I'm Taking My Medicine Today. Need Lots Of Support And Hugs

If you've read any of my stories, especially the recent ones, you'll have an idea what I'm saying here.

Just a super-short recap: My marriage has been falling apart for almost two years. It received its mortal wound a while back, and a few weeks ago the bond of trust was snapped in two.

Meanwhile I turned to support online. I have no real friends who I can confide in IRL, and decided to give it a try for the first time about a month ago. I found my way here, and some other places.

I wound up finding a kindred spirit. She was so sweet, and supportive, and it was nice to be able to share grief and anxiety and anger and secrets... and I wound up falling for her.

We've only know each other two weeks. Fine, call me a weakling, or a dummy, or pity me for not knowing how it works online. I don't care.

My wife is on final-notice probation with me, and is failing to meet my terms. So I'm going to wind up executing my decision to leave. Meanwhile, my new friend is going through a lot of other complex turmoils and her future is just as uncertain but not as solid yet.

Having crossed the line, it was clear between us that in order to keep our friendship we're going to have to do something about what strong feelings I turned up with. They're very real, and tragic and painful and SO wrong... we've only known each other a couple of weeks. It happens...

So I've been pushing her, as gently but firmly as I can... to break my heart on purpose. So we can put it behind us. It's really going down very badly for both of us. She really likes me a lot and doesn't want to hurt me, and I think you can imagine, I'm in REALLY a lot of pain right now, with a DOUBLE broken heart.

It's really kind of weird on me right now, having to give her all of this support and guidance, encouraging and pushing her to do what she has to do... since breaking my heart is what I'm encouraging and pushing for. It's really hard on both of us. I told her I know she's crying but she didn't respond to that. But I know she is. It must be almost as painful for her to do this to me as it is for me to go through it.

But it MUST be done. It must be done right, and it must be done with all uncertainty out of the way. That's the hard part that's making it drag out and become more painful. There is still some uncertainty, the slight reek that she's not being totally honest. And I have to keep pushing her to make it clear without a shadow of a doubt.

This is really effing me up, and I know she's having a really bad time too.

What's worse... she's my only confidante. I came here because I was REALLY alone processing these feelings. I've met some nice new friends, but pretty much all well-wishers and commiseration... some very kind pms being exchanged and so on. But online I only met one person I can REALLY confide in, who I can depend on to hold my hand while I'm shaking with pain from what I'm going through... and I can't lean on her for that support today. She's the one holding the bottle and spoon, and I have to keep pushing her to make me take my medicine.

Please my new friends, I don't know any of you very well or for very long, but today I'm crying out in the dark for your kind words of support. I will ask her to look at them too.
TheVerticalMan TheVerticalMan
41-45, M
5 Responses Nov 30, 2012

i just dont understand how things get so bad.

Fair enough. I've written stories about where I came from and how I got to this. I had some really good luck when I was younger... My wife was so... awesome. Then a crisis turned everything upside-down. It all went horribly wrong slowly from that point, like a cancer. What I described up above was pure accident, and it really was so sudden we were both shocked by my feelings. They are very real inside me... Not infatuation - the real deal. It's the stranges thing I've ever been through emotionally speaking.

mid life crisis

I find that remark to be very insensitive.

Man, I think the numbness is starting to wear off. This is getting rough. Looks like the friendship has been saved.. but. I don't know. I'm feeling really depressed and lonely now, the odd thing is my marriage isn't important to me anymore - not because of this, but because of what's going on IRL. The weird thing is, I'm barely paying any attention anymore to what's going on IRL. I think I'll knock down some Q&A to take my mind off this. She and I have been talking about the trouble, and working on getting along despite the heartbreak, and it seems to be going okay. But we're in different timezones so it can get tricky to make time.

((((HUGS)))))

TYVM!

I have been where you are and I know in time you will heal...Good luck my friend and never give up on love

TYVM. Most friends are checkin in privately. Thanks for posting out in the open with these kind words.
It's been a really bad day today. I managed to coax her into delivering the blow. We're both in a lot of pain. I went into shock. A calm has descended upon me... Not sure if it's peace at last or still shock with pain turning to grief... Not sure.
Bad, bad day. But the good news is, we're still friends. So it has a good chance of being worth it.

My ex and I are still trying to remain friends and so fr sp good it's always wise to end on good terms...My thoughts are with you

Thanks. This was one-sided and wrong wrong wrong. She and I have come to depend on each other as dear friends and we're struggling to not lose that.