Will Not Go Down (sorry Little Long)

Don't know how to fully look at my dad.  Sometimes I'm afraid I may not be seeing something I should, I've tried to look at things from his prespective but I can't.  Being the oldest I've felt like the protector as I was once called by a counsellor.  when I was younger I would try to push him away from my mom and sisters and stand up for them and take beatings.  Since I was a little girl as far as I can remember he always hit my mom.  Till this day when I remember her tears and her face showing so much pain it makes me cry for her sorrow.  She stays in the relationship for my sisters and her rep. and the fear I guess of being without a partner.  He's so extremly mental that it's just bizarre and mind boggeling trying to figure out how he thinks.  Grade 3 my mom went to work at nite and I would help at home cleaning and taking care of my sister while dad was asleep drunk.  He would wake up at nite at any time and scream and shout and hit regardless of school nights.  I used to be scared in grade 11 12 to come out of my room to eat dinner or clean the kitchen because when I finally showed face it gave him a chance to stand there and scream, swear and taunt me, about how I will never go to college and he won't help and make fun of my appearance.  Basically a skinny child.  College days I stayed home worked two jobs and went to school couldnt focus much when i wasn't home I worried about my mom and younger sisters.  Cops knew us well, neighbours did too, and thourghout school I was teased for the way I dressed obviously and news spread about my drunk abusive dad.  So embarrassing.  He calls us names all the time and never, never, never have any of us daughters disrespected him in any way.  It's wierd after a few weeks you just see the anger starting to build in him and he slowly starts picking and yelling about pety things like the tv on after 10 or the bathroom light being left on.  The other day I made lasagna for dinner and he didn't eat it saying it was high in cholestral he yelled about it.  Then few days later I came and made him pitas and he complained it was just salad.  He used to get in my face noses almost touching and him spitting screaming at me trying to provoke me to hit him so he can call the cops on me.  Grade 8 I finally began standing up to him only when he would get physically abusive towards my mom or sisters and he hated that I was doing thing.  He would make up horrible lies about me and spread horrible rumours to relatives and friends those who never met me believed him those who met me loved me and began siding with me and my mom and sisters.  Trying to talk to him is completely impossible regardless of how and when you ask him if he's upsest about soemthing.  Counsellors have never helped, one guy I told him straight up front that you will never be able to help my family or dad, and he wanted to show me he can.  Months later he said that never in his 20 years of experience has he met someone like my dad.  When we were kids he never played with us, never told us he loved us or hugged us, he never took us to the movies, or anywhere.  I started taking my sisters out when I got my first job at 17 I paid for my school, clothes and everything I could just so he couldn't throw it in my face that he paid for me for anything.  Always just drunk and always complaining about silly pety things that would blow anyone away that he would start such a comotion over nothing.  Oh other day he blew up to the point where I finally after half hour of hearing his rudeness called him a liar and he called the cops.  Just because my mother was washing the dec, and asked him if he can pull out HIS car so she can wash that too. Seriously?! he is not normal... and one time when my sister was in grade 2 she was singing and because he told her to be quiet which she forgot and started playing and singing again he slammed her head into a pole making her bleed.  He's punched me so hard on my ear once that it hurt for few years and I had dried blood sometimes coming out of it. 

beokay beokay
26-30, F
Feb 24, 2010