Can't Stop The Pain

It's been almost 2 years since I first posted my story - this is my update..



Looking back, I can honestly say that this was the most difficult time in my life. The effects of my ex's abusive and manipulative behavior were far reaching and affected me for some time after the relationship ended, even causing anxiety and fear to creep into new relationships.



I am happy to say my life today is far different than my life then. I found an apartment in a great neighbourhood along with a great job in the travel industry. Eventually a great guy found me who has had the patience and strength to understand my hesitation to let someone completely 'in' again. This time HE uprooted his life to be with me instead of the other way around. He has allowed me to be me and shown me what a 'normal' loving relationship really is. We even took a romantic vacation to France (a long time dream of mine). I certainly never thought I would be here 2 years ago.



I received a call from my ex a few months ago that I never returned. I pass by our old neighbourhood often on my way to work and occasionally feel a little melancholy depsite it all.



I am not sure why our lives take the paths they do but I do know that things get better in time and there is ALWAYS hope if you just hang on. I don't know if this will be my last heartbreak in life but I do know I will be ok in the end.

Hey, how are things going?

Hope can be a terrible thing sometimes. I go from having loads of it and feeling great to having it dashed and feeling devastated once again. I've heard a lot of good things the past few days regarding the future of the relationship but then the negativity creeps back in...



I feel better when I can exist in the present. I realize at those moments (periodically) that things don't feel so terrible. I'm responsible only for myself, I can spend my time as I wish, with whom I wish and the fighting has stopped. It's when I contemplate the future that things start to go wrong. No lover to kiss your cheek, hold your hand, listen to your bad day, go to dinner with or a thousand other things. The fact is I am on my own now, completely. On a good day that can be exhilerating and in a weak moment terrifyingly sad.



So I am going to attempt to live in the present (something people have been taught to do for centuries) and see how that goes. I can see that I am improving ever so slightly day by day and that gives me the right kind of hope..

You are one strong and smart girl ..like I said before, an inspiration. I would have let him in too. I don't exactly know what I would do next. But I tell you, if mine ever did contact me again which I don't think he will, I would feel so much better and stronger to on.

He may very well get the help he needs and be in your life again as a fixed man. Its good to dream about the maybe. It helps us go on.

Good luck going forward. I don't know if you plan or can have children, but make sure the man you end up with will be a good role model for your children. I must say my kids are so lucky to have the best.

Interesting evening. I had not spoken to him in a couple days. Today was the tiniest bit better, fell apart 4-5 times compared to 10-12 times (the night is still young) and managed to eat, yay for me. I also looked for an apartment, a job and got a massage that was as good as any therapy session. THEN, my phone rings....of course I don't answer. 15 minutes later I see the car pull in. I quickly run upstairs & lock myself in my room (odd maybe but it was my first instinct). Long story short, he's crying begging to just 'see me'. Being the kind of person that hates to see someone else upset I open the door after about 5 minutes of standing in silence. Then of course he wanted a hug. I drew the line. He stayed for 2 hours or so, crying, apologizing. He wasn't about to suggest a reconcile but I could see the look in his eye. I listened to everything, reminded him that I was being selfless at the moment because if I were concerned about my well being we would not be speaking right now. Eventually he left and has since called twice & texted to which I have not responded. There is a fine line now because it feels so much better this way, being able to communicate (as I said we were best friends) but I know its a slippery slope and I don't want to start again from scratch. You can only do that so many times..hearing everything you want to hear all over again puts that tiny dangerous bit of hope in your mind and thats what continues the hurt. Right now, I am still 100% committed to moving forward with my life sans boyfriend. If he comes back fixed one day, I guess I can dream...I do know that I have allowed this behavior until now and at least that has changed!

I love your friend's questions to you and her thoughts. I will use them myself and live by what she says about crying the rest of your life.

I would agree with riverside too. Men like happy, confident women not broken ones. I believe this to be a fact. I believed he was attracted to me for this reason. Once he broke me, the attractiveness was gone to him. Well, screw men like this. If they aren't going to love you when you are most broken and need them the most(especially when the damage is at their hand), then they do not know the meaning of true love and do not deserve women as good as us.

Keep us updated. Best Wishes for another night. Remember, you are not alone.

wow, life is hard. but you sound like you know what you have to do and are doing it. time will tell, if he gets help....you cant rule out anything, but you must go on with your life. 1st, get working to support yourself, this will also make time appear to pass faster...2nd, stay away from him...he has to hit bottom to get better...3rd, you met someone before, it will happen again.....just get yourself together first.....most true loving men are attracted to happy, confident women, not sad, broken ones....

I made it through another hurdle however unsteadily. I stayed away and let him pack without me there. I called everyone I knew to cry to and was asked a very good question. My friend asked me if I was not in love with him, if I would recommend him to a friend to date. My answer was absolutely not! He has issues! To which she replied of course, then why do you deserve what you wouldn't want for someone else? She also made a good point with, I can spend time crying over this now and eventually be done with it or I can stay & cry the rest of my life..



So, thanks all for the encouragement. I think I really needed the team effort. This is the hardest thing I have ever done but I am getting through it. Putting a cork in it for tonight....

Good Luck tonight. Are you working? Not sure if that is good or bad. Good to keep you busy, bad because you probably can't concentrate. Hopefully you are getting therapy. You should if you aren't especially without family. One good thing is I have my kids. My son's hugs and kisses help a lot. But I still can't function. I'm on antidepresents too and in therapy. God if I had a dollar for every therapy session I had because of this guy the past 12 years I would be rich. But this is the hardest go round ever. How I can love and hate the same time I don't understand. But he sounds a lot like your guy inside. He could be the best friend and lover but with the flick of a switch can turn pure evil ( its a long complicated story). I'm going to wite about it one day and I'll let you know. Please be strong tonight. I am thinking of you. If you end up hugging him or hiding from him either is ok. I gotta be honest. If I saw mine right now I probably would hug him because I'm a weak one. Don't let me down and remember, you will survive. Trust me when you have that first baby one day,all this pain goes away and you learn about true love. It helped me a lot although I still loved him. Then I was an idiot 10 years later and did myself in again with the same guy (really long story)NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!! But keep the good memories because they are damb good ones for you both!!!!! One day you will cherrish them although you can't see it now. Good Luck and have a good cry with the rest of us tonight.

@glorydays



Thank you for your kind words. I've been sitting here in the depths of despair hoping for...I don't know what, someone to share my grief I guess, so thank you. You are right, I don't have kids and that is a blessing considering. We do however own this house together so this will not be a quick resolution. He is actually on his way over to pick up some items as we speak. I am not sure how I will make it through. Probably hide in my room instead of run downstairs and hug him like I want to. You are also right that everything feels hollow now. I have to believe that things will improve but its something you can know in your head but have trouble feeling/believing in your heart. I wonder where I will get the strength to go through another upset so close to the last but maybe thats why Im here. I wish you had more hope for yourself. We all have things we must live with but it's never too late. Life continues even when it feels like a death. You are not alone. I am right here crying, moping, bargaining and hopefully eventually accepting right along with you. We are in it together.

I feel so bad for you right now. My heart breaks with you. I myself am going through the worst heartbreak of my life at age 40. Listen, you will make this. It sounds like you are stronger than you think. To be able to end your first marriage takes more courage than you could possibly comprehend. I don't know why you are going through this? It is not fair. You did find true love and I am sure he truelly loves you, but you know that. I am so proud of you asking him to leave when all you wanted to do was make him better and stay. You can't fix him and it hurts. You want to hold onto all the good. You are not alone crying all night. When you cry think of those that are crying with you at the same time. I myself, cry but deep weeps of grief and groan his name in pain. His love was the best I ever knew but his abuse was the worst I ever knew. the only thing that keeps me from hating him is that I know behind all that rage and what seems to be hatred, is actually a deep loving person whom unfortunately can't help but hurting others. But you can't be with him. Do you have kids? It doesn't sound like you do. That is good. You are still young enough. I feel I'm too late to have a future for so many reasons, I wont get into to. Although you can't comprehend now or even want to, you have a beautiful life waiting out there for you. I ruined mine (long story). Rent out your house. Go live by family and put one foot in front of the other. You will do it. I hate when people tell me I am my own best friend, but you are. I am lonely inside and feel I need someone to complete me. Not everyone is like this but I think if you are lucky enough like we both have been to feel real LOVE, it is very difficult to go back to that lonely place. For the rest of your life, something is missing. You will feel whole again but for now give yourself a break and accept it as hard as it is. Best of Luck with everything. You are an inspiration to others!!! Keep showing us what you are made of.