I Can't Stay...

I don’t know why I’m still here.

I finally believe what everyone has always said about us. What you’ve tried so hard to show me with your actions and cruel words.

We don’t belong together.

I’ve been fighting these words, their meaning for years. I know now that I’ve been fighting it by myself. You were quiet, just along for the ride. But looking back, you never really said anything contrary to your actions. You were always pulling the other way, doing what you were going to do anyway.

I guess I just wanted to believe you were something that you’re not. I was so stupid, that I invested all of my energy, my strength and my love into trying to make this respectable life with you.

Why did you do it? Why did you stay here and let me believe that it was all worth something? That there was going to be some kind of reward or some moment when I would look back and say, “See? That’s why we had to suffer like that, because it was the only way to get here…”?

Why did you think that my life and all my efforts were worth so little that you could sacrifice them for your own selfish needs?

Why did you think I deserved that?

And our children? Three beautiful boys. How you could think that your life was worth more than theirs, I’ll never understand.

More than 13 years together like this. Was any of it real, Rick?

I cry everyday. I can’t face my friends (our friends); I can’t face my family or yours. I know everyone is watching and judging.

But I am too. I watch you playing with the boys and doing your best not to get into arguments with me – staying clear of saying the wrong thing….but falling just short of saying the things I need to hear, now. I’m watching all the time, and I’m judging too. Not just you, I’m judging myself and what I’ve turned into.

Funny, you never had a problem lying to me before – but now when I’m clinging to false hope and I need to hear you say that you’re sorry, that you’ll change, that you love me – you can’t or won’t lie. Even now, you won’t give me what I need.

I can’t forgive you for all of it, any of it. I can’t pretend these things didn’t happen, or that they won’t happen again. I can’t make any more excuses for you. I can’t believe I ever did. It was humiliating, and that you would let me take responsibility for your behaviour is so deplorable.

The list is too long, now. But that last one, the Broadbent ***** — was nothing more than the Village Bicycle. A proper prostitute.

So, in the face of that – I can’t take into account the name calling, the low ambition lifestyle that forced me to work harder while you shared the accolades….the lies, the struggle to make your dreams reality while I bore witness to you stomping mine into oblivion. I can’t do it anymore.

I know now that we don’t belong together. I’m not fighting it anymore. I’m depleted. You can’t take anything else from me… you’ve got it all, now.

I don’t know why I’m still here.

I want to run away from it all…I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice for the rest of my life. I’ve done my time; I want to be free of it all. But I have the boys and they are THE ONLY REASON, I haven’t left yet.

Kie, Fox and Logie.

I will never forgive you for this pain. I know what I want to do, what I need to do for my own sanity. I don’t know how to do it without destroying their lives completely.

We can’t keep going like this either. I can’t keep pretending we can move on – I don’t believe it any more, and the boys can see that too. That’s the difference this time – I can’t pretend anymore. You made that easy.

You are such a selfish *** – and I want you to know that you did this to us.

I will move on, Rick. It’s coming. I’m finding the strength; it’s just a little easier every day. The boys and I are going to try to make something of the rest of our lives.

I have no idea what you’re thinking…but I have to believe that you know this is coming. I hope it was worth it for you Rick.

I hope you never have any regrets.


Homewrecked Homewrecked
31-35, F
Dec 11, 2012