It Will Never End

I have a boyfriend with OCD. He loves **** or anything associated with it. Normally I would not care about him with **** but it is his addictive behavior that is killing me. The first time I ever came to his house he wanted to show me naked pictures of himself, which I said no at first , but then said yes because we were not in a relationship, we were friends and I felt, I should be 100 percent his friend, knowing his interest.  We would watch his home made **** together and other movies (as he wanted to be a **** star in the past). I would ask him how he got all these girls to be on tape with him.  We were cool, and spent a lot of weekends together, going to the studio every other weekend and out to eat on the way back and that was it.  The one time I wanted to go to the movies, we got on the escalator and it stopped.  He had a fit and said see your bad luck and had a mantrum and walked out.  We have never been on a real date, just studio, barber shop and food.  We have been together for 4 years.  No we don't go out at all, or I have to force him out, to which it has only been on 4 times for a family event, one he cursed me saying I was forcing him and one when I acted like the woman he was talking about having a relationship with called our house.  (to get back good with me)  I want you to know that I feel like a fool for not realizing what I was putting myself into.   We met on My space and now have 2 children together.  When we first started dating I didn't notice much how he never really wanted to go out. I just though he wanted to spend the weekend with me, but as I have come to learn his addictive behaviors are the reasons.  Everything he does everyday is a cycle. If he does not do something he will question me about it repeatedly.  I tried to get him to go to therapy especially after the incidents happened.  What incidents you ask? Well I will tell you.  The first happened when I was a couple of months pregnant with our first child.  He would place his cell phone in the bathroom while he took a shower to go to work. I looked at the text messages and saw a picture of a girl and then of her ***. I confronted him about it and he said it was an old picture. I told him that it could not have been because his mom just brought him the phone (and they were not transferring stuff from phone to phone back then). I let that slide, he was sorry and said he would not do it again. Chat line woman, sending naked pictures of himself which he lied and told me he deleted and now tells me he never said he deleted.  The point is, his OCD is controlling him and it is killing me. I cant go out because holds it against me, saying I should be in the house with him and the kids, he does not want me to take out the kids for fear of something bad is going to happen.  He always thinks some one is going to molest our children.  HE does not sleep he wakes up all hours of the night checking the kids to see if they are breathing. HE gets mad at me when I talk about his addiction to chat lines, **** and sending his pictures saying he was like this before me. HE blames his mother and grand mother saying they made him stay in the house. He says he father brought him all this **** and one summer he stayed in the house and *********** repeatedly.  Now I am dealing with the after math. He calls me a cop, says he is not cheating he is just talking but it hurts me. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore but he keeps saying we will always be together. He yells at me and says I'm not having sex with anyone else you should be glad I'm not running the streets I'm just at home doing this. Like it does not hurt. He does not care....he is not emotional , does not want to be emotional and I don't even know WHY i chose to be with this man. I was blinded but by what? He had good work ethics, worked everyday and only took off when we had the babies, good with saving money.  Made me want to be better. What a trade off, I would gladly give it back .  He consistantly counts and checks things and has to have order with boxes stacked up neatly, if the babies hit the boxes god help us all....more to come...there is a lot...thanks for reading.
cewrite cewrite
31-35, F
Jul 24, 2010