I Have A Boyfriend In Jail....

I am 39 years old and have been dating my guy for 6 months.  He had moved back to his home state from across the country after his brother died to care for his mother with MS.  They had a turbulent relationship to say the least and her mood swings could be practically unbearable as she was taking many different narcotic pain medications.  They got in a terrible fight and he went to get past her and knocked into her.  She fell, he tried to help her up, but she was so high she was convinced he was trying to attack her.  She called me up hysterical, yelling and crying, and finally gave the phone to him.  He was also upset.  I talked to him for a while and during that time, she left the apt. and went to a friends house.  He hadn't slept because they'd been fighting all night so he finally collapsed in sleep.  Later the friend of his mother came over and said he had to leave.  I told him to come to my house, he packed all his things and did.  He went without seeing or speaking to his mother again, never tried to go back for things he had left behing and didn't even call her.  two weeks later, a family friend left a message on his Facebook wall that there was a warrant out for his arrest for attempted murder.  I had spoken to her on the phone a few times to make sure she was ok because he did care but did not want to make the situation worse by arguing with her.  She never said a word.  It was over a week after not hearing from him and having no reason to fear him returning that she filed a police report saying he had choked her into unconsciousness (which I knew wasn't true since she called me before the argument was even over).. He wanted to do the right thing and clear everything up so he turned himself in.  His mother spoke to me and him on the phone several times before he did, saying she didn't want it to go this far, her friend talked her into it, she will do anything to help. Unfortunately, in cases of domestic violence, when someone wants to drop the charges, it doesn't matter.  The state takes over the case and will prosecute anyways.  I am trying to be supportive and positive.  We talk on the phone every day.  I'm waiting to be approved to be a visitor.  I've already written a letter, sent a card, sent photos.  I've never been in this situation before.  It's hard because I feel like when people hear your boyfriend's in jail they are very quick to judge.  I love him and miss him but refuse to give up on him or us..  If anyone has any suggestions on the best things to do or say or any advice of any kind on maintaining a good relationship during this forced separation I would really appreciate it.  Thank you to anyone who may have read my story and allowed me to vent.
devilbunny devilbunny
1 Response Aug 3, 2010

Hi, I feel like I know what you are going through. I'm a 21 year old Criminology student. About a year ago I met my boyfriend and we've be inseparable since. When I first met him he was struggling with an addiction, he was in his first stages of recovery as a matter of fact. I have a family member that went through the same thing and so, I reached out and helped my now boyfriend through it. He's been clean almost a year now.<br />
Roughly, six months before we met he had committed a crime. He stole some money from a man he was working for, in order to feed his addiction. He was arrested shortly after the incident occurred, and checked himself into a rehab. He has since taken every positive step to get his life back; he entered college again, began working full time, and remained sober. Two weeks ago, he was finally convicted and tried. He turned himself in the day after. It has been the longest two weeks of my life. I cannot begin to explain how long these days feel.<br />
We live in a small town where everyone knows everything about anyone. I'm a bartender at a classy place in town, and I had the hardest time facing people the first night back to work after it was printed in the paper. And I'm going to relay the advice my co-worker gave me ( her son was imprisoned for drug related charges several times), "The people that know you, and that know him, they know what kind of people you are. You've gotta be strong because you don't have another choice."<br />
As far as communication goes, I'm able to write and speak with him everyday. Some how, that doesn't make it any easier. I feel like the institutional mindset over takes everything and it can be difficult to relate to anything he's going through, doing, or saying. You have just got to remain committed and stick it out. <br />
I hope this helped, my thoughts are with you.