Why Can't I Move On

My bf and I broke up about four months ago and we are still friends.....I usually stay friends with my exbf's but it's been more difficult this time around. He and I were tons more serious and I was way more in love with him than past relationships. It's tough for me to get over him and not cry about the loss on a weekly basis. He just recently told me I should start dating and wanted to know more about the man I am currently interested in. I told him some things and then just shut down. I think it's odd he would want to know things about a man who replaced him.It feels really odd to me that he'd  be so happy I am dating. I cannot figure him out. Why does it still hurt...this pain will not go away...It still hurts so much....why can't I move on? Why is it so hard for me and so easy for him? It makes me wonder if he ever loved me even....I just can't let go.
Owleeeeease7 Owleeeeease7
36-40, F
2 Responses Dec 6, 2012

hi fishlover!

ive been experiencing the same thing. My ex bf left me without a decent goodbye four months ago. He just left me suddenly. It was very traumatic. For two months i have to stay in our laboratory and perform my experiments like crazy just so I can momentarily forget the pain. But for me, the way I am dealing with it right now, its best to cry the pain every time you feel it. Release it. Though I know it sounds pathetic but you will be surprised that one morning, you remember him but you dont want to cry. the pain will also decrease in magnitude so to speak. Just take it one step at a time. Talk to your support group from time to time especially when your emotions are on a swing. Sometimes we become so irrational because of our feelings. We must think that it can deceive us. I would like to share to you something that I have read from a book (and I forgot who the author was because I came across this while i was surfing the net):

" "I must be happy with myself or I have
nothing to offer.

Two halves have little choice but to join,
and yes, they do make a whole.

but two wholes, when they coincide. . .

that is beauty.

that is

I hope this convinces you to strive to be happy on your own. our happiness depends on us. We can do this. =)

Thanks, that really helps.....another thing is remembering that it wasn't always sunshine and roses.....we had some very difficult power struggles that hurt a lot. I felt like he overstepped boundaries and really caused me pain unintentionally but I still remember how he hurt me with his insensitive words and behavior.

Four months is not a long enough time to emotionally recover from someone you feel you loved more than anyone in the past. I'm guessing he broke up with you from the sound of it. My live in boyfriend of 9 years told me he wanted out of the relationship in February of this year. I managed to secure an apartment shortly after and moved in April 1, 2012. Initially the depression was debilitating then four months later I was still shedding occasional tears coupled with moments of despair. It has been 8 mos now and I am doing much better and even feel very comfortable dating again. It was very painful though because at 52 years old he was, like yourself, someone I had been more in love with than my first two husbands. He moved on immediately and started seeing someone who moved in with him this past July and they are already planning a wedding. My head is still spinning from the break up and he's getting married!
What I learned from this break up experience is that you can't rush the grief. For me it sort of leveled off eventually and before I knew it I felt emotionally okay again. My ex did the same thing as yours and kept making comments initially how he wanted to see me move on and how happy I would make someone someday. I would wonder the same thing as you....".did you ever love me because why would you be so eager to see me happy with someone else?" I think it is because it frees them of guilt and any responsibility for your pain. I also think there is a curiosity factor about "the new guy" that will replace them.
I wouldn't share a tiny bit of your life with him anymore. Let him wonder about you and a new man in your life. I was "friends" with my ex initially too and I don't see him anymore and it's easier. I don't wish him anything bad but it is easier to move on if you let them go. In the beginning it's hard to imagine the remainder of your lives spent apart but once again, time really does have a way of healing a shattered heart. I hope the best for you! Sending a great big ((hug)) your way!!!


awe thanks...I was having a very difficult morning after chatting with him.....I don't think he's insensitive but I think he just hard for him to get where I'm at. He actually has a hard time making close friends because he's developmentally challenged. (Aspergers) This is why I feel badly not to continue a friendship with him..I see how he sort of doesn't want to loose me but I have enough friends and eventhough I like what we have you're right...he shouldn't have dumped me because I have a right to do anything I feel is best for me...I have a feeling he will always make me feel rejected, those were our dynamics...it's why our relationship failed....I am thinking I will limit my communications with him...It's just not healthy for me right now......thanks for your supportive comments.