Deceiving Husband

I married this man 25 years ago, but I met him 10 years earlier. He was charming and romantic and I had not doubt that he loved me when we decided to start our life together.  During the 10 years before our marriage we cultivated a good friendship but we both dated other people. Lately, we became closer and decided to have a serious relationship. He told me that he broke up with his last girl friend and that he always knew that he loved me. Well, we decided to get married and AGAIN I could never imagined that he didn't love me. I found out that one month before our wedding he met his ex for lunch to finally say good bye to her. I got upset because i thought that they didn't have any contact as he told me in different occasions. That lie caused alot pain inside of my heart, and of course, I lost trust in him to the point that I couldn't hide it from him. Then two months after we married a female friend of his made a party for us. He told me that they dated in the past, but things didn't worked out between them and decided to be just good friends. I thought that it was great that they kept  the friendship. Life continued and we moved to other states during these many years. In several instances I asked him to call her to find out how she was doing. He always answered why? she is single, maybe she is not interested in keeping friendships with married couples. Well, I came to the point that I stopped asking, but I never had bad feelings about them. He promised to always respect me and to share everything with me....
Almost two years ago he was diagnosed with heart failure and had different surgeries during that year. I was there, taking care of him even after years of lack of communication and emotions of his part. I felt rejected, but for a while I linked his behavior with his health. BUT  soon or later we know the truth. He was in communication with the friend who made the party for us, pretty much since then. He told her that I was insecure... He met a woman at work 16 years ago and since then they kept a secret friendship. I met her shortly because he asked her daughter to take care of our son from time to time. I thought that they were just colleagues. He explains their relation as an innocent one. He admits that at the beginning they were attracted to each other but never acted it out. Ok, why did he cover it from me for so long and why he accuses me because she doesn't want to have lunch with him anymore. But this one is not the only one at work. A woman came from overseas to work for a year at his office in 2009. He also kept her secret from me. I learned that she took care of his health at work, cooked lunches for him ( he never mentioned that to me), spent time teaching her English and so on...when he was at the hospital she showed up twice before 7:00 AM with roses and came back the next day to cut their stems. He was grateful enough and gave her a "little" fairwell gift  before her departure from the country: same piece of jewely he gave me for our 20 Anniversary!! I had no idea  until I found her thank you card.
The sad thing about this story is that I'm still here. I grew older, my health suffered a lot with the stress and I haven't worked for years . He says that he never thought he was doing something wrong to our marriage!!!
nrm128 nrm128
2 Responses May 8, 2012

It's time for you to move on with your life and start to do thing that make you happy! Join a gym or a club make yourself better and live life to the fullest. Divorce is difficult so you needed to think long and hard about how you want to live the rest of your life ! Be a strong women.... good luck now get off this computer and live.

How awful to live a life where your partner continues to stay in touch with so many ex's. <br />
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From the beginning, there was no justification for your husband to meet his ex for lunch to finally say good bye just a month before your wedding. Of course you would be upset. I don't accept how anyone could be motivated to meet an ex for lunch for whatever reason when they are getting married so soon. Most say goodbye without meeting up. You had every right to lose trust in him.<br />
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There will always be some people who'll say if you have a good loving relationship then you'll have trust therefore it shouldn't be a problem if ex's stay in touch with your partner. They may even suggest being jealous and insecure. Personally, I've never been jealous but without a doubt, I have a strong preference for relationships who are without ex contact.<br />
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I'm sorry to hear about your experience.