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The Days I Do Not Want to Go Home From Work

My boyfriend has a diagnosis as bipolar, I'm not sure it is true, because I never saw him manic, but I saw him in depression for several times.

We are now together for more than 7 years, he is the only man I ever loved and the most of the last 7 years were really good.

Nearly 6 ago I first realized his mental illness. He had a really difficult job, he worked from 8am til 9pm. Did not eat and not sleep in the end but never told me, we did not live together at this time, we only met on weekends.  He stopped going to work, and called his parents and went home (he was 21). He switched off his mobile, and did not even tell me anything. I was in panic, never reaching him, I called him at work, they told me, he took the day off. I could not believe. After 2 days not hearing of him, I called his parents. They thanked me for calling, and told me he is with them. (Thanks for what? I was in panic....)

He quit his job, went to the mental hospital, left it a month later, found a new job an other month later.

This job he loved, he now works in this company for nearly 6 years. We had a great live, we moved together, I had no money I was at university, he paid the appertment for us both, of course my parents paid for my meals and university. He was great!

One year ago I finished university, I have now a job I'm earnig more then he, but I do not really like my job, but anyway I'm still doing it.

He got promoted in his job, to a position he never was trained for. And he can just not do it. 7 weeks ago, he stopped working. Was crying around two weeks, sitting home, not letting me sleep, moaning all night. As I said, I do not really like my job, but this days I did not really want to go home, I was afraid. Every evening we are discussing for hours it ends in nothing... After two weeks he took 4 sleeping pills at the same time, It was probably a quite week suicide attempt, but enough for me, as he was talking of suicide all the time.... I called his father, we brought him to the mental hospital.

10 days later he left, he wanted to do his old job again. For 4 weeks it was ok, now he broke down again. Orally he quit the job. But he wants to get chocked company intern. He allready asked for 4 weeks ago, but than stopped because he thought the job was ok. Thursday when everything came back, again. He was just crying. Moaning all night, it drove me crasy, my adrenalin was so high, I was just crying, too. Crying the loudest I could,  I had thought of killing him, which he could read my eyes. I had the thought, 1 minute later he said " either you will kill me, or I kill myself". It was terrifying.  I just went to work, he stayed at home, ran to the mental doctor again. He said he should go the mental hospital again, for not driving me crazy. I did so much over react, I hated my own reaction, but I just saw everything coming back, saw to weeks of no sleep again, so I could only cry...

I do not want to fight for two! My live, my job is difficult enough, I'm searching for a new job allready since half a year, but I'm still working in the old one.....

He has several possibilities of jobs he could change to, but does not even want one,.. but he also does not want to leave the company, because he thinks they rescued him, from every other bad jobs, he would have done, if he had not found them. He still thinks they were is only possible rescue.....

I do not want to write his Cancellation for him, like his father tells me.... I want that he helps him self! I do not want to fight for two!

Maybe I should make a therapy myself, how I can help him and live with him. Because I will not do what he says to me. "Please let me alone", how can I? We live together... It is also my appartment, and I like it very much...

Leaving him is absolutely no possibility for me.

Sometimes I think he wants me to abadon him in some forest, far away from civilization....

 

 

 

 

LittleAnt LittleAnt 26-30, F Mar 14, 2009

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