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Love Life Lost

I don't even know where to begin, or where to start. This is still such a fresh wound and I am still reeling.

We have been together for a year. Friends for a year and a half before that. And living together for about 5 months.

Like every couple we have gone through tough things and worked through them. (Or so I thought) Our relationship was always very fun and very strong until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This whole thing came up out of no where and surprised both of us. We worked through it and Ive been continuing to work through it. Things have felt like they were getting better, we were having fun again.

Friday, marked our "Anniversary Weekend" since neither of us were not quite sure of the actual date as we just kind of fell in to place. Friday evening we sat down and decided that we would go into the city this weekend, and next weekend we would go camping for two days.

Excited by our plans we both sat down on the couch. When I began kissing him, he got this strange look on his face. I asked him what was up and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I pushed him to talk saying that if there are issues we need to talk them out. Then he dropped a bomb. He stated that he found me "repulsive" and that he felt repulsed when I came on to him and that he has been faking his happiness for a while and forcing himself to have sex with me. Lastly, that he didn't want to be with me.

I cried and asked how this could be true when just now we were kissing and you got goosebumps, how literally 30 min ago we were planning our anniversary. My mind was blown. I immediately packed some of my things and came home to my parents.

I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought this was the man I would marry. He was my best friend AND boyfriend. I am returning to the apartment today to talk and see if we can work through this. We live together 2 and a half hours from my home, my job there, etc.

For my health if we are truely done I cannot stay in the apartment. It will kill me to have to watch him every day. To sit in the same room and not be able to cuddle or kiss.

I am just so damn lost. What do I do?
blissfullah blissfullah 22-25, F 4 Responses Sep 3, 2012

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Thats horrible, I dont kno whats wrong with him to treat you that way. I think saying you repulse him must be streched on is behalf, I doubt you really do. Of course you can't stay there with him, its too hard, he decided to leave you, if you moved into that house together ask him to leave and go somewhere else. If it is his place, hopefully you can get a new place near your job, or if you cant aford it, move in with your parents and find a job close by there. I know its not that simple and it sucks. Ever need to talk msg me x

You mean ex boyfriend?

Did you talk to your boyfriend?

Wow what a story my god. No offense it sounds like the man has some serious issues sorry if you dont want to hear that but I only speak the truth. I just lost the love of my life my husband due to pancreatic stage 4 cancer he was 48 i am about to turn 38 on 9/11. a widow at 38 can you imange. anyway god rest his soul he was a toxic person always saying hurtful things here and there for no freakin reason it was just to be mean (toxic) trust me I have done the research and you should to on living with a toxic person. Trust me you need to run away as they told me as far as you can you will be so much better off. But I can truely understand if you cannot. I finally got to a point where we decided we would do what his parents have done and continue to do years later (to currently) live in seperate houses but stay married (a couple only seeing each other). I went with my grandma to help her out from may 1st till we found out he had pancreatic cancer june 19th. I dropped everything that day we found out. I took care of him the best I could his cancer just took him down so fast he had stage 4 it had spread to the stomach liver and pelvic. even though he was on morphine every two hours he suffered terribly he ended up having blood clots in both legs and in the stomach. He swelled up from them from under his chest to the tip of his toes even with morphine you could not touch his legs the pain was so bad from the clots in them. It was hell on earth and I would now wish it on my worst enemy (my ex husband). I wish we were not seperated house (wise) for even one day. He was told he had cancer june 19th and died august 14th not quite 2 months later from the day we were told. Please research living with a toxic person I hope it helps you. I am here if you ever need to talk okay Take care sweetie god be with you. Marlene