Happy But Scared

I have been married to my husband for 7 years now, been together for 9 years. We have 2 incredible children who are 3 & 6. Our marriage has always been a struggle. Part of it is I think we really rushed our relationship from once we met to moving in, buying a house, getting married and having kids in a really short amount of time and me being young. When I met him I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship and in a way attached myself to the first thing that was decent.

Over the years we have struggled. He sleeps all the time. And I mean sleeps. He works swing shift so he works 2 weeks of afternoons (3:30 pm to 2:00 am) and then 2 weeks of days (5:00 am to 3:30 pm). So I understand that can do a lot to your sleeping habits but it not that. He can sleep 10-12 hours in one night and sleep almost the whole next day. This puts a huge strain on our marriage. I feel resentment because he doesn't do anything when he is on afternoons I am a single parent for 2 weeks every month and then when he is on days he sleeps leaving my kids to fend for themselves.

Long story short we have had struggles with his sleeping, his parents who watch our kids. He doesn't do much for me or the kids and has never supported me in much in my life. But he claims he lives for me and does everything for me. Well I could sit here all day and list all the things he doesn't do for me. But in the end I have developed so much resentment and anger I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. I told myself I was staying for the kids and that was it and at some point in my life I would get a divorce.

A few months ago though I met someone. He is younger than me and lives in another state so we have talked for a few months now which has developed into this incredible relationship. With being used to not being able to have guy friends or to share my passions with my husband I found someone who is truly the other half of my soul. There is a deep connection between us that just can't be explained. Of course this is a huge secret and I plan to file for divorce soon. We had a planned trip to Jamaica in June so I plan to stick around for that but it is getting harder and harder every day.

In all of this though I go through days where I feel guilty and others I don't. I don't have really anyone to talk to about this and feel I need to get stuff off my chest and talk with someone who would be unbiased. I don't agree with cheating but when you are so unhappy finding just a little bit of happiness can help. I was falling into this deep depression before I met my boyfriend and he has helped with so much. I am just really afraid of what this will do to my kids, I feel guilty about hurting my husbands feelings, what will people think of me. So many things that I just want to talk to someone about. There are so many other things that have happened with my husband to bring me to the point of this cannot be repaired but that could take me all day to type everything out.

I would appreciate any advice. I realize some are not going to agree with this so please try not to be to hurtful with your comments. Just looking to be able to get things off my chest and find others that are dealing with what I am and understand me.
octoac octoac
26-30, F
6 Responses Feb 6, 2013

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You are trying to get out of a really bad relationship and in a way attaching yourself to the first thing that is decent again. I am sure you felt the same deep connection when you first met your husband, it'll be difficult but do try and remember your feelings at that time. The grass is always greener on the other side!

please add me

add me please thank you

I gotta say this, from experience. I was your husband at one point in my life. So I see the
other side, but, as time went on, I learned to understand your side......BUT what I want you to know is no matter what you do the kids will be the ones to hurt the most. When you leave your husband they ARE going to think they did something to cause it. When you introduce them to a new guy they ARE going to resent him. There is no way around it. I only said this to you so that you will be 100% NOT surprised, and perhaps deal with it better than my former wife and I did. They bounce back, but they always think it was their fault. Best of luck TO YOU.

Thank you...as hard as that is to hear that they are going to be affected by it that is what I need to hear. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. I don't plan to bring the new guy for awhile and when I say that it would be a least 2 years or more so things can certainly change by then. But I can longer live a life where the person I am married to is not there and when he is there physically he is still not there. I have scheduled to go to counseling to help myself. I appreciate your comments.

I just wanted you NOT to be surprised by how much it bothers the kids. My wife was pretty much in your shoes exactly. She HAD to call it quits, and the kids became the victims of pain and insecurity. I was at least as "not there" as your husband. I'm not proud of it, but I did learn from it.............eventually.

No I appreciate and hearing from someone that has been in the same position helps. I'm trying to do everything I can so that they come out unscathed. I know it's not possible just hoping. I feel that the tension, anger and resentment is just as bad if not worse for them. I feel like I'm in a really hard spot and have for the longest time emotionally shut myself off so that I can make everyone else happy. But I'm depressed and angry all the time and its bleeding into everything in my life. But please know I do very much appreciate your comments. To be honest you gave me insight on something I didn't think much about part of why I'm happy I found this site. I'm going to go to counseling but talking to people who have gone through this or are going through it I don't feel so alone. Thanks again.

I'm just glad I was able to be of any help. I've come a long way since those days. Even my kids think more of me. I have God to thank for that. Feel free
to contact me if there is anything I can help you better understand.

1 More Response

I want out of the marriage but I'm scared of hurting my husband. Even though he doesn't give much to me I still don't want to hurt him either. I love him and will always love him as he is the father of my children. I've made the decision to leave, which I'm okay with. But I can't be in the marriage anymore. He puts no effort into us. I'm also scared of what impact it will have on my children but at the same time it's not healthy for them to live in an unhealthy relationship either.

to the last question , no its not healthy for the kids
if youve made up your mind
then the sooner for all the better

thanks for sharng.
to start
what do you want?
2nd the kids ste going to fit in just fine