Blindsight But Still Having To See Him

Earlier this week my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me out of the blue. He claims he did so because we are two different people. I don't see that at all. We share common interests, music, tv shows, sense of humor, and generally just the things we like to do it our free time. The only significant difference between us is that I tend to express my emotions (always in a calm, rational manner. I don't yell, fight, curse, ect). If I'm upset over something he said or did I get straight to the point and say "what you said hurt me because___. To him that is too much emotion. He is extremely reserved and doesn't really let anyone know how he is feeling unless you ask him (even then he probably won't let on too much). He's being going through a difficult time financially recently and has been having trouble finding a job but I've been supportive of him 100%. I was okay with that. With him being reserved it helped me to pick my battles and not get upset over every little thing. I thought we were doing well but on Tuesday he just ended it saying we were two different to be together and he never saw us together in the long run. He also added that he still loves me and wants to take it day by day and have fun with me. When he said that I flat out said "I want to be with you 100% because I am in love with you and care about you and have the hope, not the certainty, that this relationship will last. The ball is in your court with what you want to do. I am positive about my feelings." Then he ended it and walked out the door. I've been dumped before and usually there are warning signs (fights, distance, exhaustion, ect) that go along with it. I saw none of the with him. If fact, the last day we hung out was amazing. I was left in complete shock. Now to the major problem: we have a ton of mutual friends. We met through a mutual friend and over the course of our relationship I've grown extremely close to his friends, their girlfriends/boyfriends, his sister, ect. They have been nothing but 100% supportive of me and their for me during this rough break-up. They have proved to me that they are not just his friends, that they are my friends and love and care about me more than my own friends do. I been able to deal with the pain because of them and I don't want to lose them as friends. Unfortunatly this means I've had to see him out. We didn't speak once after he dumped me so the first time I saw him out it was awkward. But I became the bigger person and after an hour or so of awkwardness approached him and said hi. Later that night we all went out to a bar for his sister's birthday and the awkwardness went away. We all had a blast dancing and drinking and I handled myself great. I didn't dance with him. Various times he came up to be to make a joke (such as something reminding him of an inside joke we have or a funny experience we shared) and I would do that same but nothing more than that. I danced and smiled and laughed the whole night. When I left I gave him a hug goodbye-just like I did with everyone else and he said "It was really great seeing you." I have a hard time hearing and speaking in clubs so when I left I texted him that I too have a great time seeing him and I was glad we both could be mature and associate with one another without any drama. But, I am still in love with him and being around him without being able to kiss him or touch his is difficult. I know at this time I should distance myself from him but I have too much fun with the mutual friends we share. Honestly, seeing him last night didn't really affect me that much. I thought I would just crawl up in a ball and cry and I didn't. I'm so proud of myself and when I got home I wasn't too depressed. I know this is all jumbled but bottom line, I am still in love with him and care about him so much. In my head I suppose I know that ending things is the right decision and if he doesn't want to be with me then why should we stay together. But what my head knows and how my heart feels are totally different. I hate the idea that I lost him.
notwithouthope notwithouthope
Aug 7, 2010