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The Ache

Here we go. 

Maybe its because I suffer from depression or because I'm just too pessimistic and cynical, but a heartbreak HAS to be the worst aching sensation... ever ( forgive me for the run sentence) I'm 16 and I've been struggling with this for a year and 2 months. I know I'm young and I have a (hopefully) a long life ahead of me, but right now this pain is eating me alive. I have joined many after school programs and I believe everyone in my circle of friends know what I'm going through; talking doesnt help anymore, same with going out. I've stopped listening to music, I barely write, I dont like being around people - I've changed SO much. I know many say that this is going to help me in a future ( experience) but I think life went a little too hard on me. I've lost weight both voluntarily and involuntarily for and because of him ( one because I refused to eat, I was in so much pain! it was like my senses were heightened... the smell of food made me sick) I liked him, I liked him so much. I feel out of it, like life has no purpose. I've tried incessantly to not look at his updates online. I block him only to unblock him. He lies like there's no tomorrow and cheated on me multiple times. He always denied me. It was like I was this ugly person he never wanted to be with. I dont know what to do anymore. I'm always afraid, afraid I might see him, afraid I might never trust anyone ever again. It angers me, I wasted so much time on him.  I'm alone in this. I've begged my mom to let me see a psychologist because I'm sure that the reason this has taken such a big toll on me its because of my depression and low self of esteem. She wants me to deal with it on my own, to be strong and pull myself out of this hole alone. I cant, I've been like this for too long and I've tried many times before. She suffered and battled Depression all by herself, she wants me to do the same. I cant, I have too much on my plate : social phobia, heart break, low self esteem, anxiety etc.  It aches. 
jlinahwrites jlinahwrites 16-17 1 Response May 21, 2010

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I feel like this boy you're talking about is someone you had a relationship with, am I correct? Love and hate is so close, and love feeds fear. Its a tricky thing.<br />
I also feel that you are looking too much to your past. You can't change your past. you can't change the way this boy behaved to you, or what he said to you. His words were said, his actions were done, but you need to move on with your life. You're still so young and I sure understand being sixteen is not easy to battle depression. I have had a depression when i was that age, but for different reasons, for being laughed at for being too fat and for being too clumsy at sport, for wearing braces and having too many pimples in my face. I have changed over the years. It was hard to find my self esteem again, but I have found it back again years later since I was about twenty years old. <br />
How? I left the past behind me. It was actually more simple then I thought it would be. It's actually just a 'click' in your mind. Just switch that click on, focus on your present and think about the choices you can make to make your future a better one. Don't get influenced on what people say to you, or what you think about how they think about you. You need to be you. There are ******** everywhere, but if you keep on thinking too much of those people who destroyed your inner self, you need to find ways to heal it. You need to let him go.<br />
Do NOT put any energy again into people who don't deserve it. Don't block him and unblock him. Let him go. Even w-if u might see him again, which no-one can predict, you need to focus on your past. he is the past. You are the present.<br />
He chose to be a lyer and a cheater, he made the worst choices. But you need to get over him. Somehow. Right now. This moment.<br />
I do think u absolutely NEED to talk about this boy with someone else. maybe not your mother, because she will insist you to deal with this on your own, but maybe with a close friend of yours. Let your emotions out. Rip a pillow in thousand pieces when ur feeling overwhelmed with anger. Cry when you're feeling sad. Never lock it up, because i feel that you are locking your feelings up inside, because you made yourself become isolated from the world, and thats not good. <br />
Chose to do the things u enjoy doing, even when ur feeling ****** up inside. You'll feel better, after a while. Try to find a new hobby, so u can give urself some challenges and excitement.<br />
I understand how hard u're feeling to trust anyone else since what this boy has done to you. But now u need to focus more on your own inner self. You are good the way you are. when you love yourself more, you can easier love other people and trust them. This is the way to find your self esteem back because i know it helped for me.<br />
(sorry i couldnt say it shorter...)