I can't tell you how it all began. It all happened so fast. One minute I see an Ad on Craigslist askign to write about your fantasies. It was a sad post to be honest Just some poor lonely guy looking to spice up his boring marriage by reading the fantasies of women in the world.
I thought it was strange at first, some weirdo on the other side of nowhere asking for fantasies. Yet i was so desperate to tell him what I wanted the fear of oddness passed.It was all suppose to be just for fun. He was " My Escape" and I his.
It began in January and we would just say hi or great weather we are having. I stop writing to him after a while because to me it made no sense to speak to a stranger online. By June I recieved an email out of the blue just to say hello and ask how things were. I never replied.
August came around and I couldn't get my fantasies out of my head. The Daydreaming of that someone who will fulfill all my lustful fantasies if only shared online.
Yes I am human and I have needs. I am in a loveless, sexless marriage, what else could I do? Yes I have tried counceling and they all say the same thing " leave him" but we have a family, children we made a commitment to eachother and we need to see it through.
Ok i emailed him and asked if he minded speaking to an old Chat mate? We hit it off, as if we had never parted ways, for months. We would sneak emails in, or chats, morning emails, night emails even during the day emails. We never talk about the family, it's too personal just about ourselves. Just who we are and our likes, dislikes and things that make us laugh. We found out we have so many things in common and it felt nice to have a connection with someone out there. For once I wasn't all alone, He was there too. The deal was no attachments and just sharing fantasies, just let it be. Maybe one day we were going to meet but no rush.Then that day came out of the blue, just a coincidence that we were in the same place at the same time. I have never felt what i felt that day. It was as if my heart wanted to stop in my chest.
The whole world around me just faded away. I mean I saw no one but him. He was walking down a flight of stairs, rushing to get out of the same building I was in. I was talking to someone and something inside me just walked away from this other person and i walked towards my escape. Our eyes locked and neither one of us could speak. I saw his reaction as my own, we were just holdign our chest, our breath. I think we made a scene. I was out of breath and my whole body shock. I twas the greatest and scariest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. Onyl thing that we could do is smile. Then all of a sudden the noise came back and we relaized we were in a crowded room full of people we might both know. He left and I stood behind, shocked at my own reaction.
I had never experienced this before. I met my husband when we were young, my first love, my first kiss my first boyfriend but never did i experience this earth shaking, nerve breaking, feeling. I felt alive every nerve in my body on fire. it was amazing and scary.
It was also nice to know I wasnt the only one who felt it. We decided to see eachother again to just be face to face, jus tlike in our fantasies no talking, no touching just watching eachother through the books in a library or the aisle in a supermarket, just two strangers glancing at eachother. I tdidn't last long. In a matter of moments we were side by side, taking in eachothers scent and breath. We couldnt move, we smile and turn red and lock eyes and giggle together and fianlly we kissed. A kiss that will forever be buried in my memory. After that I go tvery scared and decided to get him out of my life for good. That lasted 24 horrible hours.
He left me ads online looking for me. He left me notes int eh library liek all the other little love notes but this time with " I miss you. Please dont leave me" I was so confused. i still am sometimes. He didn't want me to get attached that was his first and only request. i had agreed but for myself unable to disconnect and reason.
it's now over a month and I am head over heels, the most we have done was searched a kiss. A glance a smile. yet we are more intimate than I have been in my marriage, ever!
how do I walk away from a man who consumes my soul with just a smile. Is it lust? I thought so at first but we both understadnw e can't act upon anything because we are committed inour homes. We can't take away from home to give eachother. I suppose that's a line neither one of us is capable of crossing.
I'm confused. i can't sleep. I can't eat. I am trying to stop emailing him but find him emailing me all day long. He has even gone as far as locked himself out of his car trying to leave me little "notes" and had to call his wife. As discrete as he says he wants to be. I feel he is doing a bad job as I feel I am. Funny part of it all one thing we both want is to be able to hug eachother even if it's only once.
I'm so lost, so very confused. I know he fills this void deep within me. I've never been a love head over heels girl. My whole world consist of doing power moves. Life ot me was a game of Chess I had to be one step ahead at everythign be good or great at , even my marriage was because it made sense. Children were a compromise as well as schooling and work. To now feel all these things as once I feel overwhelmed.
I was raised by a single mother who believed neither boys nor girls cried , you keep your feeling under control and it's been so all my life. Until now, this man comes along and has me like silly putty. I want to be beside him jsut standing there in his breath and that would be ok with me.
Am I losing my mind? Maybe but i want to go crazy with him!
Where do i think this will led me? I dont know but I think I am willing ot find out. I know he is too. I think that's what's hard we are realizing there is so much between us this connection since the first time we saw eachother. yet we are stuck where we are because it's the right thing to do.
Anyway thank you for reading.