When Is It Okay For A Man To Cry.

I post here so people can read my inner most thoughts but mostly I just write to someone special.  Feel free to comment if you feel the need too. 

Dear Tammy,

I don't know what happened in our life together that you changed to much.  I never changed the only thing I ever needed was for you to tell me you loved me and appreciated all that I did.  When you broke up with me in April you crushed and put me into a deep dark hole, something I can't escape.  The pain is unbearable.  The heart ache hurts worse than death.  The constant sorrow is draining the life from me.  I know you will never see this but I still need to write it.  Right now I dont want to live if you aren't with me.  I can't do this without you.  Everything I ever did was to make you and your girls happy even at my own expense.  I'm sorry you hate me sooo much that you feel you don't have feelings for me.  It's just too many things happened all at once and I needed a break from our world.  I was turned into five collection agencies because of my brother and the house.  I let him go without paying rent so that he could take the rent money and pay off my utilities so that he could switch them to his name.  He didn't do it.  In December and January I started getting shut off notices and notices from collection agencies.  On top of all that my own brother told me next time I get sick he hoped I died.  All because he thought I should move out of my house and let him stay there.  Nothing seemed to go right with us.  Nothing.  The girls' father didn't want them over there.  I couldn't get a moment alone with you and then the house was haunted.  My truck started breaking down.  The appliances started kicking the bucket.  Nothing seemed to go right for us.  Now you are gone.  My whole life has been a constant nightmare and any time I achieve happiness if is striped from me.  But no matter how times life pushed me down I got back up and brushed self off.  When I got sick in the Army and almost I endured.  When they had to remove 8 feet of intestine, I endured.  When they made me wear an ileostomy I endured.  Everything I ever had to do I endured.  But not this not this.  I just want one more moment to tell you how I feel.  How you made me happy.  How you made me smile.  How you were the first and only person I ever told I Love You to.  I never did that before.  Never knew what it was before.  I was raised to be an emotionless robot, I grew up in an abusive house, with abusive parents, and an abusive sibling.  When ever anything went against me I would shut down.  I didn't mean to when you needed me most but that was all I knew.  I never had anyone that wanted to tell them I needed them before.  I just want to see you, hold you, smell you, feel you, and hear you just one more second.  I would trade anything to spend just one more second with you.  You know when you accidently grab a hot pan a second feels like an eternity, well that was how I felt when I was with you.  Now you are gone.  You always thought I wanted to change you I didn't.  You were perfect to me, I never understood how you could not see that.  Then after our fight you moved to Texas and are now living in a world I couldn't imagine.   You are doing things I never dreamed you would have.  I can't stop crying I cant stop hurting.  When will life give me a break, when will life let me be happy.  Why wont it.  Why wouldn't life let me be with you.  Im one of the cursed, the forsaken, the cost off.  The unwanted.  I'm being tested I know that but why.  I thought I did everything right.  I tried to maintain as pure a life as I could.  When I see someone fall I pick them up.  When I see someone hurting I listen to them.  When I see someone that needs a hug I do my best to give it.  But how come I don't have anyone to do that for me.  You were the only one that did and now you are gone.  You are out in Texas getting Tattoos and piercings.  You are having the time of your life and I'm in New York crying and dying.  I wrote something on Facebook hoping without hope that you would see it and know how I feel.  But no that would mean life was giving me a break.  The worst thing is I don't know how to quit, I don't know how to give up, I don't know how to stop and breath.  I never cried before till I met you.  I was always raised that men don't cry.  Now that is all I know how to do.    Someone said that I must be heart broken, but I can't be you have my heart with you.  While you are with your new man my heart is still with you.  When he makes you smile my heart is still with you.  Someday when he marries you my heart will still be with you. 

I feel like I have nothing left.  I have no more words, no more tears, no more feeling.
thomasriley99 thomasriley99
31-35, M
3 Responses Jul 22, 2010

oh God exactly like me,,,,it seems like its all about and my feelings...its terrible terrible terrible..all world crashed and ruined,,,,,stupid life with no sence<br />
yes one i cant forgive,,,if there is really true love how a person can betray u beause its hard period or u behave not good because u are nervious or stressed,...how he can loose patience,,,,if its really true love as he said and promised,,,,,love is not only happiness.,.its and sadness and ups and downs and mistakes and forgiveness,...how can true love be if people didnt suffer togather or if they didnt get over difficulties......true love cant pass always smooth....if there is true deep love everything can be overcomed and forgived,,,,,,,,,,everything spesialy of person comes and asks forgiveness and realises the mistakes...how the other can betray u because relations make him sad and dont pass only in happy way,,,,,,,,love is above sadness, being upset, mistakes and other things

When we were together she was happy, the problem was too much got in the way of our relationship. I always wanted to tell her how can you be romantic when your two youngest kids are sitting on our bed screaming at each other. I dont know what made her decide to move to Texas but I think she thought I rejected her. It was December and January brought on a form of sensory overload for me and I freaked out a little. I was turned into several collection agencies because my brother didnt get the utilities out of my name. Her two youngest kids became nightmares at that point and were fighting everyday. Plus on top of all that the house we shared was haunted and whatever was in that house with us really started affecting all of us. I tried getting her to come and find some place else to live but her two youngest kids kept on interfering. I just needed a breather but she took off to quickly before I could make it right. You know for eight months the girls father had as little to do with his kids as possible, and our relationship stopped being about us and mostly about what I could do for the three kids. I never had a problem from the oldest daughter but the two younger ones were quite selfish and they would dominate anything we did or make demands they didnt deserve at the time.