In Over My Head.

My problems go back to when i was pregnant with my little girl. i had just found out i was 2 months pregnant and i was terrified to think what my moms reaction would be. She wasn't going to be happy about the whole situation not to mention she trusted me completely. The day i met up with my boyfriend to tell him he didnt say a work. He did suggest abortion though. I'm thinking it was because he was scared and i had never met his parents even though we were together for a year and a half. Never once did abortion come to mind. My grandmother had passed away from alzheimers and my mother was a wreck so was i and the rest of my family. she was the only one who ever kept our family together. Days passed and he was all of a sudden not sure of being with me and taking care of the baby together. He claimed he wasnt sure of what he felt for me. i was more than devastated and only added more stress, confusion and pain. later i found out from friends he was cheating on me with a coworker and i slowly put the pieces together. she was the reason he wasnt sure he wanted to stick around. months went by and i loved him not on,y because he was the father of my child but because i knew he loved me too. i blamed it all on fear of responsabilities not to mention a baby was on the way. months went by and things just worse. id find messages, texts, and emails that repeatedly showed me maybe he wasnt in love with me the way i thought he would be. not my child or my love make him or convince him how much i really did love him. i forgave constantly and it all led him to cheat on me with someone i considered my "best friend". all along he was with her. all the times he said he was at school or with friends he had her in the car. i found an email where he confessed just how much he loved her and just how much he hated me for not allowing them to still talk or what he and she liked to call "friends". it was than i developed anger towards him and anger grew to hate and hate to resentment. i feel like i lost sooo much time wanting to be with some one who never felt the same way. now im in a situation where i still live with him and everyday is a constant battle. im happier when im away from him and when its just me and my baby girl. but at the same time i know i still care and hate them for not allowing me to be happy. i dont know if me still working at that place is whats causing so much confusion simply because i still see that nasty **** at work or because what ive come to feel towards him is simply comfort. im so confused and keeping it all in is not allowing me to breathe. i feel sad, depressed and stressed out because i know i love him. but i dont know if ill ever be able to forgive him for what hes put me through all these 3 years. no one has ever made me feel so low about myself the way he has. he wants to start over and hes showed me he wants to make things work but idk if i want the same. i seem to be miserable with or without him. i seem to find comfort when im away with him. maybe its just this whole environment thats making me so unsettle or maybe i really dont care anymore. for once in 3 years i just wanna be happy. i wanna laugh and smile the way i used to. i just wanna be me again. and i feel ive lost myself through this whole situation. please, someone help me understand because i just cant anymore.....
yourstruely0105 yourstruely0105
22-25, F
1 Response Sep 19, 2012

You are going through a lot right now =(

Not only have you had a baby, but the one person whom you loved and whom you should have been able to depend through all this has let you down. And this has been going on for 3 years? You must feel totally exhausted =(

As a complete stranger reading your story for the first time, my thoughts are that you need to get away from him. He is not making the situation any better, he is making it worse. He has cheated and lied to you. You say that everyday with him is a constant battle, and you are happier when you are away from him. He makes you feel bad, and the situation you are in with him is really getting you down.

I know you love him, but I think that you are afraid of taking a step into the unknown - that is why you are sticking around. You are afraid of leaving him maybe? But the truth is that there are many, many more men around who would give you the love and support you need - both for your baby girl and for yourself.

If he wants to try again, fine. Let him. But in the meantime, you need to remove yourself from this situation, it is not doing you any good whatsoever I dont think. What options have you? Can you go and live with someone else? Have you got the money to maybe get a place of your own? What sort of support network have you besides him (e.g. friends or family)?

If I were you, I would look real closely at my options. I would put myself and my baby first. Loving someone is OK, but not when they dont love you back. And it really sounds like it doesn't at the moment. I'm sorry =(