Took Everything I Had.

So where do I start? I need somewhere to vent my feelings. cant talk to my true friend about this because..I fear he would not understand.

I met her 6 yrs ago. she was 16 still a virgin. We met online out of all places at the moment i never thought it would be anything more than a online chat and video sessions (she was in the UK I live in NYC). So we spoke online for two long years and actually started a relationship of sorts although we hadn't met. I actually thought it would never happen I like to think realistically I never thought id really see her. Till she turned 18 she asked her father that she wanted to come to NYC for her birthday to sight see (in reality she wanted to come see me).

So she did come she showed. At the very moment when I first laid eyes on her in person(She was staying at the Mandarin Oriental in Columbus Circle. I cant even drive by there anymore I have to take detours now around that street). It all became very real to me and till this day I love her for that. She didn't have to come across an ocean for me. She was young and gorgeous could have had any man she chose back in the UK, but there was something about me she said. anyways we stayed together she would travel to me on her time off from school. She would come for the whole summer, her winter breaks any brake she had we spent together. I could not travel to her as often she was 18 and i was 23 by the time we met in person I had responsibilities work bills etc. So she understood and traveled to me. It was bliss and i grew to lover her more than i love myself put her before I. When she would come out id take care of her she didn't have to work or pay any bills or anything just relax and love is all she had to do till it was time to go back to the UK for school. I have taken her to the best restaurants in NYC showed her everything there was to see in the city because she loves the city so much specially Times Square. Took her to my favorite place in NYC The Bronx zoo and she shared my joy for the animals we would go a few times a summer lol even bought season passes. took her to Yankees games, Jones beach, Key West, Atlantic city it was all so good. She met all my friends and their families. My family seriously loves her my mom, 2 brothers and sister took her in life part of the family.

But i guess all good things must come to and end right? guess so.

During her first attempt at her first year in Uni(Bristol) she got lost. Met the wrong crowd and started using MDMA its a bigggg party drug out in the UK and other places I'm sure. anyways, she met this girl who got her onto it and she almost ruined her life. I remember still how she would call me in the middle of the night telling me to stay on the phone with her cuz she wasn't feeling good feeling like someone spiked her drink. I remember one time specifically where she was in a club called me scared out her mind. Saying she was getting a cab someone spiked her drink etc while in the cab she said she had bruises on her thighs and was crying. I am obviously out of my mind because I'm overseas what can i do? id tell her so much be careful be careful call me while u out make sure ur ok but it didn't register. I knew then she had done me wrong CZ I am no fool Ive been around and have done dirt my self. not to her but before her. she changed the person i was and made me so much better because i truly loved her. sorry if I'm rambling try to understand my mind is all over the place. So instead of leaving her I stuck by her right by her side. Never judged her never questioned her about what she had or hadn't done. I knew she needed me and I knew she was lost and being mislead by a wrong crowd. So i stuck by her cuz she didn't have anyone else apart from those doing these things with her who knew what she was going Thur. We actually made it i still cant believe till this day how i did it, how i dealt with it all. I also knew she loved me and cared for me. But Bristol left a mark on her...she had hallucinations because of the mdma, she confided in me that she would wake up at night and see a black shadow of a man standing over her bed....she would call me in fear sheer fear saying how he was there now and id stay on the phone with her and tell her its ok no one is there...this went on for quite a while actually to the point where she couldn't sleep without me...so we would skype throughout the night while she slept id stay on skype with her to make her feel safer and boy she slept like a baby..but then she came over after leaving Bristol and i saw just how bad it was..we would be sleep and if i touched her suddenly or moved about while sleeping she would wake up screaming with fear..and id hold her and tell her baby its me..its me..you are ok..and hold her to sleep..with time we beat that too...slowly but surely it went away.

So yes i stuck wit her, being who i am and what i have been thru i know no relationship is perfect not relationship that lasts thru time lasts without problems and issues and forgiveness because after all we are all humans and are imperfect. The next time she came to stay with me we went out one night to our fave restaurant (5napkin Burger), we love it there, Has her sushi that she DIES for and had my steak which I would KILL for lol. We got to eating and drinking and even though I stayed with her and loved her even tho she had done what she did in Bristol it was all still in the back of my mind. I knew i wanted to be with her for the rest of my life so it would have to be spoken about sooner or later. I chose sooner and brang up the topic of what happened in Bristol. She was honest and we put it all on the table, she told me she had cheated on my twice. Now i know alot of you would say I'm a fool for staying with her after she had done that. cheated with two men. But i know her for real and I know that wasn't't her it wan't. So we are in 5napkin she tells me one guy forced himself on her while she was under the influence of a spiked drink and the other was a guy who she met at the club again high of mdma. I had never shed tears in front of a woman other than my mother(not because it makes me feel weak, MEN do cry but because i had never ever felt so strongly about someone) so shes telling me what happened crying her eyes out telling me how much she loves me and that wasn't her and i saved her life and she wouldn't be where she was had i not stuck with her. she would probably still be in Bristol strung on mdma. All this was too much and i couldn't take it so i got up left her at the table and stepped outside for a cigg needed it badly. I remember that night still..it was snowing soooooo much that we got stuck at the restaurant for about 2 hrs no cabs no cars nothing lol. anyways I'm standing outside eyes bloodshot and watery thinking how this woman I love was touched by another man...how she was used for pleasure without the person caring about her or loving her the way i do. it hurt bad..it still does. But still I loved her. So i walked back in the restaurant sat down and downed a screw driver in on long gulp. she was still crying thankfully the booths here are semi closed off and we had privacy. She started to talk telling me to please forgive her that she didn't want to lose me what we had and what we planned for that she would live the rest of her life making it up to me. But i told her no...i didn't want her living with guilt and feeling like she had to do this to make it right. i wanted her to be with me because she wanted to..so at the very moment i told her..I love you I always have and I always will always. I kissed her and she cried into my chest and I told her not to worry that I would not leave her that I would love her like no one else has. I forgave her right then and there. I looked into her eyes and I said its ok. No one is perfect because I loved her and I saw that she genuinely loved me and was sorry. So i did forgive her right then and there. I remember leaving the restaurant half tipsy trying to hail a cab she couldn't walk in her 4inch heals lol so i carried her over the snow and into the cab it felt almost like a fairy tale at that very moment. Like we had gone thru the fire together and made it. I really felt after that night that nothing would tear us apart nothing.

3 yrs went by and we were oh so happy, since the beginning of our relationship we spoke every single day throughout the whole day. We would sit on skype together and just chill sometimes not even talking just watching TV or whatever. id help her with her Spanish homework since shes a Spanish major and I'm a Spanish native. if we were out the house we would still be talking thru whatsapp. Now dont get me wrong i am also not perfect and I have made my mistakes, my mistakes have been that I have not gone to see her as much as I should have. but at the same time i thought she would understand it wasnt because i didn't want to but because i couldn't. I don't get 3 months of off work wish i did. I don't get month brakes for winter wish I did. Plus not to mention I had to make sure i was working because i needed to prepare of our future once she finished school and also I had to support her every time she came out to see me. Which i did so gladly not complaining about supporting her but to be frank i come from a humble home raised by a single mother with 3 other siblings of which I am the oldest and I'm sure if any of you have siblings and you are the older responsibility falls onto you. So i couldn't afford to take trips our there as much as she wanted me to and still be able to have her come stay with me on her time off just couldn't..wish i could have but i couldn't.

So that leads to this year..she was on her year abroad in Italy then Spain. I couldn't go see her she had just been her the summer prior to this one then back in December she came again and in January for my birthday she surprised me by making my friend make me go to the airport thinking we getting his grandpa and in reality it was her..one of the best days of my life still. but anyways back on topic. So I wasn't able to come to Italy then she went to Spain and i wasn't able to go either. this whole time she was with her friend from uni which is a very nice girl who studies language just like she does. but her boyfriend lived close and would come down very often i think that got to her...i think that's were it started. So she would go out wit her girls alot..alot..but i understood lol shes 22 **** what was i doing when i was 22! clubbing every weekend so i understood and i gave her space let her go out have her fun never interfered because i understood and i didn't want to spoil her youth. but slowly she changed..,she was drinking every time they went out..partying hard...and slowly she grew distant..we would skype but this time around we would say very little and the look on her face was different it was cold. after 6 yrs..when we are closer than ever just one more year of school and she would graduate and we could be together.

But no, she got colder and colder till the day came that she told me she couldn't do this anymore..that it was over....that she needed someone there..someone with her..that she didn't want a long distance relationship that anymore...this is after 6 yrs..after all the good and the bad..after all the I love yous and together forever no matter what. after all the good times and silly arguments now when we were closer than ever she quit on me. She said she had lost respect for me. and had lost love for me. so we broke up..but still we spoke and argued everyday for a while. right before we broke up we had planned a trip her whole family was going to and they invited me. it was to Mauritius. So after we broke up she told me..unless u can make it to Mauritius i don't know how we gonna make this work. Mauritius in case u guys don't know is in the Indian ocean half a world away from NYC the flight alone was 2600! but i did it. got my visa to Mauritius paid for our room. We went to Mauritius still broken up. she said we would figure it out try to work it out. So to Mauritius we go with her family and they all love me they really do which makes it all much worse. while in Mauritius it was weird tho. well she was..it didn't feel right being in the same bed because we still had it all hanging over out heads. But she was herself other than the moments we argued about what we gonna do..it was like nothing had ever happened..loving caring..till we got to the bed of course..later i would figure that was because she had been with other men since we had broken up. our last few nights in Mauritius were great tho lots of good times with her and the family. I was to leave 3 days before they all were because of work commitments(I work two jobs front desk at a hotel, and run a structured cabling company with my best friend of 20yrs) anyways While I'm packing she tells me I was thinking overnight and I decided that I'm going to give you a chance to make it right..I understood were i went wrong by not coming as much as i should have but...it didn't feel right telling me I'm giving YOU a chance i said no..not me. give us a chance. So she said OK lets do this..lets make it right. Her family is very very generous and kind so they had a brake bread last honorary lunch in my name lol with a cake and all. Everyone was very emotional to see me go. so her Dad asked me a question..If you had one wish right now would that wish be to stay with us another 3 days? I said of course it is but I cannot change my flight i live tonight and i would have to forfeit the whole flight and pay for a new one way flight in 3 days time. So her dad stayed quiet and 10 Min's later he goes OK one more question then. If you could make that wish right now you said you would. So my question is..do you wish? I said yea i do but not all wishes come true. He said well some do, so i have a proposition for you. If you wish to stay another 3 nights with my crazy family, I have made arrangements to change your flight pay for your room and keep you here with us another 3 days we would all like you to stay. I have never ever in my life had someone make a gesture like that for me. And the fact that it was her dad was even more shocking. Everyone her aunt mother herself her two nephews all started crying so i said yes! ill stay in paradise with your beautiful family another 3days. He said great now pop that champagne.

those extra 3 days were wonderful. I surprised her and had our butler(yes The Residence - Mauritius supplies you with a personal butler) fill the room with scented candles and rose pedals all over the room and bed. To surprise her when we returned to the room from dinner with her family later that night. When we got back it was perfect magical almost, rose pedals everywhere you can see with a trail leading to the bed with hundreds more on the bed. PERFECT!

So the day came to leave Mauritius and we still decided to make this work to put it behind us. I got back home and things were OK..immediately i planned on going to see her in the UK to make up for the times i didn't or to start making up. bought my flight spoke to her about it she agreed i was to stay with her at her flat. but it all still felt weird. not like the girl i used to know. So a week before I'm supposed to fly i talk to her and tell her look..I'm not going to come. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted. she begged and begged no please come we can talk face to face I'm tired of having important convos over the phone please i insist come. So of course i did. and what was that for? never felt so humiliated..the whole time on and off she would be texting some guy she met on and off. I made the mistake of checking her phone and found a picture she sent him while i was in the very next room...........heartbroken to say the least..

I didn't say anything at the moment she was leaving to school in the morning for 2 hrs class and would return. By the time she got back i was eaten up..i couldn't take it so i broke and gave her a huge hug holding back tears she asked me was wrong babe was wrong..i couldn't look her in the eyes but it hurt because i love her so much. i told her what id seen and she felt ashamed and said that was stupid and silly of her. we went out to dinner this was the second to last night we would have so at dinner we spoke about it all once again..dejavu huh? this time i had things to say cuz i also have been with someone else since we have broken up. but my reason for being with someone else was much different than hers..i felt bitter upset and wanted to get back to her so i used that poor girl who was actually interested in me. luckily she didn't hold it against me because i told her from the beginning me and my ex were trying to work it out. but still i used her. and that was wrong..but that was my reason right or wrong.

i told her about the girl i had been seeing she told me about the guy she had been seeing and we decided at the very moment to have an open relationship. she said i dint care for this guy I'm just enjoying my freedom and enjoying life..which part of me wants to understand from being a virgin to being 23 and being with just one man. part of me wants to understand but is that because i love her? am i wrong for trying to understand why she did what she did instead of just hating her for it? I'm not sure...but anyways we decided to be in an open relationship till she finished school and we could then start over fresh. so that's what we did. went home that night like we used to. happy hand in hand met her friends for drinks before we went home i was to be on a flight the next morning but we stayed up all night exchanged massages and made love till the sun came up. She took me to the airport stayed with me till the very last moment.

but again i came back home this time she was jealous knowing i had someone also over here since we had broken up. she would tell me things like I love you your mines dammit. **** like that...till one day she asked me about her and i told her i had stopped seeing her because it wasn't right for me to be with her if i didn't want the same thing she wanted. a day after that she hits me up and says I'm sorry babe i cant do this it doesn't feel right....i asked are u saying ur braking our open relationship and she said yes..lets be friends for now...

FRIENDS? what makes you woman think a man that loves you more than he loves himself think he can be your friend? and watch u be with other guys who don't care for her..who just want a piece of *** and a sexy girl on their arms to take out...friends? what kind of friend is that? one that you talk to once in a blue? if ever? one that you talk to when u choose to? that's not a friendship..that's just plain fake...and i think no i know i deserve more than that from her..till this day she says i deserve her..but the things shes experienced and seen since our brake up have changed her..i know it has..other people have gotten in her head i know they have..

and now i don't believe in love. not true love anyways. i don't believe in forever..i cant trust another woman. i cant look another woman without comparing them to her..and none of them compare because they aren't her..i have so much on my chest so much left unsaid but since this last brake up she hasn't said a word to me..not a word..how can you say you love someone you will always love someone and not care that they are walking thru hell alone because of wat shes putting me thru? so no..i don't believe in love..i wont trust another woman or give my self to another the way i did wit her because i cant allow a woman to have power over my emotions like this..i think about her all day wondering how shes doing. if shes OK..knowing someone else is having my prize..how heartless is love.

i think imma stop now or else i never will. I lover her still but i hate what she has done to me. everything we planned everything we wanted is gone to ****. and shes moved on fine and dandy and left me here in the dark. now at the age of 27..i have to start over..nah i don't think i can..i don't think i can.

UPDATE 2/28/13

Wow it has been a bit since I got back to this trying to keep my self busy...But today everything seems bittersweet.. I have moved on with my self, My company is taking off finally max my best friend of 20 years helped me in a way that I cannot even begin to explain to you all a real friend during these trying time for me. I finally started dating iI felt it wasnt right for me to date still feeling the way I did. My feelings have changed though sadly I don't see love how I did with you..unconditional. I see now how very much conditional it is, and once those conditions aren't there anymore neither is the love. I want to thank you for teaching me though that love does exist..My best times undoubtedly would be with you not because someone else cant treat me as you did when we were in love or better even, but because I know now what i do about love what to expect from it and what not to. Between you and I there were no expectations..no pressure just love. It was all so natural so smooth it was as easy as breathing even I dare to say. 

I still fear that the best of all the years have gone by just like Bonnie says. I still smile at how ironic it is that our song when we were in love and and had to be apart because of school and work is so fitting now that we are no more (Missing You - Case). I still get goosebumps going to places we been to or drive down streets we frequented, or the place we first met (Mandarin Hotel - Columbus circle NYC). My soul is no longer crying though, I don't get that pain in my chest pulling into the parking lot of what used to be OUR apartment instead now is just mine. I did take down most our memories and boxed them up. Tonight though I noticed the digital frame we got after Key West?? I swear I thought i took out all the pictures of us and you, seems I missed 3 in a row the ones of us kissing on the boat and then the one right after of us laughing because the captain kept making us kiss over and over saying he didnt get the picture right? I wonder if you are that Happy right now..as we were then and crazy **** is I hope you are I really do. I have to say thought that it really hurt me that you didnt even bother to wish me a happy birthday..not even a word which granted i thought you weren't but i gave you the reasonable doubt. I still sent you your orange lilies for your birthday because I know they are your favorite. Crazy how times change...ah thats all for now..i dont want to fall back into this funk. Even though I might still be in it..

the song that suits me right now (Nobody Knows - The Tony Rich Project) "I'm dying inside, and nobody knows it but me. Like a clown I put on a show the paint is real even though nobody knows and I'm crying inside and nobody knows it but...me.  A million years from now I know I'll be loving you still. "

Nycman13 Nycman13
26-30, M
3 Responses Nov 30, 2012

Okay. I read your entire long post. Let me tell you one thing: You are a good man. Your mother did a fantastic job raising you. You are a gentleman. There are good women out there that would "DIE" for a man like you and would take care of you in return. You're Spanish? So I'm assuming you're Catholic. I could be wrong. But if I'm right, you must believe that everything happens for a reason. This is life. I know how you feel. I've had my heartbroken too. I know the exact feeling you are feeling right now. It's awful. It's like you're grieving the loss of a family member. That's what it feels like. It's TERRIBLE. But time HAS to pass, life MUST to go on. And with time, it will get better.
You have to go through the motions. But you will get over it. And guess what? It's her loss. I guarantee you she will never find anyone comparable to you. I guarantee it.
I am sure she is not all fine and dandy. She knows deep down what an idiot she is for letting you go. She'll be back. But hopefully you'll be moved on by then bc she is not worthy of you (in my opinion but what do I know.)
You're only 27. You say it like you are so old and it's too late for you. There are people who have been in a marriage for 20plus years, get a divorce, and then meet their soul mate. I know it feels like it will never get better. But IT WILL. It has to.
Trust me.

Thank you so much. Your reply hit home. I am taking it day by day. I still miss what we had but in trying to move forward.

i read your story ..a long story ...glad that you are able to share your feeling ..writing will help you to get rid of those feeling you are going thru...I hope you will feel better some what. This process of healing is not going to happen over night, because the love you have for her is very deep and sincere. You have to work at it slowly. but i think you are on the right track. I hope you will find some happiness. move on you deserve it to your self

Thank you very very much jenita kind words i hope it passes soon :/

Please excuse my grammar..I was rambling to say the least.