I Feel Like I Became More Of A Rational Adult Than My Father Will Ever Be... And It Makes Me Sad

Now that I'm an adult and I can think and act for myself, I notice that as someone who does not suffer from bipolar, I was able to reverse a lot of habits I picked up from being around my dad. I know it depresses me to know that I'm healthier, and I think it depresses him too. I mourn the fact that I can't really sit down and have a reasonable conversation with him. He's no longer a parental figure to me.

I feel really awful for saying this, but I try as hard as I can to keep him out of my life because he acts so manically. I'm still an undergraduate in college and I do everything I can to avoid having him speak to anyone from my school, because he never makes any sense to someone who doesn't know how to deal with someone like him. He raises his voice, gets very tense and anxious, and downright scares most people who don't know him (and those who do). I avoid letting him deal with any of my financial issues because money especially puts him in a completely manic state. I can't even tell him when my car needs to be worked on because I can't stand the mania that such a trivial thing sets off in him.

In addition to being manic, though, he's extremely patriarchal and thinks everything that comes up for anyone in the family needs to be micromanaged by him. It's really difficult to tell someone that they can't micromanage your life because they're not well enough to do so, and the urge to micromanage at all is a symptom of his illness.

He's not violent... anymore. Not physically, anyway. He still treats my mom like **** for absolutely no reason and takes every opportunity available to put down my brother and I. Nothing is ever good enough for him.

I guess the hardest part about becoming an adult was realizing that there's nothing I can do to change the way he is and I shouldn't take it personally. I should act in my own best interest (which usually means excluding him), but I have to understand that he's so far gone that he doesn't even realize how ill he is.
cari7 cari7
18-21, F
Aug 1, 2010