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My Boyfriend Has A Gambling Probelm And I Just Found Out.

 

 

I only started dating my boyfriend ten months ago but we formed a quick and strong connection. Three months ago he moved three hundred miles to sign a year long lease with me. Last night I found out he's been lying to me since the beginning of our relationship. Before we moved in he assured me that he could handle the financial commitment and even made claims that he could support me if need be since I'm a full time graduate student (now with two part time jobs as well). I knew he had gambled in the past and it made me uncomfortable. I spoke with him about it and he promised it wasn't a problem. Then he promised he would never gamble again. He lied about having almost 10,000 in savings. He lost it all gambling and now owes his father money for additional debts he covered. He owes me almost $1000 in bills and supposedly his parents will send him money for that. He says that even know he never came clean about his history and his finances, he hasn't gambled since four months ago when he told me he wouldn't ever gamble again. I really don't know if this is true. I just keep catching him in more and more lies. Now he admits that he tried to play online poker (where he lost most of his money) but didn't have the funds. For all I know he played with funds he doesn't have. I know gambling addiction is an illness and that all of his lies have been based on that, but I feel so betrayed. If we weren't living together, I think I would have ended it by now. But I made this year long commitment and really can't afford to just kick him out (it's a 1 bedroom so getting a roommate isn't an option). And I do love him. He is good to me in general, but I have no tolerance for being deceived. Maybe I should be easier on him since it's an illness that he needs to get help for (and has said he is willing to), but I feel so stupid for not realizing what was going on, and for falling in love and taking a chance when normally I am so overly cautious about how I live my life. I don't know what to do. Do I try and help him to get better? Or do I say that if he's been lying to me and let me enter a financial situation where he had no means to do his part and never gave me the information I really needed to enter that decision (moving in together) that he'll never be worth it? I'm so hesitant to end things, I would hate to have to find a subletter and give everything up. I can't afford it financially and I don't want to be without him. I'm really lost here.

cleoandia cleoandia 22-25, F 18 Responses Nov 18, 2009

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I wish my girlfriend is as supportive as you are.First of all we had a similar kind of story here but i was the compulsive gambler.Like your bf i have lied to my gf about my gambling in the past.As we have become closer i started gambling again and as a result i have accumulated quite a lot of debts that includes the overdrafts facilities that i have applied in our joint account.I have sought help now because my gf has left me not because of my gambling but for me it was connected to the root of my gambling because i have lost my temper to her and her friend when she told me that her friend would not lend us the rent money anymore.I shouted at her and told her to leave to which i have regretted.I miss her and i love her but she said i needed help to which i did look for help for my addiction because i want to win her back again.My point is your bf needs help and support but not in a kind way because he would just continue his lying and dont wait until it is too late that up to the extent that he will abuse you or hurt you.Gamblers often hide their habit pretty well when they are winning they are the very best person to be around with but when they lost you will not understand what you have done to be treated badly.Im saying leave him what im saying here is give him an ultimatum and seek help.tell him you hold every financial ties you have with him until he is cured.if he is serious enough to get help for himself hewould consider giving everything to you to manage.Good luck...Ace

I'm a gambling addict and am fortunate that my partner has stuck through with my lies of where money goes. At the end of the day it is up to you, if you want to give him any help, get him involved with other things to occupy his time take the card away from him til he can trust himself with the urge, it is degrading and frustrating at first for everyone but in the long run you will both be thankful when he realises he will no longer need to lie and can look after you, it's a slow process and can have its hiccups along the way. Good luck

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, I am 20 and he is 25. We have been living together for the last 2 years as we work together so lived in staff accomodation. He told me from the start that he liked to put a bet on every now and again but I didn't realise the extent until he told me he had won £11,500 and lost it again in 2 days. He also got a £1500 overdraft which he used and lost. I offered to lend him £1500 to purely put in his bank so he wouldn't get bank charges and it meant if I ever needed it he could just take it out again (overdraft). However, he gambled this and lost it. He then extended his overdraft and lost a further £1500. I then told him I would need the money back (we agreed 4 months). He would then withdraw the money weekly out of his bank (his weekly wage) and put it in the cupboard until he had the £1500 to give me back (I told him I wanted it back all at once). He then nearly got to £1000 to give me but instead put it on his bank and gambled it again. It took him over 14 months to eventually pay me back. He bets online so often finished work and stays there for hours betting and watching live games, he will then be in a mood with me if he loses. He recently lost £700 which was paying back his<br />
Overdraft, he then got paid and put his whole pay on one game again... I just don't know what to do, he won't admit he has a problem and I can't see a future with someone like this...his priority is gambling and not me...please can anyone help/ advice me on what to do? Thanks xx

go out that door and walk away,and forget him

But he keeps telling me he will stop then he does it again.. It's easier to say to walk than it is to do it... Don't you think there's any hope?

I really don't know to tell you the truth I'm in a similar situation and I'm just stuck in 2 minds. All the advice I would give you is to not bail him out with anymore money I know its hard but you have to put your boundaries down. Because with all the promises in world that they won't do it again don't mean anything from experience 2 minutes later and they are already breaking that promise. Sorry I can't be of more help

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He moved in with me until we got in a huge fight about his gambling. He moved out and shortly later we worked some issues out and thought it was pointless to pay rent when he could be helping me. He moved back in and things are no better. He filed Bankrupt a few years ago. I have loaned him money to get back on his feet but no more since about a year ago. He still owes about $3000. and pays it to me monthly. He is still lying and going gambling. He is about 3 months behind on his bankruptcy. I pay all the bills. He helps some around the house. He tries to compare his gambling to my drinking. I do drink and on occasions I may drink a little much but I do not lie to him nor do this behind his back. I enjoy life and I can usually tell with his different moods that he is thinking about gambling. I could not count how many times he has lied about going. I finally got him to tell me but I know I do not know all the times. Now, he says he will never go again and it just is no fun anymore but I do have a hard time believing him. He understands why I would not believe him but as I have told him…. he was just feeling down at the time of his loss and when he starts feeling better he will go again. I have two children. I own my home and have no problems greatly with my finances but I do live pay check to pay check! I really want him to stop as it is not fair to me nor my children. He says he isn’t hurting anyone. I have told him he lives in my home and it does in fact affect everyone. He tells me not to worry about it and that he has been in the mess before and he can get out of it again. I normally do not act so controlling but when he is living with me and does not share any of the expenses with me that it is my business. Not sure how much more I can take?? I know he feels bad and I have caught him a time of two belittling me. I feel he does this to make himself feel better.

In your situation ..i have done a little similar to my gf but not as bad as your bf.I have belittle my gf when i lost to gambling,sometimes very good to her when i won.But thats not the case here.You have to throw out your bf now if you want to help him.Because helping a gambling addict in a kind way or getting him to manipulate you about giving up is not helping him.What he needs is a professional help or a thrapys ,tell him to seek help now or out of the house for good.Make yourself the head of your financial if you are in a joint account..hold everything until hes cured and if he really loves you and care for you he would seek help but if not be brave for the sake of your daughters.Good luck..Ace

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years, I'd like to think he was headed in the right direction he was living on his own, paying his own rent, he had a great job, and we had an amazing relationship. I knew early into our relationship I would say six months in that he had a sports betting addiction in the past, he promised me the world and beyond that he had stopped. I caught him a few more times in a whirlwind of lies, no one could tell him he had a problem and needed to seek help he denied it till he was blue in face. The day after Valentines day this year, I received a phone call from him telling me he just lost his job, do to his addiction. He stole money from his own family to fuel his addiction. At this point I am still in shock, we had spoken of starting a life together in the next two years or so... He has started GA meetings, and has promised me the world (again) that he will come out of this a changed man. It's killing me as much as I would love to believe him this time I am scared for what the future holds, what if this happened when we had a home? Kids? and a life to support? The betrayal is what hurts the most the promises after promises come up short, as much as I am deeply in love him I know this is a battle that he needs to conquer on his own to over come because I want nothing for the best for him. One day I truly hope he is a changed man because other then his addiction he was perfect for me.

I'm 22 and have been gambling for 3 years now, I'd say the addiction set in after the first year. Up until that point a night of gambling was enjoyable, and ironically it was often less expensive than going out for a night somewhere else. I've worked part time since I was 16, since I turned 19 I've probably made about 50k Net Earnings and I'd say 40k has been lost to gambling alone. <br />
<br />
Although I can't speak for all gamblers, the idea that an addicted gambler doesn't care about anyone or anything except gambling, isn't true. The hardest part of dealing with the addiction is how you feel in regards to what you're doing to the ones you love. Another misconception is that addicted gamblers get a "rush" from gambling, this is nonsense. People who gamble infrequently get these rushes, which is what makes it fun to the average person. When you're addicted you don't particularly care if you're winning or losing. If you're winning it means nothing to you, because you know you'll lose it back. Losses don't discourage you because you know you'll get back at it as soon as you have more money.<br />
<br />
Although I can say I've never stole a red cent from my family or friends to use for gambling, I have robbed them of endless amounts of time we could of spent together doing something worthwhile. In most cases this is because I'm ashamed, and I don't want to drag anyone I love down with me.<br />
<br />
I had a 6 month period where I stopped gambling and it felt great. The thought of betting didn't even appeal to me anymore and I could easily carry on with a normal life. I relapsed and am still gambling away the majority of my paychecks when they come in. From a $700 paycheck I'll usually lose $500 of it, and use the last $200 for things that I do with my girlfriend (who doesn't have any idea about my addiction), and also for small things to last until the next pay comes.<br />
<br />
I'm still waiting to hit rock bottom, as I feel that is where I'll be able to shed this terrible habit. I keep waiting for it to come, but it hasn't yet. To anyone who has found themselves gambling more and more frequently and think they might be becoming addicted, squash it before the problem is on your plate. Trust me, I know.<br />
<br />
To anyone looking to recover from their gambling addiction, best wishes.

I feel lost..what are you meant to do when after 7 years, 2 children and numerous attempts to give up including G.A, hypnosis and will power and still debts keep arising?i feel it will never end i have stood by through the worst deceit, lies and tears and know feel i can never leave the man I adore because of his one downfall. he is an amazing daddy and a lovely person, bar when his terrible mood swings take hold if he is on a losing streak and knows he is losing everything but cant stop. I cannot understand how i can almost cry myself dehydrated infront of him and after a few weeks them signs start to show again..money as little as it can be disappears very frequently and it all adds up to a bill i cant afford.<br />
also he informed me after a G.A meeting that this is one of the worst addictions known to man and has been commonly documented as a life long disease always ready to destroy once the guard is let down. I never thought I would spend my life looking over my shoulder and sneaking around corners to catch my partner lying to me.. I feel cheated and defeated can anyone offer a glimmer of hope?

hi i am a gambling addict and i had a girlfriend for two years but now she is gone i lied to her all d time, we never had money for anything, its not fair on your partner to be without happiness, i am only 23 i ave done meetings, even recovery plan but i still gamble, but the last three months i have gave my money to my parents, i work and i am glad at work but i always want more. its true what they say, a gambler is never happy until they lose everything. i want a girlfriend again but i want to sort my addiction first, it wont be easy but i owe to myself and my family, so the advise i would give to the two girls comments leave before its get worst.

Last night I found out that my boyfriend bet $150K in 4 days - I knew he had a gambling problem but after meaningful chats, he said he had it all in control. Over a year ago he gambled which took us to a long fight; however, I decided to give him a second chance. He promised he wouldn't do it again, he was mature enough now and he couldn’t imagine living without me – we love each other so much.<br />
<br />
Now that he has done it again, I feel totally devastated. I don’t know how can I trust him again after all the lies he said? He hasn't been in counselling at all but he is willing to do it now. He regrets what he did and he is asking me for another opportunity (we are not married, but we have been living together for the last 2 years - we have plans on getting married and buying a house and starting a family). Now I feel all our plans and excitement to start a live together have been destroyed in a bl<x>ink of an eye.<br />
<br />
We love each other so much; he has been an exceptional partner, lover and friend. . . Should I give him a second chance? Or should I move out and put myself together before is too late? <br />
<br />
Reading gambling stories for the first time make me rethink how delicate the situation is. I know for sure I don’t want to share the rest of my life with someone that I can’t trust 100%, that he is not truthful or that one day he can do it again betting the house, savings . . . and perhaps, I won’t be able to leave the situation if we start a family. <br />
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Will a gambler be a gambler for the rest of his life? Or is there still hope? If controlled, can you trust him again? Or should take all the courage of this cosmos, move out and start again even if this is going against me but that perhaps this will give me a chance not to be in a painful situation in 10, 20, 40 years? I understand your situation and I'm sorry I can't help - I can't tell myself what to do yet. . . So hard . . .

I have been with my boyfriend for six wonderful months and he told me last night he was a gambler. I thought the lack of communication was me, then I got to the point I had to put pressure on him to come clean with his commitment to me and our future. He told me and now I know he has nothing, seven years at pokies - he earns big money and can live well but the rest goes into the machines. I don't know what to do, I love him so but also know it will be a long never ending struggle, Is there any hope of recovery through love and support?? Addicts please tell me if it is all a lost cause.

i have just left my partner who has gambled around £50,000.00 UK pounds away in 8 months..he claims he hasnt a problem..he also takes citralopram an anti depressant and then drinks 8 cans of larger per night whilst gambling online with horse racing..Aside of the financial losses and insecurity...i was also on the receiving end of his moods and nastiness when he looses..he will blame anything for a loss including the dog barking or the sky being blue or grey or black...get the picture...its everyone elses fault..he is arrogant and full of criticism for anyone else and is on a one way mission to destruction.....move out of the gamblers way..let them fall flat on their face and then be willing to get help..you have to loose the battle to win the war....bigger life lessons will be at stake for the gambler after you have moved away from them....<br />
the definition is the "willingness" to learn...an addict knows all the answers!!! and it is their sick thinking that gets them into more trouble....you have to leave and get strong again...

I am a compulsive gambler. I have lost over 1 million dollars gambling. I have destroyed my life along with my family, friends, and complete strangers. I have stolen, cheated, lied, scammed, and anything else evil to gamble. I have attempted suicide numerous time unsuccessfully. I now live in a shelter and have $2 to my name. I am a college graduate who was successful in business, and everything else I touched, except for gambling. I have been to jail, and yet I still gambled. I have sold every piece of property I have owned to gamble, and even moved into the casino hotel after I sold my house! I am very sick and know first hand what this disease does to you. I could tell you 100's of stories of how low I sunk to get to where I am today. I found a GA meeting on a Saturday afternoon, and was accepted by the members with open arms. It was either that or drink antifreeze. I have been going to meetings everyday, and am taking things 1 day at time. <br />
If you love your spouses, love them unconditionally, but do it from a little distance. Make sure your finances are secure before you end up in dire straits.<br />
You should be there for them, but only after you make sure you are in a positive position for you and your family.

My boyfriend has a serious casino problem.. he is in debt with everyone has lost his car his electricity in his home he cied to me about how bad his problem is and when he lost his car i drove him to the casino in the car he bought for me i thought it would be selfish to say no now i see i shouldve never took huim there to begin with he lost all his money and then asked me to pull money out of my bank for him to gamble with i told him no n stood by my decision and since then he acts like i am the bad guy that i am selfish afte all he has done for me i wasnt there "when he needed me to be" ive offered to turn his lights back on buy him food ciggs everything he wants nothing fom me now did i make a selfish decision or was i right i dont know how to take this

my bf is exactly like that i am torn between trying to understand him and leaving him

I too have recently found out that my boyfriend is a gambling addict. I am 23, and he 24. I thought we would be engaged next year and be finally starting the next chapter of our lives together. We have been together for almost three years and I thought that he was trying to save for a future together. I also am a full time uni student and cannot put much towards savings. He has a $12,000 credit card debt, but I cannot help but think also about his earnings over the past 5 years for which he has nothing to show for. He has no assets to his name. My advice to anyone in my situation would be "its a no brainer, walk away" but I am in love with him, as you are, and cannot yet bring myself to leave. We do not live together, but were planning on buying a house next year (with the savings I thought he would have had). <br />
He has attended counselling session, chopped up his credit cards, has a plan and budget in place to pay off his debt and currently does not have access to most of his money (his mum has the password to his online accounts). We are working towards him being trusted with his own money but at this stage this is what he wants. He assures me that he will never gamble again but I can't help but think about what he had said "I tried my best to give up for the best of 1.5 years but I jus couldn't stop". So why now? Along with his gambling problem he drinks too much and he's made a promise to stop, at least for the short term. He doesn't want to attend GA meetings but I want to take him, I think I want it more for my own benefit, so that I can truely see the effects it has on other people. <br />
My problem isn't the debt so much, nor the near future. I am scared of what will happen in 20, 30, 40 years if I continue in this relationship. As a child I always envisioned a marriage with children, living in a house I owned, and now as I think of what my life could be with my partner I worry that he will relapse without me knowing and end up losing the house. But, I love him and can't bear to live without him in my life. What if he can beat this? What if I walk away and end up throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me? I just don't know what to do. <br />
I understand the situation you are in and I'm sorry I can't help - I can't even tell myself what to do yet. Deep down I think I have to let go. Ironically, this decision is the biggest gamble, so far, in my life.

I was a problem gambler for over 12 years.I lost almost everything that i had.My marriage ,my house and almost my life.I had to do something so i called out to God.I asked him to take my addiction from me and i n turn i will give him my life.Its been over 6 years now that i have been clean and i am now re-married and my life is a lot better with Jesus Christ with me.Jesus is the way out all you have to do is ask.He knows your heart ,he knows if you really are telling the truth.

google woman and family aid groups in your town,in the uk we have what is called the money advice centre,or benefits,advisor,you may have the same in your country,so google it.

How do you move on without any money? Where do you go? And what do you do if a child is involved? I have been with my boyfreind for 9 years. We are 2 months behind on all bills, cancelation notices and loans taken out on our vehicles. What do you do? I am unemployed, can't find a job for the hours that I need, and when I did work, I had to bring our son to my work because my BF couldn't make it home ontime. He has went to 2 GA classes and stopped. I have tracked him down @ these places, made scenes, it doesnt stop! What do you do? Please help!

hi cleoandia, <br />
<br />
I really feel for you. I dated a compulsive gambler for two years. I really loved him, and leaving him was so hard, but i realized i couldnt live the rest of my life wondering if he was telling the truth and holding my breath, being scared that he was going to gamble again. and after all the lies, i didnt trust him anymore. and trust is the foundation of a good relationahip. it was hard bc he did get help for a while, but then he said that he didnt need it anymore,and i thought he did.... he was in complete denial, and i just couldnt deal with not trusting him. the thing is is that I found out that he was a gambler only five months into our relationship, and i stayed bc i didnt realize how serious a problem it was. its confusing at first, bc u think its only gambling, its not that serious, but now that you are living with him i am sure u realize how serious it is. I was naiive, and i stayed way longer than i should have. I tried to help him but i realized that i couldnt. my advice to you is to break up with him asap, the longer u stay the more complicated it gets, my biggest lesson was that i had to put myself first, put my needs first. even though it felt selfish, it was the right thing to do, i just wish that i hadnt waited so long to break up with him. I stayed with him bc i felt bad for him and didnt want to abandon him, but in the process i was only hurting him and myself and in the end, it made breaking up, what i knew i shouldve done in my heart from the waaaaaaay beginning, that much harder and painful. So my best advice is to get out now, the sooner, the less painful for both of you.. xoxoxoxo

so you can not afford financially for him not to be there,but he is not given you any money ,to help pay the bills.so not only is he lying to you.so you can not trust him.you will go into more debt .if you do nothing.look for a female flatmate that is working.leave out the boyfriends the now.and sort out your life,your boyfriend is acting more like a boy, than a man.do not have boyfriends staying in the house.that goes for you and any flatmate.as for your boyfriend you will never be able to trust him.bin him.go find good boyfriends at your college .but sort out your life first.with a working female flatmate.