He Left One Day And Just Never Came Back

I have been married for 12 years when one day my husband says you care if I go to my brothers for a couple of days he is off of work so we can go fishing. (memorial day)  I said yeah no problem call me and let me know you got there ok.  That was the last time I saw him till his birthday in June.  He kept telling me he loved me and missed me but he needed to figuire out what was wrong with him.  I gave him the space he asked for.  He would call me everynight to tell me good night and I love you.  Then three weeks later he called at midnight and decided he wanted a divorce because he wanted to be happier.  If we were fighting not sleeping together etc I could maybe understand but there was none of that. He has destroyed my every hope and dream I had,  He has ruined my life.  I need meds to make it through the day.  I only leave the house now to go to work.  I have only seen him at our first court date.  He has moved to where his mom lives.  He said that he wanted to live there but I was taking to long to move there.  ( He had no job and a failing business so we were starting to use our savings to survive.)  The unemployement rate there is 25% we would never find jobs right now.  I had actually showed him house we should look at there.  Maybe go see a few to see what was out there he acted like he was interested. 

In the beginning I tried to go places and try things but nothing made a difference.  I just exist I have no life and no future.  I have just sat at home now becasue the let down of trying something and it was not worth pain of coming home to an empty house and the bed we slept in.  I still cry everyday and hate my life.  He says he is not happy but he has started to date someone.  That has made things even worse.  His family now acts like I do not exist.  One of the problems is that we always did things with his family because it was a really large family.  I have two friends and they are married and have lifes of their own.  So I sit in the dark and cry every night when I get home from work.  I physically am a wreck now.  Weighed in at 146 when he left and I am 106 now and about 5'8".  I have started eating again but can not put any weight back on.  I started smoking again after almost four years.  My lung colapsed twice and that is why I quit back then,  Now dont care if it happens again.  

I am sorry if this is to long.  I just can not move on.   He was my soulmate or at least I thought he was.  I am afraid that I will never know love again or be loved again.  That I will die alone with no one caring.
 
tyringtolive tyringtolive
46-50, F
3 Responses Nov 6, 2011

ladies although i do sympathize and feel your pain, i will state something ill get a lot criticism for but yall need to snap ! no offense but how can so many women be so stupid ! is having drama or whining mandatory in your lives? i have freinds now on both sides of that, ( i to have had that happent to me by my ex wife). 2 extremes here. the ladies i know have real jerks but they WILL NOT take any action. (income issue maybe?) they thrive on the misery, complain non stop, yet will defend that jerk all the time...2, i know some men who have a drop dead gorgeous wife or gf and they stay out, cheat and lie to them, have dates on the side and etc,,,guess why? because thier woves or gf are so STUPID that they can get away with it so they do.<br />
as far as the family. so what i did my ex wifes family...looked them straight and told each one of them to kiss my *** since what i and the ex did or so was NONE of their business..<br />
i married HER NOT her family..<br />
personally i feel ANY couple that has to waste time and money on a counselor are too stupid to solve their own issue and probably not mature to have been married in the first place. they are going to do what they their gonna do anyway so no matter..save your money on sessions and use it to file for divorce.<br />
at times i feel im making a mistake by not actively seeking ladies, let them all move in as roomies to cut costs etc and move on with all of our lives and so on..we probably would end up helping each get on our feet and make it better as well for all.

I wish it was that I was stupid. No one saw it coming. His family mine or me. He is now living by himself in cabin with no indoor facilities and no heat but a wood burning stove talking to no one and spiraling down deeper and deeper will not accept any of our help. I know that there has been to much damage done to our relationship to ever save it but I would give anything for him to seek help with his current demons whatever they may be. He is worse than he was when he left and his family is starting to call me now because they think he may listen to me because I dont push him further away when we talk. I have started the process to move but it is a day to day thing. The loneliness is the hardest to deal with. I will keep pushing on each day to find our who I am and what I want.

here we go again. he left you and you wont let go. who cares if he eats rodents in that cabin he made that choice.if you feel that way about him, pack your stuff, sell it and go live in that cabin with him ! gees its not rocket science--HE DOES NOT WANT YOU !!!!

I know he does not want me but that does not mean that I still dont love him and I am having trouble moving on. I know it is not rocket science either. I am not under the impression that he would come back or that if he did it would work out. To much hurt and trust issues would be a problem. I just still love him and have had a hard time moving on that is all.

well then as you feel that way theres nothing anyone can do since you have accepted your fate. read my opening remarks..

1 More Response

Your story is almost identical to mine including the missing link that Coffeey mentioned. My husband's original excuse was "I'm addicted to making you happy." Apparently, he wasn't happy but wasn't capable of sharing that with me. He's leaving a job that pays over $40,000 year and moving to the city he lived in when we met. I thought our relationship was almost perfect. I know it could have been a little better but we didn't fight or argue, we have a lot of the same values and he says our sex life was great. He's hoping to get accepted into a program at a community college but that opportunity didn't exist when he left so I still don't know exactly why he left. He served me with divorce papers last week. I, too, don't seem to be able to stop crying and don't understand how his step-family can possibly treat him as if I never existed. His step-family is encouraging him on his new venture. Thankfully, I have moments when I know I'll be okay no matter what but most of the time, I don't want to be okay without him. I just want him back. He really was a fantastic husband. I thought I was the luckiest woman on earth. It feels like the carpet was pulled out from under me.

Which reminds me, the counselor who saw us for 3 visits told me the same thing later. There is a missing link. There's something he's not saying.

Oh this is horrible to hear---- I am so sad for you. You have to go to counseling soon. You <br />
must - your not supposed to be smoking. You have to seek help - Please.<br />
<br />
Your ex husband sounds like he was going through something that he did not tell <br />
you. I heard stories where the husband turned gay and started seeing men. Hey it <br />
happens ! - Not saying its the case with you and your husband but you never know.<br />
<br />
You must have asked him why he left - what did he say..? It just seems like you left a <br />
lot out. I can't pull this story together - such a missing link. He must have had mixed <br />
feelings because of something. <br />
<br />
What ever the reason he left the point is now that its over and you have to live and move <br />
on and stop thinking of the past you had with him. <br />
<br />
I was never married. I had the some feeling tho in the past when a man wanted out.<br />
It hurt and took me a long time to give up on him. But when you do, you look back and realize <br />
that there is more to life than living your life for another person - Live your life for you - care about yourself and seek to live and not to die -- Do what ever it takes to live -- -- Coffeey

He says he thinks his life should be happier. He wanted to move by his mothers. The unemployment rate there is 25%. I had said if one of us can find a job we can go. He is living in a cabin that has no running water and only a woodburing stove for heat. It gets to 20 below zero in the winter. He says he is not working but he is working for cash and hiding it. We are getting divorced a week from tuesday. As ususal he came out on top I have paid for everything for the last year. He still gets half of everything even though he has not paid for stuff for a long time. My lawyer and doctor think that physically and mentally this is best to do it than continue to fight for months over 5000 dollars. So I quess I just try and move on. The problem I have is that before I met him my life was not good. It was not good till about three months of being together. I have lived alone before and did not like it then and do not like it now. I guess I just try and survive.

There still seems to be a missing link - I am not trying to get personal if you do not what to say but something is missing. He must have told you more about why he needs to split up with you. It sounds like he feels as if his life is just not complete or can not be complete by staying with you. I do not know your personality nor do I know his so its hard for me to say anything that will be true to your situation. One thing is for sure, you have to stop thinking about how sad you was before you met him and that it's inevitable that you will go back this way. I do not know how old you are but I sense that I am older than you and of course no one can really judge by that - so I'm sorry for that but the point is you must start taking a more mature look at your situation rather than believing that things will just mold to your expectations. He left and even tho you told him that the two of you can go if one of you gets a job -- he left and did not need your permission for it. This could have been some of the problem -- not sure -- A man can not stand to have to wait for anybodys permission. Even the seemingly week sort of men will surprise you with actions of this sort if they are living with a woman that makes all of the decisions.
If you love him , at this time frame it is best for you to just be his friend. It seems as tho this is really what he needs.

He gives everyone a different answer to why he left. Therapist says that she thinks that he does not even know the real reason right now. His family says that he is depressed and they have all expressed their concern that our marriage is not the issue it is something within him. I never said he had to have my permission to do anything Obviously if I could make him do things I would not be where I am at now. He no longer talks to people in his family so it is not just me he is running from. I am in my forties. Tell me exactly what mature look I should take. I will never be his friend. Friends do not walk away an take everything they can from you. He says he wants to be friends when this is done but yet he comes here when I am gone and takes things when he comes to town. He was the one that made the majority of decisions in our marriage so I was not the dominating ***** you think I may have been. He has no friends becasue he walked away from everyone that cared about him including his family. He perfers to spend time with complete strangers.