Remember...

Hello Momma (that's what I called her),


Where are you my love? why have you forsaken me? 6 years..6 long years we shared. Full of joy and good times and silly arguments, Remember our first night together? that fairy tale night upon which you flew across an immense ocean just for me. Do you remember? walking out of the Mandarin Hotel to find me waiting for you outside a nervous wreck fixing my self, making sure I looked good for you. Do you remember my face the moment you saw it? that look you said filled you with love the way I looked upon you with awe. I couldn't find one person that felt luckier than me at that very moment. Remember coming home with me? meeting my mother and siblings? although you knew them it was the first time you met them face to face. I remember how scared you were that you wouldn't understand the Spanish well. But you awed them all as much as you awed me, they all love you very much still as do I. I do remember though your scent that captured me that very first night. It was all perfect, I cant help but smile just thinking of that walk towards Central park when I was smoking a blunt and you took one pull and was done! lol. I also recall warning you about those ugly uggs not being water proof and you said nah they are ill be ok!. Not 10 minutes later you tell me your feet are freezing and was too embarrassed to let me carry you out the park said you would squish me. (Silly girl thinking you were fat just because all your friends back home were 100 pounds wet and blond. I think finally now you have realized how much of a work of art you really are). I remember the walk back from the park where you were telling me how one day you wanted us to own a town house just like those we were passing by. I also remember one of the best nights I have had in this short and insignificant life of mine. When we got home and were freezing, How you came up behind me and hugged me and told me to sit. I remember you telling me how you wanted to be mines and telling me you had something special for me. I remember watching you undress thinking to my self is this a damn dream. I remember your black and red lace underclothes how damn sexy you looked. I still cant believe that night! I remember making love to you I can still remember your breaths and how nervous you were. I remember making you a woman...I remember every second and every detail..how we held each other for as long as we could that night before I had to take you back to your mom and dad at the hotel. I still cant believe your father let me have you god bless him for that.

    I remember your face when I took you to Time Sq, the look on your face was like that of a child in a toy store. i remember how you didn't want to go back to the hotel with your mom and dad but instead wanted to spend every second with me. Remember all that momma? from your first trip to me? remember how on that last day before you left you said you wanted to come back to central park? only to rush me back home to have one more go at it before you left? how i wish I could travel back in time just once..id go back and do it all over again much better this time. 

    Remember my first trip to you?! wow i was shocked at what the world had to offer so much i was missing out on it was you who fueled my passion for traveling. I remember the trip to the museum in Manchester looking at all those planes! I know you weren't really interested in them but the fact that I was, was enough to get you to take me there and actually enjoy it. I remember staying on Deans Gate at the flat your father got us for that whole week. Remember that night you thought someone was trying to get into our apartment? lol you made me put that flamingo statue by the door as an early warning system in case someone opened the door and tried to come in, but that wasn't enough you made me take the knife and put it by our bed. I remember how you couldn't sleep by the door so I always did to make you feel safe they'd have to get to me to get to you. Do you? or has these last 6 months since our brake up made you forget all this? I remember going to Lounge 10 and having that magician do tricks for us and me singing through the microphone when that live singer walked by our table. I remember your smile your face how happy you were with me. I remember those pictures we took in the corset I bought you from Agent Provocateur damn you looked so good. I still have them I have them all, all the pictures we took from day one. I know you still have that box filled with all our memories including the first rose I ever gave you. 

        Remember our first long summer together? you came in June and didn't leave till late august. Remember your mother saying if we made it through that then it was official because you didn't know someone till you lived with them. I know she doubted us and didn't like me much at first. But I even won her over didn't i. I remember going to Key West how surprised you were that I was going to take you some where you did not know. How excited you were to be on our first flight together. Key West was great but now in hindsight I regret so much! not just from Key West but all those silly arguments and moments we went without speaking or with our backs turned to one another although we would still wake up in each others arms by morning time. I regret all those hours as insignificant as they might have been I would take em all back and make the best of them. Remember Snorkeling in Key West??? omg I was in over my head..They said those damn lil jackets would keep us afloat. I didn't want to look dumb in front of my lady so I jumped into the ocean knowing i wasn't such a good swimmer. Mistake I made was not holding my goggles so when i hit the water it came off my face and I could not focus on treading water so I was sinking and you swam to me and brang me back onto the boat. You saved my life baby you don't even know it. But that's not the first time you saved my life. You saved me 6 yrs ago when I met you on that dumb website I was a lost soul with no love in my life just and empty vessel wandering in the empty ocean. But you came along and saved me you showed me what it is to fall in love with someone and vice versa you should me better yet gave me a reason to be a better man for you, for our future for everything we wanted. 

     Remember all the trips to Jones beach sometimes back to back. The afternoons spent at 5napkin burger drinking and people watching? The time we went to that sushi place and I didn't like sushi...who orders steak at a sushi restaurant? lol me of course. The hells kitchen wings we loved at 5napkin...I still go there and sit at our booth alone and drink away my sorrows or try to..because it seems i cant get rid of my sorrow as long as you aren't in my life. remember that night at the movie theater we went to see harry potter in 3d and 10 Min's into the movie we look at each other with 3d glasses on lol like..lets get out of here yea? Remember how you talked me into shagging in the bathroom?! that was so exhilarating. and how i threw up in the cab into the bag that had the sexy outfit u were supposed to put on for me when we got home? instead you rubbed my back as i threw up into the tub cuz i skipped the toilet and went straight for the bathtub. I remember you putting me into bed and undressing me..how the next morning u were playfully smacking me because you had to stay up late cleaning the bathtub! sorry momma =/. don't ask my why but i still remember that first night in that hotel when u were sitting by the window in ur bra and panties starring at me looking so happy as I undressed for the shower..Those naugthy pictures we took while you were wearing just my hat and heels. ah how id love to relieve those moments, Remember how we would ALWAYS shower together..you'd soap me up and id soap you up..it was special it really was. Remember sleeping on my chest? how no matter how hot it was you couldn't sleep without a duvet? and would get mad if i kept my undies on? lol. Remember waking up to my kisses? how i made your tea perfectly for you every morning?

      Do you remember the day I got you your promise ring? and promised you id marry you. I remember those pictures you took with the ring...do you? and if you do why have you forsaken me then? why? why don't you contact me. I sit here every single day hoping that my phone rings or vibrates and its you on the other end. Or that I come home and you are waiting on my door step. Will we ever be together again? will i ever hold you again..kiss you. Or has it been so easy to take my out your heart and mind and move on to whatever it is you have? I want to contact you so bad but I cant take getting rejected well I could, But not by you. I'm slowly dying inside without you, everyone says you ll get over it you will live. I will live but will i feel alive? when your the one who made me feel alive? when you are the one who gave me a reason to want to keep moving forward. Have these last 6 years meant nothing? or so little? I cant see couples it irritates me. I cant see people showing affection or my eyes water up. I think about you all day all night when i wake up and the last things before i close my eyes. I still pray every night that this is a sick nightmare that I will awaken from. My prayers aren't answered though because this is all too real. I took down all our pictures today i cant stand to look at them anymore. I don't even want to come home because that was our home. So just coming home reminds me of you. The way you would act when i walked in that door how you would fake being sleep so I could come and wake you up when we both knew you were up waiting for me. I remember our Eskimo kisses...how we would squeeze each others hand 3 times to say i love you when we held hands. How we would race to see who could grab each others hands first. I remember our lil game called smells. How we would keep a tally over the years who caught each other most. I won by the way my love..I was up 3 points by the end of our relationship. I remember how you would make fun of me cuz I called that napkin at the restaurants a waist towel lol. How one night you had something in your teeth and i said you got a lil some some in your teeth and how you told your family that story and ever since then everyone in your family says it. lol we had great times babe..we are worth holding onto i wish you saw it that way and didn't have to do this and experience the pain and heartache that comes alone with messing with people. I remember how you used to tell me you were so lucky that you had me because you didn't have to go through all the bullshit problems that your friends went thru with all the different boyfriends they had. 6 long years momma, some marriages don't even last as long. 

    I'm upset at my self for feeling the way i do when obviously you feel nothing for me if you have cut me out your life and can move on without me. All those friends you have all those men chasing you while your out at the club with them you will have to learn the hard way that they are all just temporary and will all move on. I wouldn't have...i wanted and still do want to be with you till we are old and grey like your grandparents were. it has been six months since we broke up and a little less than a month since i saw you last in Manchester for those 5 days i came to see you. i came to see you even though i felt i shouldn't have because we had broke up and part of me felt stupid for going but my love for you pushed me forward and you didn't catch me. You lead me to believe we were working it out so i left with a notion that we would be ok and keep moving forward only to have you tell me a week later you couldn't do this anymore. Had I known that was the last time id see you i would have said so much more done so much more enjoyed every moment so much more. I wouldn't have argued with you or fought to try and fix something knowing you didn't want to. Instead I left thinking id see you very soon...so much still on my chest and now you aren't around to hear them. Your not around at all, and how could we be friends? I experienced what being your friend is that first month after our brake up and it was pure torture. So i hope you understand why i cant be your friend. I will always want you I will always try to get you back. That isn't fair to me if you don't want the same so that's why i said you should not hit me up...part of me hoping you couldn't cope with not having me in your life and wouldn't let me go. But you did, guess it backfired in my face.

There is more to this story...I will edit it soon, for now imma go have a drink. In your name Francesca. I still love you and fear I always will too bad you'll take it for granted. For now i dedicate you this song. "Cant be friends" by Trey Songz. 
Nycman13 Nycman13
26-30, M
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

I'm sorry about you and her. Although you did comment that I sounded like your girlfriend, I reassure you that I'm different from her. You guys have been dating a long time, so I'm not going to sit here to tell you to move on, because I know it's hard. Just take all the time you need to heal. Remember, she may be gone and all, but you can still find someone similar to her. This new girl may not look like her, but she could have the same personality as her and this new girl might be slightly better than the original one. Keep looking and healing. :) Don't let her be the reason why you can't continue to live your own life.

wow. as i see in you long story, you really seem to be deeply in love with that girl. And i understand your pain. I can say that you;'re good for her so keep it up , prove to her who you are.
I want to read more of this. Good luck in editing.

I want to keep it up. But im already hurting and shes moved on. I cant take chasing her if she no longer loves me...

Aww. Sorry. Thanks for sharing this. If shes already moved on. Then move on now.If she no longer loves you then shes not worth it anyway.You just did the best you can and its time to move on. You can't just follow your heart all the time, you need to think too. There are plenty of fishes in the sea. and maybe she isn't just really the right person for you."Love Begets Love" true love takes love back in return. One day show her that you have move on. That your break up made you a better person. You''ll never know how it feels great to show that to her.If she regrets breaking up with you ,time will come until she realizes it then maybe you would get back to each other again but if not. Maybe you have this destined person just waiting for you to meet., the one that who would never break your heart.