Cheated Out Of All Hopes And Dreams

I thought I would have learned my lesson by now, I thought I would learned all the signs; this is the third time this has happened to me - THIRD time! The first one, was disappointing for he always had an excuse to not come to visit me when I went away for school, but had no problems to go to the Caribbean at a drop of a hat to conduct “research for his book” – he ended up sleeping with and marrying his childhood sweetheart (who was 8 years younger than I), but as Karma goes, she decided he was not enough and took another (that’s 1 point for me, 0 for him).

For six years after that incident I buried myself in school and in pursuit of my career when one day I raised my head up from the grind to see what was going on around me when I met another guy with whom I became good friends, that’s until the dynamics of our friendship changed and decide to date each other. The first year was great the second year became hell. Who goes on so many business trips where the “business” aspect of the trip was more pleasurable and conniving? Evidence of beautiful purchases for birthdays and Holidays were made, but I never saw them, late night phone calls with the excuse of a teleconference and returning home at 3am blaming “late night meetings” raised my suspicions and a very bad taste in my mouth. But contracting a STD and finding email and boldly left phone messages from two women (which none include his mother) of “I love you” and “when are you leaving her” put me over the edge. As a means to keep whatever shred of dignity I had left and regain my power of self esteem and worth, I moved out of the rental home he and I shared and took EVERYTHING – for the house was furnished with mostly my personal belongings which also included the kitchen appliances and laundry facilities!!! (Another point for me, 1 for him – oh no make that zero for he went to jail for tax evasion and the government took his house & car and Ms Thang left him!!!).

Once again I buried myself in work and classes – for 10 years. I spent time in prayer, meditation, evaluating my faults and signals I distribute to break the cycle of undesirable men coming into my life. I remained jaded, disenchanted and unconvinced that love truly loves me. I forgave myself and forgave both of them so I could move one. Over those ten years I found my healing, I regained and rejuvenated my spirit, left my home town and moved to another city for a new career opportunity; met new people made new friends, found I had more pep-in-my-step, was energetic and laughed a whole lot more. Met Vincent on one of those social networking sites and struck up a friendship. We communicated via email and phone for a couple of months and finally met (when our schedules allowed) the first Saturday in May. When we finally laid eyes on each other we hugged each other like old friends who have not seen each other in years and we hung-out and talked for hours. We stayed in touch with each other via phone calls and emails that I became giddy like a school girl whenever his e-mails name appeared in my “In-box”.

For three years he courted me (not dated – there’s a difference), I fought hard to resist him – to fall hard in love with him for fear of being rejected, dejected and humiliated again. But I let myself be vulnerable as he assured me he would do everything to protect my heart and professed his love for me. As one who was blinded by love and encapsulated by the possibility that the impossible would finally come true whereby I would be blessed by the honor of becoming his one and only (and last) love; that vanished the moment I discovered he professed the same dream to four others and continued willingly to dance the possibility of an "ever after" in my face has shattered my heart into a billion pieces.

I gave it my all, I gave him the best part of me and without hesitation he took it and devoured it instead of protecting it like he promised he would. Every dream I thought would come true is gone, all hope destroyed, confidence in the toilet; for I am emotionally bankrupt. I really believed he was the one, his words captured me and thrilled me, but now it’s nothing but hot air. Despite all, I do thank him for the laughter, the experiences , the supposed ‘love’ he felt for me and the new same lesson I thought I learned twice before. Well as someone once told me payback (or Karma) can be a ***** and his day will come. I put him out with what he came into my life with (which was not much) and told him to never return; for I would love to be the fly on the wall when the next woman finds out about his habitual cheating ways (someone pull me up a chair, give me a bowl of pop-corn and a soda!!! – LOL).

The only benefit or positive result out of these experiences is that I did not marry any of them and the financial losses is minimal compared to if I did! I guess it is back to being jaded to what ‘love’ is really supposed to be, back to putting my nose down to the grind and focus on work and nothing else, back to shutting myself off and fully accepting the fact romantic relationships are definitely NOT for me but for everyone else, and back to refocusing on achieving my own hopes and dreams without anyone coming in to **** it up again.
AuthenticLady42 AuthenticLady42
46-50, F
Dec 14, 2012