Bipolar Confusion

Ken and I have known each other for almost 4 years. We have become real close with one another say in the last 2 years. I have known I was in love with him for over a year and half.

It has not been an easy road. Both of us are recovering drug addicts. We stopped using for several months. We thought are lives would get better. Huh,, not. Ken is also an alcoholic. He has suppressed so many things in side for forty five years and now it is all coming out at once.

He is trying, however with Bipolar it is real hard and a daily struggle. He gets raging anger fits exspecially if he drinks. He was married before for 20 years and she cheated and ripped his heart and trust apart. Of course with that out the door. You got it. He believes I want another man.

He has continually stated to me several times that if it was not for me being with him, he would of left this area, he hates where he lives and needs a fresh start. He continually thinks I am having an affair, and if not that one day I will. I will get a good job and leave him for another man at work like the wonderful ex wife did. He also stated that his new counselor thinks a relationship is to difficult for him right now. Being in the beginning of therapy and trying to stop drinking. I kind of agree with the Doc only from what actions I get from Ken.

It hurts so bad, I know that I have to let him find himself and heal broken wounds. I know that right now even though he loves me and I love him, we can't be together. He needs time. And I love him enough to do that, and wait. However, it is tearing me apart.

I have been married before, one divorce, and now a widow. I also buried a fiance. Yeah the last ten years have been great. I don't understand why this hurts so bad. I have been through a lot. And through all of it, even though I have been hurt, I knew I would survive, and everything would work out. This time, this time is different.

I don't know how to explain what I am feeling right now. I am sad, I am worried, lonely.  I just want to hug him, know he is OK. It bugs me that he does not feel my love, I have been there for him and have tried as he has for me. I don't know why he can't see right now. He is sick, and I can't help him. It hurts. He thinks I have deserted him, and I have not. I have to give him space to grow and heal and I don't know how to help him understand. I have never left his side, and never will.

My only question is will I ever have my Ken back? Be able to hold him, lay together at night and rub our lotion on each other and make each other feel warm and special, and have our long talks. Play darts and play boxing, our walks, There are so many good things about our relationship, but this bipolar makes it very ugly looking to... Some people, family members thinks are relationship is ruined and no reason to work on it. Just throw it aside like a rag doll. I don't understand. And it hurts bad.

I can't concentrate, I have trouble remembering things, staying on task, My stomach and chest hurt. I am a blubbering idiot. and I don't understand...... Am I fighting a no win situation... how do I go on from here... I am not suicidal either.. I mean, what does he want me to do... Does he understand what is going on... I don't understand what is going on... Where do we go from here.. Will he come back to me.... HELLLLLP!!!!

daisymay123 daisymay123
Feb 22, 2009