A Bad Sort Of A Guessing Game

Id like to share my traumatic experience to all of you for I believe, there's no such thing as a unique heartbreak. I am sure somewhere, someone out there has experienced this too and Id really appreciate it if you share to me what you did.
So here goes...
I fell head over heels in-love with this guy who promised that he will never ever make a fool out of me. Everything was going well. We saw each other everyday and I believed also at that time that he was enjoying my company. However, I know, there was something amiss. Something I know we need to resolve later on, and that is our attitude towards life. He wants to just live for the moment, I am always the careful one. Always planning career moves and always checking if my life has direction. I have been raised that way. But we felt that we were so inlove that these things I just kept to myself for a while.
We sometimes fought about time and priorities for we have different views. But my love for him grew deeper each day until that fateful moment when I decided to just give up my dream of getting a phD and get married to him as he often requested. I was excited to tell him this, however, suddenly, everything went wrong. He withdrew. He pulled the plug. I never knew why.
Its like one second we were so good and the next thing I knew, he said he needed space for he was going through some financial problems. I believed this. I prayed for him. I sent him messages assuring him Im just here, sometimes I even begged him to let me help him. But my intuition kept telling me that he was not telling me the truth. For there are nights when our cars would meet and his mother (his mother liked me so much by the way) told me that he was basically okay. So I texted him, I told him to just be brave and meet up with me to just end things. I will not beg him to stay if he does not want to. But all he said was he needed time.
After a month, his mother texted me and said she wanted to see me in one of their family gatherings. I told her I think its not appropriate anymore. I was just being honest and as gentle as possible. So she asked if she could meet me in private and just talk. and that we did. I told her all the things that happened and I told her that what I am waiting for  is a decent closure. The following day, he sent me a message telling me that he will not give a closure since he is not sure if he loves me or not. That did it I guess. So I told him I will leave and from that day on, I have stopped all communications to him. It was hard. I am so full of questions. I keep crying every night. It was very very painful and traumatic. It was a roller coaster ride.There were times when I felt so positive that I can get through it but there are those dark times, when my positivity dissolves. This is because, in days when I think I have finally moved on or I was able to see some other guy in a romantic light, he will communicate with me again and disturb me with his words. For instance, on my birthday, he greeted me and told me he got drunk since he celebrated my birthday. And then he would be gone again and then would text again if how I am doing, If I am still single. These words would baffle me once again. 
Its been four months already, but still he has baffling words I could not understand. Just recently, he asked for forgiveness and told me that he misses me. I did not reply in the same sweet note. I just told him that it was a long time ago. Though my heart melted upon reading that but somehow, deep inside is fear, fear that the same thing will happen again. And here I am feeling a bit disappointed that somehow I am still affected. Right now, I could not look at different men in a romantic light. But I am praying with all my heart that I can finally move on. But with his baffling words, confusion sets in again and i cant help feeling helpless. And so Im still in this phase. But hopefully, everything will be cleared in time. 
brbarbie brbarbie
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

Men with a true heart are a rare breed these days. Just as it is for a good guy to find a good beautiful woman. Hope is what you have to achieve your future. As long as you have that you have a future. You also have shown strength in your story. I too have gone through something similar to this though the woman is a little insane and cant take no for an answer. I stay out of communication with her and never hear from her again. You standing and not responding to his message is the first step to getting over him. Its a difficult path but you will not have to walk it alone. Find a man with true heart to help you. Search well.

<p>Wow it sounds as if he wasn't sure about things and that you didn't have very strong communication with him. I don't understand a man who cannot give you a moment to really choose his words and thoughts and get it together enough to talk to you about why he couldn't go on with you. You deserve someone with more integrity for you and himself. I sympathize with what you're going through now in your healing phase. <br />
My advice and something I am doing is to get straight in (my) your head and heal your heart before you get involved with someone new. The baggage and trust issues could move onto the next person you're with. I am working on my trust issues......I caught my bf on a date site redhanded and I thought he was one of the most honest men I'd been with, come to find out he wasn't. I will never forget that kind of pain! If you need someone to talk with you got it. FYI~ my ex was a Phd and a Scientist so thank goodness he was smart and decent enough to explain what he was feeling but I don't know if it feels any better getting an explanation. I still couldn't understand it and he had the insensitivity to tell me on my birthday....how's that for crappy! No matter how you cut it or how your heartbreak happens it's awful! Take care of yourself, it's gotta get better from here on out. Your support group is key I agree!</p>

thank you so much.. ill just keep on believing and praying that everything will turn out for the better. I keep asking myself before why he cant really explain to me. and did i include here that he refused to give me a closure when i asked one? well yeah he refused. so i just told myself that it wont matter anymore. I stopped asking why and just really moved on.

what an awful experience to be put through...hopefully it won't leave you bitter! There are men out there that wouldn't dream of behaving that way!