His Facebook Alterego Says It All

My husband doesn't have guilt and I have never been in his thoughts. He was caught cheating and only confessed after days of agonising lies, beucase their was evidence of what he did. He has now let me read back over his entire facebook posts and it clearly shows that even from before his wedding day neither me nor his son were in his thoughts.

I am a facebook-phobe who always felt I didn't feel they need to broadcast the editied highlights of my life but it never bothered me my husband using it as I knew many of my friends and family were also on his list and tough that it was just a way of updating people about his life.

Reading over nearly three years worth of facebook posts by my husband my name was never even spoken once by him. Not on my wedding day or after. Not on the day I gave birth to our little boy. Yes there was about 4 mentions in three years of a Mrs or the missus but never once anything about me. Not anything positive or negative.

In the weeks after our wedding people asked for wedding pictures (we had a beautiful wedding that was paid for by our parents so he didn't even have to stress about that) and he posted one picture of his wedding day (with no comment), immediately followed by three photos of himself on honeymoon driving a quad bike. Again no mention of having a great day or being glad to be married. During my pregnancy there was barely a mention apart from "I'm going to be a daddy" and an scan picture. Not even jokes about it. After the birth of our son it was the same. He went from when our son was two months old to nearly six months without mentioning him once. Not even a comment to acknowledge either mine or my son's existence. We had our first holiday together with our son and stayed in a beautiful romantic log cabin and I felt we had a really special time but again it wasn't important enough for him to mention that he was going, or that he had even been. But he did find it important enough to mention in jokes he shared with that women. He felt the need to comment on pictures or videos she posted.

What is really pain full about this is that many of the people reading these posts were our mutual family and friends. He was presenting an image of a single man, who was drinking and flirting with the women he went on to have an affair wife. Many of these posts were dishonest about what he was really doing. He felt the need to boast about drinking even though he is almost teetotal but didn't once feel the need to boast about his wife and son, or the actual real life events that were going on. The flirting on line gradually became more and more frequent but every time it was with the same women and always referring to in-jokes that they shared at work. I have only seen what they were willing to do and say in public and obviously can't ever know truly know the things that were said in private. His job as a carer means that has been doing almost date-like activities and with her. He has been swimming, cycling, had picnic days and days on boats with her. I have seen photos from these days and I have read the flirty comments that came after. But each weekend he never wanted to do anything with my son and I.

He says that she encouraged him but reading the posts it does not seem this way. It seems that the only encouragement she gave was not saying no. I wondered how another women could act like this with a married man but looking back at his facebook I can see that me and his son weren't a consideration for him so why would we be for her. At no point did he try to step back from the situation. Even after it finally got physical he just pursued her all the more. He spent Christmas day posting status updates which with hindsight seemed to be aimed specifically at her. Using words like 'teeeheee' and 'tunies', which he has only ever used in chats with her. Reading his Christmas posts its like he was saying I am bored spending the day with my family but I am still thinking of you. When I checked his phone he had two photos of her and not a single one of me. He also had a photo of himself wearing her hat and posted that to her before he actually got physical. Then he had that picture as his profile one for weeks even after he caught cheating.

I know facebook is something where people post edited highlight of there life. Where people have an on line persona and won't be truly honest. But why boast about stupid little things but completely ignore what should have been the greatest moments of his life. It hurts to read the almost daily updates he has received about his friends children or marriages but didn't once feel the need to brag about his son or wife. It honestly feels like he has deliberately presented himself as an available man, but in private with me and his immediate family he was so convincing as the doting dad or the smitten husband. Of course I wish I had checked facebook years before and been able to confront this but I had never doubted him. No single public comment by him gives the game away only reading them in order. Its more what he omitted rather than what he did say.

My husband justification is that he didn;t know he was flirting. That he finds it hard to show emotion and that's probably why he didn't post about his wedding or son. But its not that his posts lacked emotion it is that they were no existent. He claims he has now changed. That he is overwhelmed with love for me and our son and will do anything to make our relationship work. I joined facebook last night and he immediately bombarded me with wedding and other old pictures. But before that day there was only two pictures of us he posted (one of wedding and one day my son was born). Even now it feels like he is making a fool of me cause he is saying look my wife's on line so I suddenly I am a family orientated man.

I can't believe any of our happiest memory have been happy for him. I think emotionally he is dead but that he so good at faking his feelings I Haydn't even known. I'm not sure that the persona he presented to me or the one he presented to everyone else he knows on line is real. I think both are fake and he is a emotionally retarded selfish, manipulative man. He has manipulated me but also the other women who was only about 18 when the in-jokes all started.

Can a man really change his personality? Can it last or ever? Even if he changes his personality, can you learn to feel emotion when you have spent your whole life faking it? I really just don't know.  If your wife isn't enough for you on your wedding day or she has just given birth to your son, how can she ever be enough 1 year, ten years or 40 years down the line?
WoundedLioness WoundedLioness
5 Responses Jan 14, 2012

I'm. Very sorry to hear that you found your self in love with someone that treats you the way you are being treated,although I don't know you.You deserve better than this. You might google"borderline personality disorder" and see if any of these traits seem familiar,your husband might have underlying honesty issues?

Some people can change others can't. Change is painful and requires effort and commitment - if you don't think your idiot (err I mean hubby) has these qualities then its time to look after yourself. If you think he can change then good luck to you. Try some marriage therapy. It does sound a very bad situation and I empathise with you because I know personally how painful it is finding out the truth about people by their facebook page. I hacked into my wifes three weeks ago and wish I hadn't found what I found there. Good luck and I hope you get the peace and love you deserve

He will likely never change into what you want; he'll only become more devious. The other two responses are spot on. Get him fixed, so he won't make more babies and then send him packing!

I can't agree more with what rosedl said. You deserve better.

You are married to an immature jerk. Don't take his behavior personally (I know that may sound impossible, but this isn't about you, it is about HIM).<br />
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Sounds as if he wasn't ready for marriage and the reality of the committment of a family. But, you are young and you do not need him to move forward with a full life of love and happiness. It is his loss that he can't appreciate a loving family and he is stuck in teenage fantasyland. Responsibility and reality will likely kill off his new love affair if they took it into the realm of the everyday. <br />
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The best revenge for someone who takes your man....LET THEM KEEP HIM.