Misery Is Pounding And Pounding At Me

I can't sleep for the agony drumming in my chest and I need, I so much need some wisdom, real wisdom to help me. I feel sick and hopeless and the misery gets all around me and I can hardly breathe with sorrow. I don't understand the cruelty of this world. I don't understand why the man I love so much, so deeply has to call me up and tell me that he's sorry, he must stay with his life the way it is now. I don't understand how parents can be so blind and selfish to make a child live in misery, and insist that if they try to escape, it is betrayal and wrong. How could they do it? How could they not see that the incredibly loving and responsible son is ruining, no, really ruining his life because of their narrow view of life? And why why why why why did I have to fall so deeply in love with a man from such a totally screwed up culture? I will never complain about American culture again, now that I can see how a culture can be so harmful for EVERYONE. The man I love is being forced into a cage of convention, so backwards and unjust I can't stand to think about it. Oh my beautiful, amazing love, how could this happen to us? How can I live with my heart so shattered, so broken beyond repair, with no hope for the rest of my life? How can I live with knowing that you are miserable too, that you have given up so much, so much love and opportunity for duty towards people who can never understand your sacrifice? I want someone to tell me something that makes sense. Because now I am lost and drowning in pain. Every second my love's face is there, reminding me of what I'm losing and how do I live on after this? How do you live when the sweetness in life is replaced by deathly bitter? I feel so low and sad and bitter and hopeless and how how how how how am I going to live without him. How is it possible?
mexpat mexpat
41-45, F
3 Responses May 13, 2012

Thank you to both Ginger381 and heartskipsabeat for your kind words. I'm still on the same roller coaster I've been on for months- totally despairing one day and hopeful the next. I am pretty sure there is no real hope, but any life line I can use I will right now.<br />
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Ginger381, thank you for the advice. Sometimes it is just good to hear that yeah, other people go through this and survive. I know it's true, but for some reason I still need reassurance.<br />
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Heartskipsabeat, I am sorry you are heartbroken, too. I hope you can get past this, too, and that you have more luck in love in the future.<br />
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As for me, I've promised my love that I will meet him in Malaysia in four years, if nothing else works out. I love him and I love to travel, and maybe in the meantime I can get an ESL certificate. Not only does this decision keep me from being so sad I'm physically ill, it is close to what I wanted to do when I was in my teens and early twenties.

Mexpat I'm sorry to hear of your broken heart. I too am in agony. It's been one month since my ex unexpectedly ended our relationship without good reason. I find each day so unbearable and I can't see or understand how is all went wrong.<br />
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Just to let you know, you're not alone. I wish you well and hope one day you'll find someone who deserves you. Someone who can equally return the love you have to give.

First off, I am really sorry for what you're going through. I have been there and I get it. I am going to be straight up and blunt with you because I wish someone had with me when I went through it. This pain you feel is no joke and is going to last for a while. Own it. Mentally step out of yourself, recognize the pain, and accept it. Endure it, but also force yourself to have a short amt. of "sad time" a day then fornce yourself to move on. The pain will be there, but keep going with your normal routine. As time goes on, take less "sad time" and it WILL get better. My heart was broken five years ago. It hasn't fully recovered either. Whenever I hear from him or think of him, the pain is still there. HOWEVER, the bright side is I was able to live with this heart break, but accepting that I may never fully get over him, but after a while, I realized he wasn't right for me. Even though the emotions and feelings were there, they did subside slightly, but I had more clarity. I also moved on, got married, etc. Even though I am happy in my new relationship, I still sometimes think of him. I am ultimately happy without him though because TIME is what healed me. The longer you dwell, the longer your recovery will be. Moving on is what healed me. So grieve. You have to. But don't wait too long, or you'll just prolong the process. Good luck!