When Does Life Begin Again?

So many times I have been accused by family members of only remembering the "bad parts" of our home life growing up. Each time I have told them to please remind me of the good times. It is these occasions when, more often than not, those "good times" mentioned were prior to my having been born or after I had moved from my family home.
Why is it that with this last relationship that I have had, this last man who I thought (was positive) was the one, why do I only seem able to remember the good times? Why do I so easily recollect the feeling of my arms around him while I sat behind him on his motorcycle? Why is it that while I stand at the bus stop with feet aching and dirt flying around in the windy air do I suddenly remember the warmth of his manly, rough hand within mine? Why do I pick up groceries and for a moment wonder if he would like what I am going to prepare?
It is my understanding that the key to a good break-up is the ability to remember all of the awful things but each time I think of these awful things (and there were plenty) I somehow feel guilty. Sure, he had a problem with my gaining weight but what man doesn't? I gained 20 pounds and he met me when I was skinny. Yes, he mentioned my thinning hair and I explained it was due to meds that I am not on anylonger but doesn't every man prefer a woman with long thick hair rather than long thin hair? Yes, he flirted with other women but all men do, right?
I can justify anything, it seems. Maybe this is the key to knowing that you really love a man; suddenly all of the pain and crying and pathetic attempts to keep him interested seem to be "normal." It seems as though we are overreacting about the many unkindnesses, we believe this because this is what we are told and we begin to believe what he tells us.
The thought of trying to date again makes me feel physically ill but I am very lonely and it has been over a year. If I were in mourning the mourning period would be long gone at this point. Come to think of it I was lonely when I was with him also. I was afraid to talk to him about anything of any sort of consequence due to fear of making him angry with me.
I want my life to begin again but do not know how to go about it. Now with all of these biopsies and skin surgeries for skin cancer and skin cancer prevention, I feel as though I should be living life to its fullest. How do we hit rewind and play? When do the tears stop? How do we start over and begin again?
heartprotection heartprotection
41-45, F
2 Responses Nov 29, 2012

I'm also in the same emotional boat. I make so many excuses for his abusive behavior. Yes my boyfriend of 3 years was emotionally and verbally abusive. It became "normal" for me to second guess my thoughts, questions I wanted to ask, things I wanted to do, etc. Your ex was controlling and abusive as was mine. Yes I still miss him (it's been 4 weeks) and I have to constantly remind myself of how NOT normal his behavior and my adjustment to it was. I'm "man shy" at this time.

It is interesting that you should bring up excuses...one of the things that he seemed to dislike most about me was the fact that I tend to make excuses for people...funny..it seemed as though I was making excuses for him most of all. Isn't it odd that we miss the poison that was slowly killing us? Yes, I am "man shy" now also...great term by the way! I wish you the best; I know that it is so hard when they somehow manage to make us love them...unconditionally...and then say and do so many awful things that we are left feeling emotionally empty...it will get better for both of us I am sure!!!!!

Cyber hug to you. Good luck in your healing. I'm working on mine. It's a moment by moment journey.

Thank youand hugs back:) Good luck to you as well!!!

Hi, I'm in the same situation as you. Your guy sounds like he was controlling and emotionally abusive with his criticisms. So was mine. But even though I still have feelings for him, my mind knows that he was not the one for me and he would not make me happy. One day you'll meet someone with whom you CAN talk with about anything without fear, and who loves you for you unconditionally. Who compliments you instead of puts you down. That was cruel of him, please keep that in mind. Don't give up hope ok? The right guy will make memories of this jerk in your past fade in the blink of an eye. True love does that.

I am sure you are right; your lovely words put tears in my eyes. It is easy to forget that others suffer as we do; sometimes we need to be reminded that others understand the depth of our sadness and confusion over circumstances for which we have no control. Thank you very kindly for your words:)