Love Life LostI don't even know where to begin, or where to start. This is still such a fresh wound and I am still reeling.
We have been together for a year. Friends for a year and a half before that. And living together for about 5 months.
Like every couple we have gone through tough things and worked through them. (Or so I thought) Our relationship was always very fun and very strong until I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. This whole thing came up out of no where and surprised both of us. We worked through it and Ive been continuing to work through it. Things have felt like they were getting better, we were having fun again.
Friday, marked our "Anniversary Weekend" since neither of us were not quite sure of the actual date as we just kind of fell in to place. Friday evening we sat down and decided that we would go into the city this weekend, and next weekend we would go camping for two days.
Excited by our plans we both sat down on the couch. When I began kissing him, he got this strange look on his face. I asked him what was up and he said he didn't want to talk about it. I pushed him to talk saying that if there are issues we need to talk them out. Then he dropped a bomb. He stated that he found me "repulsive" and that he felt repulsed when I came on to him and that he has been faking his happiness for a while and forcing himself to have sex with me. Lastly, that he didn't want to be with me.
I cried and asked how this could be true when just now we were kissing and you got goosebumps, how literally 30 min ago we were planning our anniversary. My mind was blown. I immediately packed some of my things and came home to my parents.
I don't know what to do, or where to turn. I thought this was the man I would marry. He was my best friend AND boyfriend. I am returning to the apartment today to talk and see if we can work through this. We live together 2 and a half hours from my home, my job there, etc.
For my health if we are truely done I cannot stay in the apartment. It will kill me to have to watch him every day. To sit in the same room and not be able to cuddle or kiss.
I am just so damn lost. What do I do?