S&k... Forever?

My relationship began in a whirlwind. I work as a Paramedic and had been crushing for nearly 5 months on a CNA/ED Tech at a local hospital. When finally my urges became unbearable I began inquiring about her with the other staff members. Oddly I later had a really tough call where a young man died at the end of my shift that night... I took the next day off work and went to a bar that a friend invited me too... totally out of character for me, at least in the morning...
So there I am at this bar and who would you guess comes walking in? The Tech from the ED!!! So, although shy... I couldn't resist any longer and made small talk. This opened up a can of worms and within a week we lived together and constantly talked about getting married. I should have followed through, I should have not been such a coward but I was still timid d/t a very serious past relationship and I thought I should be responsible and not put myself in a situation I may regret later.

I should have taken the leap though, been adventurous. Over the next year and a half with this woman I've fallen so deeply in love that I've lost sight of how to proceed on my own at this current point in time. Our relationship ended because of small fights and poor communication that escalated into something more. It was not one big thing... but it was a series of simple little things that could have been fixed. But they weren't.

I began becoming cruel with my words and saying things I didn't mean... but thinking oh it's just our pattern and we'll get over it... only we didn't. I told her to move out, which is one of the stupid things we'd say to each when we'd fought... this time she said okay... the final nail was slammed into the coffin and she was done. She was in our lease for 3 more months at our rental house and during that time I worked so hard to repair the damage, and became a better man than I had ever been... we continued to make love and go out on dates... it was as if everything was going to be okay.

Well come to the end of the lease, she did the unthinkable despite my impressions of the situation and moved out. She says she doesn't feel the same towards me and needs her space. She says she doesn't want to see anyone else, and really doesn't have any idea what she is doing... but says she stubborn in her ways and once she's committed herself to a decision she will follow through. So I never had a chance.

At this point in time she doesn't want me to wait for her, and she still thinks about me but not us. She wants me to see other people, and says although she has no intention of dating at this time, she will keep herself open to the idea. I've struggled with this every day and understand what broke us apart but after 3 months of working at it... I can't believe because of stubborness she would walk away. I remain hopeful that we will reconsile our differences and have explained to her that I understand her position. I've changed so much towards the end of this relationship.. more than any other time in my life. Perhaps its from turning 29 years old but I'm ready to commit and have a family and move forward with my life... she was ready a long time ago but now things are so shattered it is difficult to know what will happen.

She agrees that we have common goals in life and we are very compatible. She also agrees that our problems are easily fixed. But then it just comes back to this I don't want to be with you, I need space, I don't know... maybe we'll get back together in time. (she went back to an ex after three years in the past). I honestly don't plan on waiting three years but I believe in fate and true love and this girl in my heart as far as I know is the one. I try to rationalize the situation and tell myself there is a billion fish in the sea and you can always find taller, attractive, more compatible women... and I'm sure things will be easier in time. Experience tells me this. I'm just really having a difficult time accepting it though.

Does anyone have advice? Stories to relate? Maybe you need more information but I can't see any reason for us not to be together, and I really don't understand women I've decided after this whole experience. Whats the point of being my friend, and keeping in touch with me on a weekly basis. It just tells me she loves me, but maybe shes scared. Plus I have a real hard time accepting the fact she will probably have sex with other men... if that happens I don't know if I can take her back. She may not be with me but I still feel like I've been cheated on. How do I overcome that?

Thanks for listening.
drstricklandmd drstricklandmd
26-30
5 Responses Aug 6, 2010

I don''t know if this is going to help you but.....<br />
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I do believe she did love and was serious about you, and she probably still is and is doing her best not to be. She did move in with you and all that. Maybe you hurt her bad with some of the things you said and what you did. Sounds like you know you did many things wrong. <br />
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I did the same thing to my on and off boyfriend. I left him. I ended up going to the flat of my ex. Not because I want to get back with my ex but I just needed a friend after being hurt so bad. He still doesn't get it and he' s not thinking so much as how I'm hurt but how all this has hurt HIM. His hurt is always bigger than mine. <br />
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I stay friends wtih my some of my ex's because they are easy enough to get along with. I continue to talk to this abusive and suspicous man (who seems to have changed or as some people tell me, is pretending to have changed) because I love him and I care about him: it is either of the two that she continues to talk to you. I suspect it's the latter. <br />
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"She may not be with me but it feels like I've been cheated on". Were you strict about many things when you were with her? Did she tell you point blank she was no longer in love wiht you? You must feel so strongly about her but I think if you had broken up and she did come back to you, what would it matter if she had slept with someone else if she had broken up with you? If you truly loved her, this would not matter.. unless she was exacting the same standard out of you, then I'd understand your indignation at this.<br />
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"I always chose to stay with her, and never should you disrespect and taunt those you love and choose to be with. It is neither fair or appropriate to both parties. " It must have been torture for her you not leaving and yet her having to hear all these things from you, of all people.<br />
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"Our relationship ended because of small fights and poor communication that escalated into something more. It was not one big thing... but it was a series of simple little things that could have been fixed. But they weren't." What simple things? This is all a matter of opinion. Perhaps one thing for you is a different thing for her? Can you give an example?<br />
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"It just tells me she loves me, but maybe shes scared. " <-- This statement alone tells me you are very well aware of what happened here and you know what you have to do and that it will take time. <br />
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"if there is a future here I need to prepare for a very rocky road ahead for the next few months. "<br />
Perhaps I am misunderstanding this but it sounds like you're up for the long and rocky haul. <br />
I do admire you that you still want the same girl despite all this. Me, I got hurt so now I need my space. I have never been at a receiving end of such cruelty from anyone and it was baffling and depressing at the same time. I hope you hadn't traumatised her too much and made her too allergic to you and eventually, you might end up with her again and live happily ever after. I wish you the best of luck.

Very true. I just hope I haven't pushed too much already. She still considers us friends so that is encouraging... but I just need to retrain myself to approach her as a friend and not on a daily basis. I've made it all too clear what I'd like to happen. Deep down is feels so right, which isn't my usual loss anxiety... something just feels different about all of this. Time is my enemy, but also my friend. It moves too slow but in time will heal all wounds. I've been attempting to stay busy, I think my armor is just wearing down though. Weeks would be easy to accommodate but unfortunately if there is a future here I need to prepare for a very rocky road ahead for the next few months. Blech.

I think you just need to be still for a moment. When things are this intense if you try to push too hard you are really going to loose everything. Be Still. Tell her you love her and would love to have her again and then just be still. Allow fate to guide you........ what will be, will be. Ultimatley you have no control. Trust your destiny. Im sorry cause i know how this hurts.....

Given the current situation I really have no other option. I don't think I'll make too huge of an effort to meet someone but I'll definitely look and if the right one comes along... hopefully it will stick. It will just be a difficult transition. It's too bad that such a good pairing had gone so awry over such petty things. I honestly could have prevented a lot of this if I had been a better listener and gave her the respect she deserved. In hind sight thinking about the arguments... I always chose to stay with her, and never should you disrespect and taunt those you love and choose to be with. It is neither fair or appropriate to both parties.

Two point of view, time heals many emotions, and time can destroy what you had. She will tell you if she date other men, so you do not have to either. I think it is time to move on.