point we were just about broked up. i didnt tell him i though i was pregnate becuse if i kept the baby i never wanted him to see it. i was so scared i couldnt even make a doctors apointment i would have to aask my mom to make it and she would have to drive me i was way to younge befor i did anything i went in my room and prayed to god for three days i couldnt get this off my mind abortion for me was never an opption. i knew i wudnt be the best parent at my as and honestly i was still a child myself and how could a raise a baby and go to school i wasnt even in high school yet that is not practicle at all but i could never give my baby away... adaption could have been the best opion but i couldnt fathum giving away my baby. i was in such a difficult situation. I didnt want to tell my parents they would be so disapointed in me i couldnt tell then i was sexulay abused that would be so hard on them. i kept praying and praying for answers i desided that if god didnt givr me a sign then i would tell my mom everything. Well god was lisning to me the next day i was cramping so bad i was so uncomfortable and i didnt want to get out of bed i went to go in the bathroom i was cramping really bad i felt the urge to push and thought that i just had to go but instead out of my .. you know i felt a hot ball of tissue covered in blood followed by a spew of blood and more tissue i was a mess i knew that was gods sign that everything was solved .. no baby i miscarried right there in my bathroom i cleaned myself up and the bathroom i am not greatful that i went through this but god works in misteriouse days the following sunday i sent some exstra time praying hoping that my possible baby was safe in gods arms now and that everything would get better and it did i never saw the boy again
nicole518 nicole518
18-21, T
2 Responses Sep 14, 2012

and now you do things right i hope and eventually think what ever you do for your future....

well as best i am i dont know id there is ever a right way to do anything but now i have the most amazing boyfriend in the whole world he would rather die than ever hurt me and i love him so much

im sorry you had to go through the same thing i did except the guy wasnt abusive, i found him in a house smoking crack.. i lost my son at 4 1/2 months into my pregnancy and i seen him in the toilet as well, he was so tiny i know that this might sound disgusting but i picked him out of the toilet and put him in the ground where i know no one knows about. i go there from time to time but its hard because he was my son and i havent heard or seen the dad until i got a facebook msg from him 2 years asking if my oldest daughter was his and i was like no and if it was i would of had a boy and then told him never to msg me again so i understand completely

im sorry that it happend to you its soo terrifying and scarrie

it really is it still hurts me everyday and every may31 i go and see him just to tell him how much i love him and miss him. but i know hes in good hands in heaven and i will see him when its my time to go

i have a hard time too april 20th i think about my angel and wonder what could have been had things been differant