You Taught Me How To Love, But Not How To Stop...

"i'll love you until the time comes when we cuddle up in bed for the last time and say.... goodnight darling, i'll see you in heaven..." -- my fiance to me.

ok, those that know me on here know that I'm honest in my experiences... I don't write short stories, so for that I apologise.... but I hope you will take the time to read on and hopefully understand and offer me some opinions... I truly do have a broken heart.

I got together with my girlfriend at the beginning of last year, following somewhat of 'a chase' on her part, as I was 'courting' her friend at the time. I spent a lot of my time being messed about basically, and being completely oblivious to what was right in front of me. This 'chase' lasted a couple of months, until one day I just gave in to the fact that I was head-over-heels with her.... that we had so much in common, despite the glaring age difference -- she was 19 and I was 27 at the time. We shared so many wild adventures together -- the sort of fun-loving and sweet-hearted girl I had always dreamed of. She had a daughter, 13 months, from a previous abusive relationship.... whom I absolutely adored, she even began calling me 'daddy' on her own whim... which I got used to and loved, considering my own upbringing was so similar, we saw the highs and lows -- we got engaged, we even lost a baby together, but it bonded us, we were the perfect tiny family.

This is until the beginning of December, the name of an old school friend (I'll call him DB, as his name alone makes me shake with anger) began to crop up in our conversations more and more often. He had no interest in her prior to our engagement -- and I knew this guy, he had form for breaking relationships by going behind the guy's back and gradually alienating the female half before taking the prize in the ensuing breakup. He does this by preying on the girl's insecurities, and convincing them that their life would be so much better with him. I know this because he had done it with one of my female friends, and tried and failed with another, so he had a track record. So it was to my massive surprise, when I had logged in to my fiance's Facebook (we had the same passwords, as a sign of trust) to play a little practical joke on her (which we did regularly) -- that I see a notification from DB in her inbox, I normally had no problems with her talking to guys... I was never the controlling or insecure type. But here was DB, stating his intention to meet her off the bus when she went to visit her aunty's house, and trying to gently cajole her towards his house. Intrigued, and knowing his work... I look backwards into the conversation, and he was putting the moves to her, with lines such as 'll lie here at night thinking of the things we could be doing together and how happy I could be making you'... a very familiar pattern indeed. I questioned her as to why she didn't tell me she was meeting DB, an all out slanging match ensued, with lines from her such as "he's my f**king friend, stay out of my f**king Facebook" and "i don't have to tell you f**king anything!"... I told her never to talk to me again, as I like at least a little bit of honesty, as I would do with her. An hour later, she talks me round 'I'm sorry baby I love you so much'... so I take her back, out of sheer unconditional love, I was willing to overlook it, so I let it lie.

Christmas comes and goes, we divided the day between our families, during which I receive a card from her mum and stepdad thanking me for giving them their happy daughter back 'Mellissa is the girl we always remembered again, and thats all down to you... thank you for bringing her back to us, we love you Kris" - it was the pinnacle of my life, at that precise moment in my life... I felt true value, it was the most rewarding moment ever. Me and my fiance were absolutely fine, nothing was amiss we seemed fixed for a life together forever -- I kissed her goodbye and went back to my family house to pick up my Christmas stuff, and told her I'd see her tomorrow, I never did.

Over the course of the following 3 days, she was 'ill'... and told me in no uncertain terms to keep away, unless I wanted to end up violently ill. Which I did, as she was adamant. However, on 28th December I recieve a text message asking me to call her, saying 'I have something to tell you and you ain't gonna like it' I called her --- and the call went thus: 'i don't love you anymore, I want to be single, I'm too young to be tied down in a relationship, I need space'... and after much crying and pleading from me (uncharacteristically, as I'm normally very chirpy and upbeat) that was it... a year of happiness, gone in a flash, completely out of the blue.

I went into meltdown, even lapsing into a kind of stalker regime... because she had become very abrasive and wouldn't even talk to me, respond to texts, anything. I sought answers.... I only wanted my say... I never physically confronted her, but I did see her out and about sometimes (done quite deliberately) mainly because of how much I missed her and just longed to see her face.

This was until one day when I was out with my friends, and see her.... normally that made my heart jump. But on this occasion it was the person by her side that grabbed my attention... DB. I was mortified.... I was paralysed with shock, I stood and stared with tears in my eyes as she walked down the street away from me.... pausing to look back at me just before she disappeared from view. I couldn't help it... I had to ask her, I text messaged her, asking if she'd sold me out for him... she said no, he was just a very good friend. But his arm being around her, and them looking like a proper little happy family presented different evidence in my eyes. I called her out for it, and asked her why she's sold me out for a lowlife relationship-breaker like him... she defended him, saying 'he's not a lowlife', and 'he's changed and does not break relationships anymore'... clearly...! Against my better judgement I bite my lip and leave it at that.

I let it lie for a while, believing the whole 'friendship' story. Until I found out through a mutual friend that DB had actually showed up at her house --- 3 DAYS after our split, to 'comfort' her.... and he promptly asked her out, they have been together ever since ... Seems like a case of 'job well done' for him.... a lot of people that know them both say it wont last, as DB is not the sort for relationships and kids... so it remains to be seen how that will go.

In the meantime, the down-to-earth fun loving girl I knew has become a black haired, makeup clad, self obsessed monster.... blocked me out from her life, made me the subject of various indirect slanging sessions on Facebook with her mother (from which I am blocked) ... her family clearly have no idea what went on, they are simply hearing her side and judging me for it. I do deeply regret my actions as far as turning into a slightly obsessive stalker for a small time, I truly hate what she has become -- but I still miss her terribly, I see her everywhere in my mind.... the places we went, its like i'm seeing ghosts, everywhere I look there is a memory that we shared. The shop front from where we met for our first date, the bus stop where we first held hands, the park bench where we first kissed... to name but a few. I havent spoken to her for 3 months now.... I have thought about attempting some kind of contact with her, but I always end up talking myself out of it because a) she will talk to me in her own time... and b) deep down, I fear being rejected. But the reality is, without physically being with me... she remains a looming figure in my life, not a day goes by where I don't think about her in one way or another, the only one who ever 'got me'... the only one who I ever truly loved, I would have laid down my life for her. She taught me how to love, but she never taught me how to stop.

"Love of my life, you've hurt me... you've broken my heart and now you leave me, love of my life can't you see...? bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me because you don't know what it means to me..." --- 'Love Of My Life' by Queen.
RubIxSKube RubIxSKube
26-30, M
2 Responses May 15, 2012

I actually saw her today with DB, she walked right past me.... don't even think she knew I was there to be honest. She was pushing her little girl in her pram, who until 6 months ago called me 'daddy'.... she was asleep. The toughest part of the whole experience was hearing her voice, and pretending I didn't know her as she walked in front of me... when god knows all I really wanted to do was hug her so tight... then maybe this pain would disappear :( -- things became difficult after the split, she went back on her promise 'if we ever split I will never stop you seeing Amber, you've bonded so much and it would be cruel to take you away from each other'. <br />
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Lol it was quite funny actually... sometimes I would visit a little bit later at night, and they would both be asleep... so I'd sleep on the sofa so as not to disturb them. In the morning, Amber was always up first, so when I heard her coming, I'd close my eyes and pretend to be asleep. I could hear the smile in her voice as she said 'daddy!'... and it was hard for me not to smile with her, but if I did that I'd give the game away... :) so she would come over and put her head on my chest, then toddle over to where the 'daddy wakey-up stick' was kept, she then proceeded to bash me with this thin pink plastic tube until I 'woke'... she laughed so much while doing it, and I loved her laugh... which is why I let her do it every time. Mellissa was never far behind, and just stood there with the proud look you only see in a woman's face when she's thinking 'there's my babies...'. I lived for these moments, and my God do I miss them... I adored that little girl... and I still do, just as much as I do Mellissa, even slightly more. This is one of the things which has made this split so hard for me... we went from something to nothing, and it was all to quick. <br />
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I have so many stories I could tell about our adventures, with sometimes just me and Mellissa, but most times with Amber too. I'm half the man I was while I was a part of their lives, i'm constantly thinking about them... I love them both still so much. <br />
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The only things I kept after the split were the valentines's day cuddly devil Mellissa bought me, which I used to wrap up in her dressing gown when we weren't together, so i could hug something that smelled of her, then I wouldn't miss her half as much as I did. The only other thing I have is Amber's baby-grow from the last night they spent here with me, and I can honestly say I still cry whenever I hold it in my hands... even after all this time, the pain is still as raw as it ever was --- and seeing them today with my 'replacement'... and having to ignore them, was one of the toughest things ever, and has brought a lot of the old (good & bad) feelings back to the surface again. I really hope one day we can all be friends again... because I miss them like crazy, and would to anything for one more hug... :(

I'm sorry to read of your loss. That's a sad story and one that I understand. <br />
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I know how traumatizing it is being ripped apart by losing the one you love. It's so much more difficult when you didn't see it coming. To be taken from a beautiful, tranquil world to one where you feel so helpless, so alone and so isolated is agony. A world where you obsess about her every second of each day, struggle to sleep and eat and wonder how could she change after demonstrating such complete love for you.<br />
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Whether she loved you or not, did love you and no longer does or thought she loved you, the fact is she currently does not feel the same way about you and it would be difficult to change her mindset now, especially if you run after her. There will always be other men like DB waiting for an opportunity for a relationship to end. There will always be a man ready to take your place. Although DB isn't true friend material, it's really down to her that caused the split, not him and his influence. If she had the same love for you that you have for her, DB would not be able to penetrate her love. I'm certain of this.<br />
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RubIxSKube, hold your head high and remember you are not alone. I'm there too, rock bottom. I lost the love of my life a month ago and I also didn't see it coming. I feel demolished. I get upset every day and I wish I could stop wanting her to return. I agree with Aurinne, your girlfriend never deserved you and I also hope your pain becomes diffused with time so you don't miss an opportunity to find complete love. Indeed, it is the only cure.