Fell In Love With A Stranger

So for the past month or so, I've been in this one chat room. It's for a very awesome webcomic, but for reasons of privacy, I am not going to say which one. (If webcomics are you're thing, feel free to ask me about it with a private message.)

There's this amazing guy who is the author/artist for the comic. I went into this chat to specifically meet him and tell him how much I loved his work. I was warmly accepted into the tight-knit group of friends (It's helped that I'm female, not too many of those around on there, lol.), including the artist/author. We shall call him "S" for the sake of this post.

S and I got along very well from the beginning and began to talk almost all the time. His girlfriend (I'm going to call her that for the sake of simplicity, even though their relationship is a bit different than that) is also involved in the comic, but with managing the site and the business aspects of it. About two weeks or so of being there, S and his g/f ended their relationship due to what I later found out was physical issues that she was having. Because of this, S was talking more in the chat, especially in a pm with me. I was like a little kid meeting a rock star. I was fascinated with him. Please note, this is the first webcomic artist/author I've ever talked to. I'm a huge fan of his work and was more than a little star stuck XD

We talked about how I'm getting married in July to my fiance and how I am leaving for NZ at the end of the year. I said, in my innocent naive thinking, I would really like to visit you at some point before I leave. S was naturally shocked, but we started making casual plans. At this point, I didnt have a crush or like him in the romantic sense. He's just a really awesome guy! And there are other people from the chat who I'd love to meet as well, so it was never just about meeting only him. The plans to visit brought us to the point we're at now, though we never intended it to.

To clarify, this is mutual attraction, heh. Since he was without his girlfriend, he was feeling very vulnerable, but he really didn't let it show until after our feelings were revealed. We originally established there was no sexual tension between us. And I don't think there was. But as we talked more, it became apparent how much we had in common and how innocent seeming words had a double meaning. I am a very affectionate person, both in real life and online. We would "hug" and "cuddle" all the time; I do so with most of the people I know. However, there was one moment when we both had to take a step back because we both sensed the tension barely hiding. The attraction could no longer be hidden and S admited to day dreaming about me. We were doomed from that point. We didn't ask for this; we didn't go looking for it. It's just happened.

Since the last time I was active on here, my fiance and I have talked about my feelings toward others outside of our relationship. We have come to an understanding of openness and trust in the relationship. He knows that I will care for more than just him in my life, but that he will always be my greatest love. So falling for S isn't a problem on my end. We eventually began to talk on the phone, which made the tension better and worse, lol. I felt more at ease, and the residual giddiness did fade. But it made my feelings for him more apparent.

S loves his girlfriend (they got back together this week) and she love him very much. It's obvious. But I think...no, I -know- he also loves me. I love him too. The different kind of relationship they have together, he told me he wanted that with me. And under different circumstances, we'd be working toward that......S really is a stranger to me. We've only known each other a month or so, and we have never met in real life. But neither of us can hide what is there. I'm now worried it's ruining what he has with his girlfriend. They have a very honest relationship with each other, and I know she knows our feelings toward each other. The extent of what else she knows is not for me to know. Nothing seems to have changed between her and I, which is good. But I know things have changed between S and her. I worry about them. I -want- them to be happy together. I love S and I'd be a fool if I didn't let him follow his heart and be happy in his choices.

There is no happy ending waiting for S and I. Even if they broke up again, I can't be that person for him. If I was single, yes, but not as an almost married woman. He'd want me all to himself, understandably. I can live with how things are. But I needed someone to know, hence why I'm posting this. Maybe I'll see him in our next lives here :) Until then, I will love him from afar...

Ihavehopeagain Ihavehopeagain
18-21, F
Feb 28, 2010