Going Around In Circles.

Do you get the feeling that your stuck and there is no way out? I have been in an inter-racial relationship with this guy who was my best friend at that time. Its a long story, but in a nutshell :

1. He asked me out
2. I said no, cause i freaked out (I come from a conservative middle class family from India and I was sure my parents wouldnt approve of him. Although people do date and ive had a boyfriend before him, it is frowned upon in my family who believe that there is a right time for everything including marriage - usually arranged)
3. I finally agree since I was attracted to him
4. He goes abroad for work and its a long distance relationship! Sigh.
5. Two years later, my parents find out when he comes to india and all hell breaks loose! They go to the police and complain about him
6. I immediately walk out of the house and stay alone at my work place
7. The next year I interact with his family a lot, help his parents with a lot of health issues; they too in turn call me for dinners and outings etc.
8. He comes back to India for his sister's wedding. His parents introduce me to everyone as his girlfriend and its all fine with me at that point
9. Things start to go wrong from hereon
- he behaves awkwardly with me in front of his family ( its weird since they had accepted me completely and i got along with most of them)
- his dad and mom start forcing us to get married (we dont want to, but they try nonetheless. His dad asks me to get the court marriage form for us but i get annoyed and refuse to do so!)
- His dad has issues with me for not introducing their actual identity at my workplace (I was not on talking terms with my parents at this time and yet he expected me to make my relationship public without their knowing...i did not like that, although my parents had done me wrong, i missed them)
- His dad allegedly makes racist comments about my caste and boasts about how his son had 'trapped' me and theres not turning back.
- My parents and I start getting closer over time, they point out once in awhile that his dad was saying all kinds of nonsense about us and that I should find out if its true - by this time im trapped, too shattered to acknowledge anything - too much into the relationship to get out of it, too concerned about everyone else and not my own happiness. (I was unhappy - he wasnt treating me well, he had anger issues, but i tolerated it all. Sure i had my flashes of anger, but never to give me the strength to walk away or even threaten to walk away)
- We fight every 2 weeks for the next 1 year or so, i gather courage to walk away, but everytime i melt and go back.
10. I question a lot of issues : Issues of racism, of parental love and how far it should go, of relationships..i search answers, but get none. I am just left with more questions.
11. Racism turns ugly - rumours circulate about me at my workplace and how I have a relationship with a 'lower caste' guy. It sickens me, makes me more messed up than ever. His response to this? That i have to bear it, since people will never stop talking. I agree but struggle to gather courage to withstand all the BS circulating around me. My parents hear of it and I feel like im the worst daughter ever. I see the sadness in their eyes, I wish i could just die.
12. Its still a long distance relationship and I wonder what I really want. Is this worth it? He is still my best friend, and has over time improved immensely when it comes to his anger issues. But his stubborness is intact. The respect I had for him is lost, I dont know if i can forgive him for the way i was treated before. Yet, walking away seems like a very difficult thing to do. Somedays I feel great about this, and think that I can challenge anyone who causes an obstacle on our path to being together. Other times like today, I feel like I am just hanging on for no reason. There is too much bad blood between us and our families.
13. I feel annoyed and let down that he didn't meet my parents and initiate a dialogue with them regarding us. He cannot stand my parents, since he thinks they're just powerful and racist people wanting to dominate me with their decisions (how ironic) I, on my end, am too scared to awaken a sleeping giant by talking to my parents about us. I hated being away from my parents for a year and I cannot lose them again.
14. I cannot imagine being with his parents after marriage, I feel used and betrayed and although i dont know if anything his dad said about me is actually true, he hasnt denied it and I know it in my bones that something is amiss.

Yeah, so things can really go wrong when you dont expect them to. I am to blame for them too, Ive been complacent, whiny and spineless. But I think i have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and have learnt to respect myself.

We have broken up for the hundredth time today, I wonder if it will be permanent and if I will be set free from this roller coaster of a ride?
trapped21 trapped21
31-35, F
2 Responses Jan 8, 2013

put an end to it please. he may have been your bestie n all, but people come and people go. He added to your hard times, he didn't understand u, he wasn't there for you when you needed him, he confused you. Move on. Apologize to ur parents n start anew with them. They know whats better for you. And dont forget to pray.

Thank you for those words, I needed to hear them today. :) I was feeling bad about it and after reading this, Im not anymore. Best wishes to you.

Hey there. I was in an interracial relationship which came to an end because his parents apparently couldn't accept me for having a different nationality and ethnicity... Till this day I don't know if his reason for breaking up with me was true because I've never met his parents throughout the entire year that we had been together. Now that I'm more lucid I'm actually kinda glad that he left me... I don't think that I'd be happy in a relationship with someone who would rather hurt me than stand up to his unreasonable parents for me.

well said.

Hi, thanks for sharing your story..best of wishes to you.