When It Becomes Obsessive

It is 3:10 in the morning.

I am never up at this hour of the night unless I am working on a project. Well, I have been out of college since April and I have absolutely no reason to be spending my time awake at this hour.

Yeah, tell that to my brain that won't shut down because it has too many thoughts running through it. The worst part of it is when you have so much that you need to get off your mind and just talk about and nobody is around to listen, either that or they are so preoccupied with their own world that they do not have time. So, you are left with what? A moment where you need to talk but there is not a single ear to be lent.

Moments like this suck, especially for someone like me because I am the kind of person that likes and wants to say what is on my mind. I like conversations and I like interactions with people. Yet, here I am... writing a blog because everyone else is or should be sleeping... and hell, very few people read this blog anyway, and I bet the people who I REALLY want to read it aren't.

And I hate it when people say 'Call me at anytime, no matter what.' We all know that it is just a courtesy. We all know that the majority of people don't really mean it... they just say it to sound like they 'really care'. Whatever.

And what about the 'drinking buddies'? You know, those individuals who you go out with to have a few cold ones and 'shoot the ****' with? What are we really talking about? Gripes, moans and whatever... and chilling out the issues with alcohol. Does this make us alcoholics? No. Actually the majority of the times I have been out for some drinks with friends lately have been surrounded by actual conversations that make me truly ponder a lot about my life... and what I actually drink is minimal. The past few times I have felt like an outsider anyway. Kinda feel like I am slowly becoming an unwelcome guest. I may be wrong, but I feel that way, and I am sick and tired of not being able to share my feelings.

Last Friday I went out... I left work and went to a bar that I frequent and met up with a good friend. During the 4 hours we hung out together I had a total of 3 beers. We talked about graphic design, art, secret societies, internet addiction, sex, organized religion and our favorite foods. Yeah, our conversation ran the gamut and we topped off the night with a hookah and watching some belly dancers for about 20 minutes. I like to watch belly dancers, not for sexual arousal but because of the art behind the dance. Sure, go ahead, think and say what you want... I am not a f*cking pervert.

Saturday morning was no different in terms of my mood. I needed to get out. I cannot stand sitting around and not doing anything. So I took my daughters to the zoo. Yep, the day was not really that hot and I wanted to spend some time outside and we had a blast. With a snack of gummy bears, raisins, trail mix and Capri Sun, we strolled the paths... all the time the girls were laughing and calling out to the animals, while I was 'people watching'. I tend to want to do that because I am in an office all day long where I have little or absolutely no contact with people other than via email or phone calls. That is the only downside to my position.

Seeing couples walking hand in hand, complete families spending their day together... even saw a woman and her sons which kinda gave my hopes a brief renewal on humanity. The fact that she was probably in her late 60's, her eldest son looked like an ex con, covered in tattoos from neck to ankle and the youngest boy was probably 10-13, and they were strolling together, enjoying their time. I was glanced at a lot as well, it was probably the fact that I was laughing so hard when my girls would say something weird or funny.

But then I saw the other people... the ones who looked like being outside was a 'chore', the ones who talked loudly on their cellphones or could not keep their kids in harmony for 3 minutes because they were fighting over a portable game. Heck, there was even a guy who took his friggin' laptop to the zoo and 'sat there'. Just SAT THERE while his wife and kids strolled the zoo. I heard the comment of 'I'll be right here when you guys finish,' and it was not said with a kind reassuring voice either.

It sucks when you tend to observe and listen too much. In silence your senses become more in tune with what goes on because you can hear every little thing that happens, so when you're in a crowd your ears are bombarded with noise and you can pick out each and every little detail.

People are forgetting how to live. People are forgetting how to let go of the chains that keep them tied down. Hell, I am not excluding myself... I am talking 'in general', but from a personal view, and I for one and getting fed up with it. I am fed up with dealing with depression and the feeling of being useless and unappreciated. I am fed up with silence and no interaction. I actually hate silence now with a passion.

But what tends to calms me? That which is most sacred to me... the fact that I have the ability to breathe, work and create. The fact that I am able to do things and nothing is holding me back. The fact that I said '**** this, **** my depression' and said 'I want to live.'

I remember, when I was hospitalized for my first suicide attempt back in 1994, I was in the psychiatric ward where we were in group therapy and I made a comment about 'being excited to go back outside.'... only to be shot down by the soldier next to me who said 'You're pathetic if you think you can be happy by watching the damn grass grow.' I also remember a time when I got out of the hospital and we went for as field exercise, and I had a renewed faith in life, I was saying good morning to everyone, hoping they were all having a good day thus far... until one fellow soldier basically yelled at me from across the mess tent, 'Would you shut the **** up??!!! You're g*ddamn annoying!!!'

It was moments like those that made me say 'Why the **** do I even try?'

Even these days trying to maintain a positive attitude can only be achieved by individual efforts. In today's society everyone is so caught up with issues and 'sarcasm' has become the new 'happy pill' that people have forgotten what 'common courtesy' and 'manners' are. They deal with negative, angry people at work, being either customers or co-workers, and deal with even angrier, negative people at home. So yes, it becomes a struggle, a very difficult one. Especially for someone who deals with bouts of depression that lead to thoughts becoming so overwhelming that it causes what is happening to me right now...

... the inability to sleep.

It's 4:04am.

I am usually starting to wake up at this hour.

Anyway. You all know me and you all know I refuse to BS around anymore. That is why I created this blog, to get things off my chest and say things the way I see them. My thoughts may be all fact or completely based on assumptions with no credibility at all, but the point is that it is what is on my mind.

It has become obsessive for me... so much I need to get out of my head, so much I need to share, so much I want to f*cking talk about... and nobody to listen.

And I know for a fact that there are some ****** and idiots out there who are going to say 'What you need to do is 'this' or 'that'... blah blah blah'.

No, the fact of the matter is that I am not on the 'inside looking out'. I am not trapped. I am not seeking help...

The reality is that I feel like I am on the 'outside looking in'.

THAT is how I feel, but I refuse and I cannot walk away.

Stop the world... I want to get off.

And, as always, I do not apologize for whoever I upset with my ramblings.
Mikahel Mikahel
36-40, M
2 Responses Jul 12, 2010

Thank you. :-)

u know i'm here for u....