Not Myself...i Hate Myself.

I nearly destroyed my marriage last night.  I lost it, completely, and over something so meaningless and petty that I can hardly look in the mirror.  I make myself sick.

Saying that I have a bad temper may be an understatement in this case, and saying I have a bad temper doesn't begin to explain the extremes of my moods.  I read another story here that described it well, and I hope they don't mind if I borrow their analogy:  I have a very long fuse connected to a massive bomb.  I'm an easygoing person, for the most part I don't get flustered.  I've been told that I'm "serene".  If only they knew.  My friends would be appalled to see me explode, I'm a different person, completely unrecognizable.

I said the most terrible, painful  things to my husband last night, and somewhere inside I knew I didn't mean them... so why couldn't I stop! ?!  It felt  like I was standing within my own self-destructive storm, and at the eye, in the calm, I could see clearly, I could think and reason. 

The storm abates.  And I hate myself.  I want to die, rather than make him cry again. 

Shame.

natlynn natlynn
26-30, F
8 Responses Jun 28, 2007

Hi, my mom has this problem so frikin bad, being that I had to grow up with her i now have an anger problem too, however mine is if someone i DONT like ****** me off, I do NOT take my anger out on my husband and son who I LOVE. I also dont at all understand doing that-you will end up pushing away the person you love. My mother is STILL extremely abusive to my step father and has been for SO many years, I dont know why he stays but I suspect he has sever self confidence issues and I also worry that one day his built up rage will explode and he will kill her-I had a nightmare to this affect once and it has always haunted me. Ok so this Is what I heard On TV and it really rang true at least from what I can see with my mom. When people are feeling vulnerable that is a bad feeling-when we are angry we feel in CONTROL. They said on TV that the more angry and explosive a persons temper is, the more vulnerable and not in control the person (actually) feels. Most ppl with this problem are normal at work and other places then come home and vent like hell on thier husbands, wives, kids familes. It is a lose lose situation, not only are the family members miserable (and obviously this can cause familys to break up as well) the person who is venting is ALSO miserable. Thats what they said on TV and I beleive it. <br />
Now as for my take-a little child cries and screams and gets what they want, so they continue to cry and scream whenever they want something, when they learn this behaviour works for them-grown ups are not really different, they scream argue accuse demean and belittle to get what they want (control) and if no one stops them they will just keep it up. I am the child of a person with this bullcrap anger problem and I want to tell all of you, STOP IT. Your children will never get over it, they will always be angry at YOU. Even if they treat you decent, deep down they will always carry resentment. Your spouse is not your enemy, have some guts and stand up to the ppl who actually ARE giving you a hard time. I told my mom recently she is going to end up old bitter and alone, maybe you guys cant visualize that, but the only thing worse than taking your temper out on your loved ones and being miserable, is being ALONE and miserable. GET SOME HELP. FEELING BAD DOESNT CHANGE A DARN THING AND IT WIL JUST FEED INTO THE NEGATIVE ENERGY THAT MAKES YOU ACT OUT (BE ABUSIVE). And do you realize thats whats goin on? You are being ABUSIVE. YES thats right, abusive.Think about it. Think how you would feel if someone else was treating your spouse or kid that way??

can any1 help me out if they exsperience the same as me. i lost my temper so quick but dont take it out on any1 but my husband. i have had cruel things happen me in my past and thought i deserve 2 let people and family treat me like durt cos i deserved it in my head but now years on i get angry on how i let people hurt me like they did and im angry at them. i work myself in2 a temper and take it out on husband i try not 2 times i think im gona explode wot can i do any1 please . i hate wot i am

can any1 help me out if they exsperience the same as me. i lost my temper so quick but dont take it out on any1 but my husband. i have had cruel things happen me in my past and thought i deserve 2 let people and family treat me like durt cos i deserved it in my head but now years on i get angry on how i let people hurt me like they did and im angry at them. i work myself in2 a temper and take it out on husband i try not 2 times i think im gona explode wot can i do any1 please . i hate wot i am

I feel like you just described me. It's so damn embarrassing. I hear the words and feel my face boiling and underneath it all I can hear what I am saying and can't believe what is coming out of my mouth.<br />
I am known as a free spirit that loves nature and animals.. <br />
what the hell is wrong with me.

I had the same outburst. I said some nasty things to my wife that I really didn't mean but I was so angry. I was shaking my fist and yelling and telling her that I hated her. I would never hit her but I feel shaking the fist is just as bad. She was scared and angry. We argued over the stupidest thing and I got so upset. I decided to go see a therapist to see if it would help. She is very stubborn and she also admits that too. So when we argue, I raise my voice and yell and it make the situation worse. I need to be calm. I raise my voice and curse at my kids too. I know it's not good. Any advice out there would be great. thanx!

me too!!! but councelling is good, venting!!! ive had alot of abuse in my life so i blow up quick!!!<br />
Getting better!!! sorry's a god start!!!<br />
From Feflower in NZ

Thank you both for the kind words..

Well, unfortuanately most people take out their bad side on the ones they love and the rest of the world doesn't see much ugly side. I hate to hear so much pain in your words. You certainly don't deserve to die for whatever you said. Just try to learn something from what happened so you can do something different next time you feel the need to explode.