How Do I Get Over This?!

We met a long time ago, he went to jail, i was with somebody anyway.

We met again - hes out of jail, im single. We move in together the first night.

went perfect for 9 months straight, only 2 big fights, everything else we could communicate wonderfully about.

He got scared of commitment - left.

I got over him.

He came back, but only to live with us, not to be with me - i wasnt over him. i kicked him out again.

turns out he didnt want to hurt me but still loved me, he was waiting for me to be ready to get back together again.

He comes back a 3rd time. I love but realize im not in love with him anymore.

He goes out clubbing every night, even weeknights and stays til they close. I see that as obvious avoidance and tell him I cant take his immaturity and he is looking for other girls why else would he be out at the clubs all night. I kick him out for real.

Each time we broke up, i went to a coworker for physical replacement. Still loved the other guy, but knew he would never grow up.

He remained faithful the entire time we were breaking up/getting back together. He knew about the other guy, and understood. I was the victim the first time, i was handling it as i felt i should.

This last time, i told him i needed him to change if he wanted to be with me. He refused (understandably) but the fact that he came back so many times i thought it meant he really loved me. I thought he might change and come back, like the cycle had over and over.

He tells my best friend about all the girls hes ******* right now.... so she would tell me. She did.

it hurts so bad - i just want him to show me he is a man and not a boy mooching off me. I wanted to see that he didnt have to spend all his money on these other girl's drinks, he could save and take care of his tickets/fines/treatment from when he was in jail. But he is still so in love with checking out everyone and partying and drinking - not love, work, and spending quality time. I hoped he would grow up and come back, instead he ***** the first thing that walks and wants me to know about it. Well, at least i know he got kicked out of the place he was staying at cuz of it, maybe this girl will take him in and give him a home and eventually hell tell her he loves her then still go out and party and she will dump him too. How attractive is that anyway, sleeping on peoples couches.

I am just so hurt that he wanted me to KNOW he was ******* someone else - was it to prove to me he wasnt coming back? was it to prove to me that i was right about his obsession with other girls? was it to hurt me on purpose? was it to help me move on? was it a retaliation from my replacement man? I know its strange to complain about him doing to me what i did to him, it just hurts the most because he started it all, he left in the first place and just started acting like a jerk. I didnt have that cushion of deep love to soften the blow of his stupid choices, i didnt have the patience for it anymore and hoped hed grow up too. He said he wanted to, but then didnt do it.

But, alas... i do not want a man that cant grow up, or isnt grown up, anymore. I want someone who has intellectual conversations and knows how to swing dance instead of drinking beers and having my rear end humped off-beat.

I want a real man, and I thought after such a long good relationship he would want to be one. I want him to be a man.

The hardest part is, he came back so many times i thought he would do it again. Not say 'fine, ima go **** her now'. Why would he come back if he didnt love me? Because i was comfortable, and i wasnt comfortable with his actions anymore, and so he didnt feel comfortable so he REALIZED it was wrong to come back?

Ugh... i hope she leaves you too.

mauimichele mauimichele
22-25, F
Jul 25, 2010