The Blame Game

I still remember the first time I lost a baby. I was about 15 and 2 months pregnant. I didn't realise it at the time. My then-partner told me he was infertile, and that meant it was okay for him to blow inside me. Being dub and 15, I believed him.

I was a heavy smoker back then, when my life was in tatters from all sides. All I had were my friends and my partner. I was young and stupid, and I had no idea I was pregnant until I miscarried.

I was on the toilet when it happened. At 2 months, there isn't much, but I was nowhere near that time of the month. I remember looking down at it and being in just this numb state of shock. It was such an odd, cold feeling. It wasn't long before I started blaming my partner.

I rang him straight away. He fell silent when I told him. He didn't believe me and it was obvious. He tried accusing me of sleeping around and when that didn't work, he simply said the fault was mine. I retorted, of course, and amidst all the arguing, I forgot to think about the baby that I'd just lost.

It hit me soon afterward, I got off the phone and burst into tears. The Blame Game had started, and this time I was blaming myself. It made me sick, I felt like ****, I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do then. I didn't know how to go about doing the thing i didn't know how to do! It was so scary, and It made me realise how much worse off I'd have been if I had given birth to a baby that I had with that awful bastard.

The second miscarriage was last year, with my now fiancé. I was about 5 months in, and was fully aware I was pregnant. I was excited too. Pregnant again at 17 wasn't my favourite option in the world, but **** happens, and I was full ready this time, to give this child the life it deserved. I did everything I could, stopped smoking, stopped drinking, took great care of myself and studied up on parenting skills. Everything was looking damn peachy.

We were both feeling it was a girl. Even so, we didn't care. We were happy. He went away and left me for a few months to my own devices. This was when it happened. 4 weeks after he'd taken a plane up north for work, I started to feel funny again. I'd tripped about a few times, I haven't the best balance on a good day and here I am with a baby in my belly!! I have two dogs, and they often get under your feet trying to gain your attention. I didn't see them wiggling about between my ankles and tripped over my puppy Chester, which sent me crashing to the floor.

I suppose you can all figure out what happened next. I've never heard my partner cry so hard in his life. Through the sobs, he told me it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't blame l. To this day I still do. It gives me this aching pain in my gut, this loss of a beauty I was soon to call mine. My angel. Mine. I know that I should have been more careful, and I always remind myself of that day. Maybe it was fate's way of saying that I wasn't ready yet. I sure felt like I was.

Often I wonder what my life would be like with two gorgeous children. I know they would have been gorgeous. Beautiful angels with fantastic souls. I don't discuss it anymore, my fiancé seems to have moved on and forgotten. I don't think its the kind of thing I could EVER forget. I have a whole life ahead of me now, and every time I fail, I find new ways to improve. Next time, I'll be ready. I'll have learned from my mistakes and I'll be certain.