My First Love and Solemate.

My first love happend when I was 14 years old.  He was at first my best friend who lived the next street over, directly behind the slummy apartment I lived in with my alcoholic, abusive mother and her abusive and drugged up boyfriend.  His parents as well were drunks and going through a divorce.  We would hang out together as a retreat from all of the violence and misery we experienced.

Day in and day out we would sit on my porch or hang out at our friend Tia's house.  Just innocent love at first, snuggling and holding hands, and sticking up for one another.

Finally one day, months later behind a garage we were hiding behind in a game of hide and seek, we crept towards each other for our first kiss...we were scared and embarrassed.

Days went by and kissing became an everyday ritual.  I began to walk to his house after school each day and kissing eventually turned into more, into sex. 

When we weren't together we would talk hours on end on the phone, until one of us was almost asleep.  We knew each others every last though even without saying it.  It was puppy love.

I remember the last time I saw him.  I went to his house one day after school and he then walked me to the library where my ride was picking me up.  We kissed goodbye and I watched him as we cut through the park across the street to go home.  I watched him until he disappeared into the trees.  He started to get into trouble for not going to school and ended up be sent upstate to a juvenile detention center.  Our hearts were crushed and I replayed our last visit together in my head over and over, watching him walk away.

We wrote each other every single day without fail and I would sneak to the corner store to call him every chance I could.  We couldn't wait for the day that he would be home.

My mother one day decided that we were going to move out of state.  This had been my dream for many years, as my aunt was there and I wanted out of the slums and abuse.  But this broke my heart into 2.  How could I leave the only friend and love...

I remember walking to the store to use the payphone once again, my eyes filled with tears, and wanting to walk into traffic to end my pain.  That had been the hardest call I had to make.  Neither of us could speak through the tears.

We made the move and I began to be depressed even more.  I still wrote on a daily basis.

Month went by and I was finally adjusting to my new life, making new friends.  I began seeing other guys and we slowing drifted apart.

For about 15 years now, he still called me about once a year or so for a few weeks.  We would talk like no time has gone by.  I loved him deeply.  I had made several trips back up North to see him, although because of his relationships, denied me each time. 

Years later in my own relationship I even tried to tell him not to call me, it was interfering with my own.  However, he still did call and I was glad to hear his voice.  I loved him and simply could not let go.

Now at this point, I am married with 2 children.  Myself and also my husband and I have even been in counseling over the fact that I love this other man and cannot get over him.  I have not seen him in almost 15 years.  Why do I still have these feelings.  I have always said that he is my solemate, plain and simple.

My heartache now has really began because my husband and I just  moved out of state, therefore losing my phone # that I have had for many, many years.  I have no lost all contact with my love.  I have a new last name, I live in another state and our mutual best friend Tia moved as well after her whole life.  I feel like I will never speak to him again.  This is good in one way because there is really not point in in but I just can't accept that.  I feel like I need him for some odd reason.  I go over in my head day in and day out the reason and I cannot justify it.  I feel empty, I am misrable.  I miss him.  My heart is broken.


lcrlla lcrlla
26-30, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2007

It is very difficult to get over someone when they still call. The saddest thing is that he sounds like a fabulous person and he obviously still cares for you if he has called you at least once a year for the past 15 years. It is so sad that you lost touch...It sounds like a very difficult situation for you. I guess you should be happy that you found your soulmated at least once in your life. Perhaps you will hear from him again. The world is a weird place and I am optimistic. I was in love with this person and I actually randomly ran into him twice. It was like we knew where the other person was. I think I can actually sense when he is around....I hope you're doing okay now. Have you heard from him recently?

I have tried, God how I have tried. I have seen him in almost 15 years. I just dont know how I guess. I'm been to counseling, I've told him not to call. Just when I start to forget I end up having a dream or something about him. Many things remind me of him, he's drives me insane !