Uncertain Loss

I met a wonderful woman over the summer.  We had some of the greatest times I have had since my divorce.  We had a lot in common, she has a lot of the things I am looking for in a woman, and after 5 months of exclusive dating, she decided we were better off as friends as something was "missing"  some spark not there.  The problem is that I didn't feel that "hot passion" that I would want to have, but we sure felt comfortable together.  I trusted her, looked forward to seeing her, and truly care for her and "loved" her as a person.  We look good together, were intimate with each other, I told her that "I haven't stopped smiling" after the first time we kissed, made love, held hands... and I meant it.

I guess I held on to hope for the last two months since she told me she needed some time to figure it out.  She had to focus on her kids for a while.  I stayed in touch, talked to her often, sat with her at church every week, and remained (even til today) her friend.  When we were together recently, chatting after church, a friend of hers came up and after talking to us a short while, said: "You two are a cute couple. You look good together!"  That made my heart leap into my throat, but we just looked in each other's eyes, smiled, but didn't say a word.

My heart was placed in heartache (not heartbreak) status last Saturday, when I had invited her to a movie.  She told me that: "It is hard to tell you this, I met someone 2 weeks ago."  Ugh.  I was speechless.  I felt the air leave my lungs, tears building up, I didn't know what to say.

It's a week later and I cannot stop thinking of her.  I wrote an email to her letting her know that I understood, I was hurting, but I would recover but I only wish her the best of luck in everything, including her relationship.  The reality is: I hope he does something stupid and she runs back to me.  My worry is that I don't feel as if I am in love with her, ready for a ong-term relationship, I just don't feel like I had the chance to find out.  Part of me got 10 steps ahead as I was day-dreaming of trips to take, people to introduce her to, things to do, holidays to celebrate together... and that rug was pulled out from under me.  In the stages of grief, I am bargaining.

If I am honest, I am attractive, intelligent, and what a girl friend of mine calls "a good catch", I will recover.  The problem is that I don't feel like I want to look any more.  But, I do want that comfortable feeling of having someone there for me.  She was almost a perfect fit, and everytime I remember how much fun it was, it hurts.  Everything I read says: "Give it time, find yourself." but that sucks too.  I just want to be around her, even if its not a relationship.  I am at a loss as to what to do with myself when I just want to make every excuse to talk to her or see her.

UPDATE 3/22/13
I recovered as all of us do over time. However, the guy she began dating after me asked her to marry him last month. I did have a moment of sadness that passed quickly. If she is happy, then I am happy for her. I am a better catch than him though.  AND I (laughingly) found out that she lied to me about her age while we were dating. I did the math: she is 2 years older than she said.  Makes me wonder what else was out there that was not true...
Amoruss Amoruss
41-45, M
11 Responses Oct 29, 2011

There's probably quite a lot that's not true about her... LOL which is too bad.

You seem very honest. I know your feelings for her are true. But since you said you found out she lied about her age. Would you want to be with someone who lies? Ok her age not that big of a deal. However what would you do if found out she lied about something big? Your better of without someone who lies.. Sweetie you will find that one for you..

"Would you want to be with someone who lies...?" lol No freakin way... I'm quite certain that there are a lot of women out there that lie, too... and that's fine... people play on here all the time. I got burned recently... and she's probably still laughing about it. :)

Wow! It gives me hope that you express such certainty about recovering. Have you moved on? Been dating? Anything serious yet or just passing time?

It's awful to get your heart broken but yet still better than having stayed in your marriage and not even *felt* you had a heart any longer, don't you think? Life is just challenging. Thanks for sharing :)

I really don't understand why it is so hard in love.

Sad story and I really feel for you. I can never understand it when ladies tell me that a good guy with all the qualities that you have is hard to find. You sound like a top bloke, I would just keep myself busy with friends, ep and hobbies and I hope that in time she comes back to you when she realises that you are the best for her. I have seen it happen many times. Good luck, Dizznee

People always say that my wife and I are the ideal and dynamic couple. I always believed that we look great together and seem to be the perfect match. I had the same feeling as you when I found out she was in an affair. We are back together and working to iron out the reasons for her affair. I thought she was getting all the intimacy she craved, but something was missing I guess. Its a tough pill to swallow.

Amoruss your story touched my heart, and I know you will in time feel better. I too am suffering a bit of heartache, at first it was overwhelming, but I am starting to get more at peace with it. <br />
You will feel that closeness again in time only this time it will be with all the Hot Passion too !<br />
I havent seen my guy in almost 2 weeks and I am afraid with the holidays he may text, that just makes it harder for me.

You are a handsome man wwith a good head on your shoulders. She wasn't meant to be, but the one that is will just sweep you off your feet and never put you back down. She will come along when you have come to terms with your current feelings. She doesn't want anyone or anything to take anything away from what she deserved. She wants and deserves 100% of you. She knows she will be spending the rest of her life with you and can't have anything stand in her way! When the time is right, she will let you know. Keep us posted.

Thank you. Things are looking up, even at this moment.

A very beautiful, honest and well written story, i really feel for you and the whole time i was reading this i was dreading a time i might find myself writing about a similar experience.<br />
Not that my words will be of any comfort but i wish you all the best.

Thank you, a appreciate your comments. I am finding comfort here, on EP.

Amoruss, first let me say your "friend" sounds like a lovely lady............... <br />
Now as for you and her, it seems to me that she is not meant to be your lady. You see while you are "comfortable" with her.................. You deserve passion, peace and comfort yes...........but you deserve a woman that will not feel that there is something missing in your relationship. <br />
It's easy for me to say this, but it's best that you find out now then to be into a long term relationship, years from now and she tell you that or you wake up to want more then she can give you. <br />
I wish you luck! Time is all you need................your lady is out there............ *smile*

Thank you Treasure. Your name says it all, what I need... my treasure. Now if only she would stop texting me since I have not called her, the torture would end.

Well your treasure will take you by surprise.............. just wait......

I hate to say this because I know how rough it is when a relationship ends but sometimes these things happen for a reason and usually for the better. You don't see it that way now but you will. Trust, I speak from experience.

TY Hir. Hugs to you!