She Built My World, Then Tore It Apart...

First of all, please don't judge me. Its complicated. I got married in 2009 to my high school sweetheart. I couldn't have been happier. She was my world, in every possible way. For 3 years now, I have done everything I can to make her happy. Everything. She was treated like a Princess. But she changed, almost immediately after marriage. She grew old almost overnight. She became boring, lifeless, moaning, complaining, stagnant and selfish. But, this story is not about her! I met someone last year. A work colleague. We connected in every way. We fell in love. She is married (but separated) and has a son. Every chance I could, I would be with her. We were so similar in every way. We really were, I believe, meant to find each other. She loves me intensely, and I her. If I wasn't married already (and if she wasn't, of course) I would have proposed to her by now, no question.

I love her. And we have spent nights together, and were planning holidays together. I was thinking about how to free myself from my suffocating marriage, and she the same. However, something happened.

Obviously, her husband and my wife did not know about the two of us being together. But one night, she was sleeping beside me, nothing more, and her husband called her. He calls her every weekend to check up on her. It was about 3am. She answered, and I accidentally spoke to her at the same time. He heard me. And then my world ended.

He threatened her, and said he was coming over to see if she was home. Of course, she wasn't. So, she dashed home and made it there before he did. She told me he threatened her, and blackmailed her over her son. Since then, she won't speak to me, won't reply to messages, and told me just the once, that she will never see me again until we are both divorced and free...

Obviously, that could take a long time, and I don't even know how to go about it.

I still care for my wife, of course. She is very important to me. But I am so deeply in love with my colleague, that everything reminds me of what I have lost. Standing in a certain spot, I remember I last stood there with her. Hearing a certain song, I remember she would sing it to me. I hear a woman laughing, and I spin round and look, because I think it is her. I see a pretty dress in a shop window, and I think how good she would look in it. My phone rings, and I jump on it, in case it is her... but it never is. I see old photos of her, that she used to send me. I see that face everywhere. Even the very letters of her name make my heart ache.

And don't forget, I have to work near her. I will unfortunately see her now and then across our office, and know what I have lost.

I don't know what her husband said or did to her, but it has ruined us completely. Her husband abuses her mentally (I have seen the evidence - he tells her she is a useless mother, a terrible, awful person, a prostitute, a worthless human being, etc, etc.. and he always uses her son against her to get what he wants. He turns up at her house whenever he wants to. He checks her phones, computers and everything to make sure she isn't with anyone else. He bans her from going out, even with friends... you get the picture.)

Now, I know the 'wrongs' of what is happening. She is married and has a son (though as I said, she is rarely "allowed" to see him, because of her ******* husband, she is separated, so they live over 1 hour from each other). I am married too. Neither of us are in happy marriages. I know we shouldn't be meeting up secretly, I know we shouldn't be sleeping together, I know we could get caught and wind up in a world of trouble... but its love. And when you meet your soulmate, you just put everything else out of your mind... I know its wrong, and so does she, but, wrong doesn't stop your heart from fighting for what it wants. And we want to be with each other... permanently.

Anyway, the point is, now she won't speak to me or respond to me. And part of my worry is that she never will. After everything we have been through together, the passion, the love, the supporting, the caring, the fun, the madness... I can't live without her.

She is my new world. I would do anything for her.

Now I see her sitting in the office, miserable, reserved, cold... And it is killing me. Even her friends say they never saw her happier or more full of joy and life than when she was with me... And now, its gone.

I am trying to leave her alone, hoping she will come back. She knows how I feel. Even after the 'event' with her husband, I told her I still want her, love her and need her. She knows.

But I have lost her. Possibly forever. And she and I will continue being separate and miserable.

I don't want to try to force her back to me, but, if I don't do anything, maybe that is another way that I will completely lose her.

I can't lose her. She is everything to me. If I get a divorce, I stand to lose everything I ever worked for, but, for this lady, I would do it, and I would think it was worth it... She is beautiful, fun, sexy, talented, spirited, classy, spontaneous, bright, intelligent, strong, exciting, affectionate, sweet and sassy... She is perfect... And now, I see other men trying to make moves on her! She is such an attractive woman, she is highly academically qualified, but, she is also a sports-woman, a singer and a dancer! She is such a beautiful woman, and I don't just mean physically. Her personality is pure magic, and other men flock to her all the time... and it is killing me to think that maybe, just maybe, one of these other men might break through to her, and then, I will just want to die.

I know I shouldn't be jealous like this, and I know she is technically married to another man, and so I shouldn't even have the right to be jealous, but I am. I am also afraid that if she 'cracks' finally under the misery and goes out to some club to drink her sorrows away or something, another man might take advantage and ruin her further... a woman like her will not be ignored in a club or bar for very long, trust me! It is crazy to have these thoughts, but my heart is breaking and I need to be back with her... I have never been jealous over a woman like this before, ever! I feel stupid for feeling this way... but I love her, and I miss her, and I cannot deal with being separated from her like this...

Will I ever get her back? Will we ever be happy together? I cannot live without her... but she is gone... I don't know what to do any more.

I miss her. I love her...

Siege1980 Siege1980
31-35, M
1 Response May 21, 2012

In addition to the above, I have just learned some possibly unpleasant things. I don't know how true they are, but, I was told the following by someone who would probably know, and I don't have any reason to suspect they would lie...<br />
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1 - She told me she was living in a separate apartment from her estranged husband and paying for it herself. Apparently, this is not true. Apparently, her husband is paying for it.<br />
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2 - She told be he lived well over an hour away, in another State. Apparently, this is not true - Apparently he lives about 15 minutes away, in the same State. This would explain why she ran away from me that night so fast. Now I think about it, why would she panic like that? If he lives about 90 minutes away, and she lives only 20 minutes from me, why would she run THAT fast? Should could have stayed another 30 minutes and still not had to worry.... BUT, if he lives 20 minutes from her house, then THAT explains why...<br />
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3 - She said she never stays at his place, or allows him to stay at her place. She told me they never sleep together, and haven't for 2x years. Apparently, sometimes she needs a lift from colleagues or company drivers during her work duties. It seems she is frequently telling them to pick her up from HIS place, and she is seen kissing him goodbye and letting him carry her overnight bags (!) to the car.<br />
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4 - She told me he was of a certain nationality. Apparently, he isn't. I won't post specifics on here because this should be anonymous, but it just shows there may be another lie going on here.<br />
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5 - She said she had her son with this man. Apparently, she already had her son before meeting this guy. Which would explain why her son doesn't appear to carry any of her husbands features or nationality.<br />
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6 - There is even doubt now as to whether they are really married. Apparently, she may have just been a very young (and stupid) girl who moved here, with her young son, couldn't support herself, so married or attached herself (probably using her incredible looks!) to this guy to support herself and son, and now cannot get out. Maybe that's how it started, and maybe (!) now they're married...<br />
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I feel so betrayed if even ONE of these things is true. She never had ANY reason to lie to me, and I would probably never have fallen for her so hard, or done the things we have done together, if I knew she was still sleeping with her "husband" and staying at his place frequently. <br />
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I really do NOT want to believe any of these things about her. I know, I know, I am blinded by my love for her, and I don't want to even hear such things about her... But I cannot ignore these things. I don't even want to confront her with these things because:<br />
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a) I am supposed to be keeping my distance right now, and this is probably NOT the nicest thing to re-engage contact with her over!<br />
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b) I am scared that she will confess to these things, and my heart will not only be broken, but will be utterly betrayed as well, and then I don't know if I would want her back like before, but, I know I still would want her back... What a mess!!<br />
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c) If she denies all of these things, and would probably get extremely angry and upset with me for doubting her, then I will possibly force her even further from me, if she thinks I don't trust her.<br />
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I have no idea what to do. I still miss her terribly, and I am trying to stay distant, but it is killing me. Even sat here writing this, I had a flashback of the heavenly feeling I get when we are lying together in bed, and all I am doing is holding her close, and she whispered "I really love you!" against my neck... Why can't I have that back? We seemed to be so happy together....<br />
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:( :( :(<br />
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My next life better be a whole lot happier and fulfilling than this one! :P