Just Need To Write This

I have no other recourse, and found this site, and thought maybe I can find some relief in telling this, even though there's no one here I know that can really understand me.

I'm 40, and have been married for nearly 12 years. For the past 6 years, things have not been well...long story involving an ex wife, a teenager from my previous marriage who has since left and will not speak to me, and a court battle that endured for 8 years, sucking finances and all of the happiness out of life.

I'm not sure when the fire went out of the marriage...I believe it was about 3-4 years ago. My wife built up a lot of resentment over all of the money, time and energy we spent on fighting my ex who refused to pay child support (yes, we had custody). I built up a lot of resentment for trying to compensate because I was told I needed to make my wife happy, rather than trying to make both of us happy.

Let me flash back 23 years...a 17 year old meeting a girl and dating her for 2 years. I know that a 17 year old probably doesn't know much about love, at least that's what I think about 17 year olds now. However, the relationship that we had was like nothing I've ever experienced before, or since...until now, that is. I can honestly say, looking back, that I knew what love was, and knew what heartbreak was. When she left me at the age of 19, I was devestated and went down an ugly, dark path of drugs and depression that, if I hadn't joined the air force one miserable afternoon, I probably wouldn't be here today.

In the military, overseas, I allowed myself to build up walls around my emotions, being very guarded and not allowing myself to feel much. I think that's probably why my first marriage failed.

So, about 3 months ago, something happened. Fed up with certain aspects of my marriage, especially in the bedroom...or lack thereof (depsite numerous discussions about it)...I posted a crazy ad on Craigslist, just looking for a no strings attached one night stand kind of a thing. Something to remind me of what sex can be like. What happened next blew me away.

I didn't know what to expect with Craigslist...although I can say, looking back, don't waste your time. The amount of spam, hookers, and other crap is amazing. I gave up on it, and resigned myself to mediocrity in life. Until she wrote. It wasn't anything elaborate, just a simple email, "You still there?" It was the first and only response that appeared normal. 15 minutes later we were actually on the phone talking, and about an hour later we had an interesting first encounter at a local bar listening to a band play. 4 hours later, she took me home and we had mind bogglig sex. This wasn't "making love", by any stretch of the imagination. She knew I was married...she understood, she had been there. She was recently divorced. We saw eachother again for three nights straight.

At the time, we both agreed that what we had was working...but I could tell something else was happening, and so did she. 6 weeks into it, we knew...and said it. I love you. I hadn't felt this way in 23 years...I knew exactly how I felt, and recalled that I had only felt it once before. To say that I was torn was an understatement...married, but feeling something beyond description in my heart for someone else. I thought she loved me as well...she said it enough, and the way we would hold each other, kiss, talk, everything just screamed, "THIS IS IT!!!!!"

3 weeks ago my company required me to head out to NYC on a business trip. We were saddened by the time apart, but did the usual, "well talk and email all the time". We did the first week. The emails were hot...the things we would do on my return, etc. During the weekend I had to spend in NYC, I finally realized that I had found the person I wanted to grow old with. Until Monday morning. The emails stopped. She wouldn't answer calls, texts, emails, voicemails...nothing.

I finally received the email Wednesday morning. It was over. She said she realized that she wanted more from the relationship and that I couldn't give it, and that it wasn't fair to ask. She had made the decision that she wasn't going to see me...didn't want to see me as she'd break down and cry.

Well, being in love for the first time again in over 20 years, I panicked. She wouldn't respond to the emails, voicemails, calls, texts...nothing. I even told her I wanted to leave my wife for her, that this was it. Nothing. What drives a person send an email to leave another person is beyond me.

By Friday night, I was a wreck. I continued to try and call, and then she blocked my number. Saturday morning, she sent me a final email to stop calling, texting emailing...not to come by her house anymore, and to throw away the key she had given me as she was changing the locks. She said that what we had was a fantasy...and that that fantasy was now over. I sent her one last email just asking for some kind of an explanation that would cause her to treat me this way.

Last Tuesday morning I got an email...the last one. She met someone. Someone new. Someone, she says, that complements her the way she complements him.

There will be no further emails, calls, etc. I know this. To say that I am confused, hurt and broken is an understatement. What I feel today is the same thing I felt over two decades ago. I can't say why someone would do this to another human being, I really don't know. Was it a game? Something she does for fun...breaking hearts? All I know is that the time we had, short though it was, felt as sincere as anything I've ever felt.

I'm trying to pick up the pieces now...move on somehow. I still love her, and I can't deny that. I don't know where I go from here. I'm trying to find that fire in my marriage, but I'm not sure if it'll be there. I think the love I have for Cyndee is prohibiting me from really opening up again. There's a good chance I'll just rebuild my walls, and muddle through the mediocrity that is my life.

I wanted to write this, because I have no one to tell...suffering alone is a horrible way to spend the day.

So, there you have it.

Moxrox Moxrox
2 Responses Aug 12, 2010

Kungfuchic, she often said, "we met for a reason." I always thought she meant that we'd be together. Maybe now it simply means that we met to allow me to know love again. I know that time heals all wounds, and I know that's true. The hard part is getting from day 1, when it hurts the most, to day 100...

Moxrox: Sometimes people have a special purpose in our lives, but we are not meant to be with them. Look for the good things that have come from this relationship. Maybe it's time to leave your loveless marriage or to work on it.