Don't Always Believe 'i Love You'

This story starts off innocently enough. I was looking for reviews online for something major I was going to buy (can't use specifics here or it will be too easy for readers to figure out who I'm talking about). This man had a whole channel full of about a hundred or so videos reviewing the type of product I wanted to purchase. Over a few days, I watched these videos and slowly started feeling a sort of connection to the guy. He was funny, charming, he had warm eyes. There was just something special about him. Well one day, I left a comment on his channel basically saying, "hey I think you're kinda cute and I love your channel."

I was happy to get a response the next day, and he complimented my profile photo too. Soon these short emails grew to long ones, and questions getting to know each other. Then the letters grew to essays and we found we had more and more in common.

Then it went to text and finally talking on the phone. It went on like this for weeks where we were in contact all hours of the day whether on text or phone or email. I was slowly falling for him.

In the midst of this he wrote me a long letter explaining that he had
kids from an ex-wife, and also a live in girlfriend, and that they were no longer in love--that they were just roommates staying together for financial reasons. That she was dating someone.

I was shocked at this, and knew it was a red flag, but by that
time my heart was already in it. I stupidly said it didn't matter.

We were both very intensely into each other at that point. Constantly
in contact through texts. Neither of us could eat or sleep, and he
kept talking about our future together (HE did the most of that kind
of talking, not me) and that somehow we could make this work. He had
never felt this way before yada-yada (lie perhaps) and I hadn't either
(truth). He kept telling he loved me digitally--then finally said he loved me. I said the same back, but knew that you can't truly love someone unless you have at least me them in person...which we finally made plans to do.

Both my parents immediately thought he was a user, but I didn't see
it. He seemed so genuine.

The night we met, I was smitten and even crazier about
him. He was everything I dreamed of...although the first thing he
said was that my CAR was beautiful (not me lol). Then later said I
was cute and looked similar to Meg Ryan? I didn't know what to think of that.

We sat in the car listening to an album he gave me--he had also bought
a few other gifts as well. Then he said he couldn't get out of the
car yet because he had a hard-on??? We had talked sexually here and
there on the phone (though it didn't dominate our conversations) so I
guess he felt comfortable saying that. . Red flag, I know.

When we ate, he seemed like he was in a hurry (looking back on it). I
don't remember him lingering over conversation. Then we got in the
car, and I drove him to a neighborhood and park where we walked hand
in hand. He had me wear his jacket. We went to a park and kissed for
a couple hours. Then kissed in my car for a couple more. Things got
a little sexual (which is not how I am at all--but I felt so
strongly...and was so stupid/clueless).

He kept suggesting go back to his hotel room to cuddle. I
finally did (another stupid thing to do because I could have been
raped, but I mistakenly though I knew the guy by now). There was no
cuddling involved. He knew my sexual past--that I was very
conservative, had never been naked with a guy, and was a virgin. He
kept taking small steps to try to push me further and further and I
felt completely out of control. He was aggressive in bed. NOT
gentle. Not the way you would treat someone you felt you were falling
for. But I was so afraid of disappointing him or seeming prude I went
along with it all. We didn't have intercourse but did almost all
other things. I thought it odd that as soon as he 'finished' he
immediately wanted to take me home.

The rides in the car throughout the night were also odd because he
would just sing to the album he brought and not talk with me a whole
lot, but we would keep holding hands throughout the whole ride.

When I got home that night (around 5am), I felt physically sick about
what I had done, and had nightmares when I'd fall asleep. I texted
him that morning saying I wish I hadn't gotten physical, and had gone
more slowly--and that I hoped moving too quickly hadn't ruined the
relationship. He said he could leave early instead of staying another
night, and we could have more of a 'first date' by going to the park
and tossing the ball around (what we had planned).

This is when the nightmare started. When I met with him he seemed
completely different. Didn't hold my hand, was acting like I was just
a buddy. At the park he was checking his watch. We threw the ball
back and forth and didn't speak much. Then we sat on a bench and when
I snuggled up to him he kind of moved away. He finally said "I want
to run away from you." He half laughed and said "you hate me now
don't you?" I couldn't believe my ears. Then suddenly he was talking
about how things are too complicated for us to be together, it
wouldn't really work. I started to cry.

We finally went back to the car, and true to his word he seemed like
he was in a big hurry to leave. I dropped him off at his own car, and
after a short kiss, I drove off and turned to wave but he didn't watch
me leave at all.

He video skyped me that night in his hotel room in Delaware and seemed
incredibly depressed. Again, the only thing he said was that I needed
some sun. No compliments--just that I was pale and cute. Before that at the park he kept hinting that I would look better with my hair up (I had
it down during our date the night before).

The distancing continued and when I would talk about it on the phone,
he would completely deny it. There was no more romance or talk of
futures, no flirting, just like we were business associates. I kept
hanging on because my heart was still 100 percent.

I threatened several times to just leave the whole things (to which he
never seemed very upset) and I would just keep coming back. I finally
wrote an email telling him that he had used me and how much he had
hurt me. We got into an argument on the phone after that. He said
that he thought I was different, but was like every other girl he had
ever met. That my emotions were now just me "being a girl". Yet, he still set up another time to come visit me and said he had feelings (I could tell he didn't).

His texts became colder, and cruel at times. Making fun of my
feelings that still remained. 3 days before he was supposed to visit,
I told him that the relationship was dead in the water, and cut
contact.

I was in such deep pain and depression, I could hardly make it day to
day. A week later I broke down and sent him a message telling him
that we could just be friends and that I would always remember him and
that I hoped the best for him. He responded almost immediately and we
texted back and forth a few times and he went to bed. I felt happy
again; the world was right.

But as friends he was barely in my life anymore. It was a dagger
being driven deeper and deeper into my open wound. He went for days
without even contacting me.

Only a few days ago, he finally called. I was so happy, I had a big
smile on my face--my mom was begging me to hang up (I was visiting her), but I couldn't.
The conversation was very sexual after the niceties ("we can still be
friends but I'm still going to want to **** you"), and the talks about
how he didn't want me to wait around for him, and how he didn't want
to hurt me (too late). And he mentioned stopping by my house on the
way back from florida (he was driving). I said maybe..feeling so
desperate by then, I was almost considering just sleeping with him
just to be close to him again. I wasn't recognizing my usually
logical/smart/no-nonsense/never let a guy push me around self. My
heartbreak was making all the decisions--my ego was desperate for the
renewed interest in me physically that had all but disappeared after
he met me in person.

He was cold and aloof again on text the next day. When I said i
missed how we used to be, he texted back and said "are you being a
girl again?"

So finally, the night before last, I blocked his numbers, his email,
everything to do with him. I have never felt so much emotional pain
in my life. I felt so used and rejected. I felt like I was falling
in love with someone who disappeared and faded right before my very
eyes.

My grief has frighteningly turned into a deep depression.
Nothing in life is enjoyable to me anymore. I can't stop crying, I
wake up feeling so horrible, and can't stand to be alone by
myself--whether at home, or driving in my car. Something I used to
enjoy. Thoughts of what went wrong, why did he fall out of love or like with me. What if I had gone slower physically. I would have figured out that he just wanted to use me. But my feelings and lack of experience with sexuality ended up destroying me and caused some bad decision making.

I have fantasies of just leaving him in the park that day--the day he said he wanted to 'run away from me'. Telling him to get a cab (I drove us there) and never looking back.

Now all I can do these days is look back and cry.
girlinterrupted2112 girlinterrupted2112
36-40, F
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

Oh my gosh....reading your story reminded me of the long story I wrote about the man that shattered my heart...The man I was so true to, who fed me nothing but lies....

At least he was honest about his ex-wife and live in girlfriend. I was not that lucky. I was also a virgin and gave it to him....I have no regrets losing it, but just regret loving him, giving him my entire heart.

You see, I completely was nodding my head in agreement when you wrote, "I was shocked at this, and knew it was a red flag, but by that
time my heart was already in it. I stupidly said it didn't matter."

I did the same....I only thought with my heart at that time. Eventually, like you, I broke it all off with him. I don't want to think about him anymore. I was feeling strong this past month, but today....it's one of "those" days, my down days when he is creeping into my mind again. I don't want to look back and cry, but it hurts because I was just so much in love with him. He was my first love and my first everything.