I Just Want To Be Happy Without Love

I have my heart broken. I have to admit, part of it is my own mistake. I've fallen in love with the most wrong person. At the beginning, I've realized that the relationship won't go far, but my feeling has blinded me from seeing the reality. I keep going and going, I didn't even care when he hurt me many times and used my love to him to get what he wanted. And one day, when I was too tired to cry and being hurt by his ignorance, my feeling was slowly fading away.
I know, I should have let it go and move on at that time. But I didn't. I'm too stubborn, in my life and in love. Or maybe I'm just afraid of leaving my comfort zone. He kept using me, took me for granted, until today I told him the truth. I said to him that I feel he's only being nice to me when he needs something from me. Other than that, I'm invisible to him. I understand his situation and his problems. I don't even want to ask anything from him. I just want him to respect me and doesn't take me for granted. And he replied with a cold hearted words. I know what he was trying to do. He tried to make me feel guilty for not understanding his situation.
I know I deserve better. But this relationship has bound me and somehow the other part of me still hopes that everything will change.
But I'm already too tired... I don't even want to love again for now. I just want to be free, from this relationship and from him... I want to be happy without someone else. I just want to be happy with my own self...
Ellamystra Ellamystra
31-35, F
1 Response Sep 18, 2012

I so understand what you are going through.

Relationships are supposed to be "two-way streets". There is supposed to be compromise. There is supposed to be give and take. There is supposed to be mutual respect and understanding on both sides.

But I think that sometimes, one person starts to dominate the relationship. They recognise that they have an emotional/financial/social advantage over the other person. The other person begins to work harder to get the love and respect they crave. And the "dominant" partner either consciously or unconsciously begins to play on the weakness of the other.

It actually becomes like a game to the dominant partner. They can push and push and push and see how much they can get away with. And they do this with a certain sense of security. They do it believing that the other person wont leave, or that if the other person tries to leave, a little bit of guilt or insecurity will bring them back again.

This doesnt happen in all relationships, but it seems to be a common theme in unhappy ones.

The only way through is to break the cycle. Concentrate on yourself. Try building up self-esteem again self-confidence again. In the meantime, get rid of anything or anybody who is intent on keeping you where they want you, i.e. at their beck and call.

Sorry for the long reply, your post got me thinking! I hope you can see a way through this =)

Thanks for your kind comment, Shylamarais =D

I dont pretend to know everything, and if I come across like that, I dont mean to!

I suppose I apply my own logic to the stories I read here, and I have a tendancy of thinking out loud. But if anything I can type helps anyone, then I'll type it =)

LostConfessions, thank you very much for your advice. Don't worry about the length. I don't even mind if you write your own story here. Lol. You've said the truth that I might even fear to face. I know I can break the cycle (though I've failed many times), but somehow my feeling always defeats my courage in the process.
But you know? I will try again. I will try to focus more on myself and I even will erase and block his numbers. That is one thing that kept me from moving on. I still keep his number and his messages until now.
Again, thank you for this advice. I will remember it whenever I lose my courage and my heart tempt me to call him again. :)

I am so glad that I could help you in some way Ellamystra. I have been where you are, and many, many others have too. We have made the mistake of allowing others to dominate our lives.

We need to protect ourselves, no matter how loving or giving we are. We need to recognise that we are people too, and we have emotional needs. Our love should never be free of charge.

If we can just find the strength within us to walk away, at least we will walk away with our spirit intact. And I think that makes it more likely that we will find that special someone to whom we can give every bit of ourselves in the future, without wasting time drowning in grief and misery =)