Uncertain LossI met a wonderful woman over the summer. We had some of the greatest times I have had since my divorce. We had a lot in common, she has a lot of the things I am looking for in a woman, and after 5 months of exclusive dating, she decided we were better off as friends as something was "missing" some spark not there. The problem is that I didn't feel that "hot passion" that I would want to have, but we sure felt comfortable together. I trusted her, looked forward to seeing her, and truly care for her and "loved" her as a person. We look good together, were intimate with each other, I told her that "I haven't stopped smiling" after the first time we kissed, made love, held hands... and I meant it.
I guess I held on to hope for the last two months since she told me she needed some time to figure it out. She had to focus on her kids for a while. I stayed in touch, talked to her often, sat with her at church every week, and remained (even til today) her friend. When we were together recently, chatting after church, a friend of hers came up and after talking to us a short while, said: "You two are a cute couple. You look good together!" That made my heart leap into my throat, but we just looked in each other's eyes, smiled, but didn't say a word.
My heart was placed in heartache (not heartbreak) status last Saturday, when I had invited her to a movie. She told me that: "It is hard to tell you this, I met someone 2 weeks ago." Ugh. I was speechless. I felt the air leave my lungs, tears building up, I didn't know what to say.
It's a week later and I cannot stop thinking of her. I wrote an email to her letting her know that I understood, I was hurting, but I would recover but I only wish her the best of luck in everything, including her relationship. The reality is: I hope he does something stupid and she runs back to me. My worry is that I don't feel as if I am in love with her, ready for a ong-term relationship, I just don't feel like I had the chance to find out. Part of me got 10 steps ahead as I was day-dreaming of trips to take, people to introduce her to, things to do, holidays to celebrate together... and that rug was pulled out from under me. In the stages of grief, I am bargaining.
If I am honest, I am attractive, intelligent, and what a girl friend of mine calls "a good catch", I will recover. The problem is that I don't feel like I want to look any more. But, I do want that comfortable feeling of having someone there for me. She was almost a perfect fit, and everytime I remember how much fun it was, it hurts. Everything I read says: "Give it time, find yourself." but that sucks too. I just want to be around her, even if its not a relationship. I am at a loss as to what to do with myself when I just want to make every excuse to talk to her or see her.
I recovered as all of us do over time. However, the guy she began dating after me asked her to marry him last month. I did have a moment of sadness that passed quickly. If she is happy, then I am happy for her. I am a better catch than him though. AND I (laughingly) found out that she lied to me about her age while we were dating. I did the math: she is 2 years older than she said. Makes me wonder what else was out there that was not true...
Amoruss 41-45, M 13 Responses 6 Oct 29, 2011