Cookies For O

I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub, my head over the toilet, blowing giant blobs of sweet, sticky snot out of my nose. More of the goo covers my right hand and reddened knuckles. It's the last remnants of O's cookie dough. Together we mixed the dough last night while she stood on the kitchen stool so as to be able to reach the countertop. I promised to bake them before she gets home from school today. She reminded me this morning on her way out the door: "Mona, don't forget about the cookies, okay?" I told her I wouldn't and then I hugged her goodbye.

I've managed to keep it out of my hair and that's a good thing. I guess you can say that I've had a lot of practice, especially in high school when this was a daily occurrence. I will have to make more cookie dough for O. Fortunately, for me, my housemate's 8 year old daughter, doesn't come home from school for another hour.

I want to get up to clean off my hands but then the grief overwhelms me again. Being cut off from him. It's more than I think I can handle. I lean over the edge of the bowl and let large tears roll down my cheeks as loud wails break from my chapped throat. I might as well let it out now before my housemate gets home. I'm a strong person. I remind myself again and again of all the things that went wrong. All the things that ended our six year relationship. I try to tell myself that I'll find someone else. Someone who I can love just as much, maybe even more. Someone who will want the same things in life as me. Someone that I can connect with. But inside, I'm not so sure that I will.

Eventually, the wailing subsides. The grief does not. But I am numb now. My belly empty. My mind a blank. I finish the ritual. Carefully removing a large wad of toilet paper, I first wipe my mouth, then my hands, and lastly the rim around the bowl. Flush twice to remove any trace evidence. Wash my hands, face, and brush my teeth so hard that the bristles bend back, ruining the brush.

It is a good thing we still have all the ingredients for more of the cookie dough. Oatmeal, chocolate chip with walnuts. O's favorite. I won't disappoint her. The cookies will be waiting when she comes home from school. Only I will know that they are a fraud. A sham.
RedRamona RedRamona
31-35, F
May 14, 2012