So Many Lies So Much Deceit, What's Real?

My husband has a gambling problem. It's just getting worse, well as far as I know. We moved to this new town eight yrs ago and thats when this gambling monster reared its ugly head. My husband is a good man and a good father not so much a good husband but hes ok. He has his faults, communication, insensitive, lacks empathy, not very affectionate. I still love him because he does have a really good side that I can still see once in a while.
He works hard and makes good money but always desired more and better things. He constantly puts his accomplishment down and compares his worth to what he has. I am thankful for what I have, hell yeah I want more but I am greatful for what I do have. If I cant have more now then I will be content with what I have and work toward getting more if I can. My husband on the other hand looks at every glass as half empty. So frustrating. I woke up one night alone in the house with our two little girls and my son, my husband disappeared. I looked everywhere, his car was gone, his coat and shoes and wallet. I waited for hours, then he finally came home just before he had to leave for work. He was at the casino. He said he thought that if he could just make a little more money he could pay off our debts but instead he lost our mortgage payement. This had been going on for a while cause we soon lost our house. He was humbled and we spent years to rebuild our lives back. He still disappears once in a while but we still seem to have money so I dont really know where he is. I  do talk to him but its totally one sided.
A year ago I planned a hotel stay out of town, I had a sitter and things went so well. We had dinner and had a great time together alone. When we got back to the room I told him I am planning on leaving him because I cant carry on like this anymore unless he can come clean and be honest with me. He then told me that he has been disappeared to his gambler addiction meeting and keeping them secret because he was ashamed and afraid I would leave. I kind of felt releaved and we committed to getting counselling to repair our trust issues.
Well after a year, I realize I have just been wearing my rose coloured glasses again. I was really ill one day and he had hurt his back and said he needed to see a doctor. So off he went early in the morning and I was left with the kids. My head was pounding and the time came for my girls ballet class so I dragged myself up and got ready. On the way I had a feeling and decided to drive by the casino. Yeah he was there probably all day. I was so spitting mad. I went to ballet and came back and he was still there. I sat in the car and waited for him for an hour he was still there. I went home to check the bank and saw all the withdrawls. I was freaking out. Just as I had called a sitter, he pulled into the driveway. Ok so here it comes the  dreaded Im a bad person oh poor him crap. I sat down and had a calm talk with him that now its my turn to take care of things.
I am going to be his mother and hold his hand and take him to these meeting, I am also going with him to the casino and have him barred from entering any casino in Ontario. Then we are going to family counselling and I am also going to check out a group for families of gamblers. So no my life isnt great but at least I am going to try and fix things. I already feel so tired of all this.  I told my husband he needed to chose what type of life he wanted to live because I will not subject his girls to anymore of this financial turmoil he keeps dipping us into. Financial times are so tough for us already, I just recently lost my job. I realize these added pressures weighs heavy on him but I am always assuring him he is not alone. I am doing everything I can to help. He has so many demands. Hes not very realistic. He does not want our girls to go to daycare as the only ones available are home daycares. He wants me home caring for our girls, cleaning house, fixing, gardening, which I already do and then somehow making money.
This isnt about boohoo me. I need someone to talk to or an opinion on how I can handle this while still keeping my sanity. To realize all these years hes been a big fat liar, yet still a great dad and an ok husband. It's not as easy as, oh just leave him. Everyone would suffer and I dont think that that would be the best solution. Gambling is an addiction and he has no one else for support. He will need someone and to take his wife and the loves of his life away his girls it would destroy whats left of him. How can I help repair, rebuild the man I once new. Sure there are days where I do agree his a big A%*hole but then I have to see the glass as half full. He works really hard to provide for us and always goes out and tries to get us what we need or want. He does aim to please hes just so troubled. Oh my poor head, this stress is really taking its toll on me.
QueenH QueenH
1 Response Jan 17, 2011

This is beautiful the way you fight, and oh my god is it relieving to see am not the only one to suffer from the "oh just leave him" thing. I recognise my bf so much in the way you describe your husband's attitude...
I am new to this so i probably don't have much advices for you. I am trying to find some stories from gamblers who have recovered, to help me understand how their mind work.
I think giving love and patience is the best. But it's so hard, and so unfair...You can't do this all alone, you need him to follow a group support, maybe go with him , at least there is hope if he wants to recover and fight...mine is still in denial... good luck