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Right This Second

It's just my luck that things would be as complicated as they are right now, isn't it? I mean, the last few days were hell... But that has very little to do with this.

The back-story is this. My boyfriend and his ex had been trying to conceive when they were still together. They succeeded, but later thought they lost the baby. She starts sleeping with somebody else, and gets pregnant again. Or so they thought. This whole time they'd been thinking the baby was actually the new guy's. Until she saw a doctor and found out otherwise. Now it's very likely that the baby is my boyfriend's.

A little while ago he texts me informing me he's taking her to the hospital. It's likely she's going into labor right this moment. Funny. I should be worried about her and the baby. Much as I despise this woman for how horrible she's been to me, I want everything to go well. She's a high risk pregnancy. She has no business having another child for so many reasons. And it'd destroy my boyfriend to lose another baby. But instead I'm being selfish, as always. All I can think is how tomorrow I'm starting my new job and instead of getting a good night's sleep I get to stay up worrying all night about it. And how there's every chance in the world that she's going to use this baby against him, or when he sees that new baby girl something will change.

Life is too complicated for all of us right now for this to be happening. A baby is a miracle. I'm happy that he gets to be a dad. But there's that part of me that's sad as hell. He'll always have this special, amazing thing with this woman. No matter what, because of this child they'll have a part of each other's lives. And I don't have any kids.

I just feel... I don't know how I feel. I'm scared, y'know? But there's so many emotions going through my head right now. The last few days have been too intense for me to deal with this.

Well. Just got another text. It's a false alarm, apparently. Just bad cramps. Can't say I'm really surprised. She's been saying for weeks that she's been having contractions and "maybe today". But it will happen soon. The due date is in three weeks...
HaydenLaRue HaydenLaRue 18-21, F Mar 30, 2011

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