I Am Experiencing Pure Hell (in My Opinion) An excerpt from the life of a 34 year old head trauma survivor.

I am going to start off by telling you that as of now I am 15 years post injury and the only thing that I have found myself able to do is complain about things that happened to me in my past. The man writing this account has lost all faith in everything good. I am also unaware of any potential that I may still possess as a man.

The event happened in April of 1997 and I have been mentally anchored to the date of my injury ever since. With no possibility of parole from my own prison. Now believe you me I could and already have gone on and on    and on about how this trauma has destroyed my life, anyone that knows me would attest to that. But I would really enjoy taking a new approach if that is still a possibility.

I was assaulted by a number of individuals and am no longer able to sit idley by and give them the illusion that they have control of my life. It is MY life is it not? I am attempting to resolve my issues and feelings that are a constant reminder of the man I used to be but never did when I was starting off in this life as an 18 year old but I found out that the forces that be on this rock we call Earth didn't feel as if I was worthy of ever being able to call myself a real man. In case anyone is wondering I now have EXTREME issues with my self image where the idea of myself or anyone else calling me a man actually offends me because I feel I am the furthest thing from what I CAN remember I was taught a man is.

One of the worst things that can happen to a young man is to make him believe that he is destined to go through the rest of his "Life" as just a boy because he is no longer able to recall many lessons that he learned as a child. Now I am not attempting to make anybody feel worse about themselves than they already may but now I have to look at myself in any reflection as the boy that was only able to try and become a man. That is just the way it is and I am forced to accept that, as now that is what my brain processes as fact.

It is difficult for me now as I am still able to recall the 5 years prior to the event with decent accuracy along with being able to recollect just some of the events of my life from childhood such as a number of people that were friends of mine in elementary school, junior high, and high school. I am blessed to have the ability to remember the eyes of the most gorgeous girls I have ever met throughout my life. If I refer to any person from my past it will only be by initials so annonimity will be maintained.

HP are the initials that first come to me as the memories of the most beautiful girl that I have ever had the pleasure of interacting with floods my brain with an excitement I haven't felt since the last time I saw this angel so many years ago when her and friend RD last visited me after the date. Which is why I was only able to stand in complete awe of the pure beauty of this girl that I feel will never respect me, How could she? maybe she still does but the cold hard reality of this world is I will most likely never know. Well enough of that, it was obviously a life from the memory that never came to be. Now I am able to remember what I believe could have been which would have taught me more of this life than any hospitalization could, but reality trumps even what the mind thinks it sees.

Do not forget that, as now I am unable to.

How about we go further back into what I am able to recall from my life. SR you are not now nor will you ever be forgotten as my first true friend I respect you too much to allow that to happen. CS and HS were my best friends from near the small town where I attended kindergarten. Can you recall the snow cone maker that you recieved from me as a gift for your birthday? That memory is CONSTANTLY in front of my eyes, whether awake or sleeping I'm at your house reliving that moment from my time here thus far. That is now and always will be one of this person's most treasured times.

KB AW BB CB BM DN JK DS JS BC TL NR TR JT SE AB JA GK JO Just the tip of the iceberg  I could keep going on but will not. All other initials from those who have touched my life shall remain unwritten by me as I start this new direction

The desire to move past trauma in life will always remain, even  when the ability to do so seems hidden in the pitch black of percieved hopelessness...

BigHope BigHope
31-35, M
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Who are those people? Are they aliens? Why do they have so many problems, this and that? Can any of you be reached, through a phone call?