Not Being Able To Let Go

It's been almost 4 months that my relationship ended. In those 4 months I tried so hard to let go, to do things to forget him to be happy again and move on.
I might have got my personal life on track but I'm not able to get over him!

I kept trying to be in touch with him, listen to what a mess he was while ignoring my own struggles and pain just to show him that I'm there for him, but none of that got me somewhere.
I told him I wanted him back, I told him what he meant for me and tried to make him feel better because he kept saying that he feels like he has failed as a boyfriend, that he is not worthy of me and that maybe too much has happened between us.
But... nevertheless, he still loves me.

I have been holding on to that, strongly believing that love conquers all. I've ignored my values and almost begged him to come back to me. Not that it is ego, but I've always had a f*** you attitude whenever someone was being negative towards me. But with him I felt the need that I should show him how far I'm willing to go to be with him.
All of this without a success because he still rejects me.

A week ago I decided to give up one more time and stop being in touch with him. But every time I stop being in touch, he starts sending me emails and it reminds me that he is still there. If I disappear, he appears.
Maybe it is superficial but I feel as if this is a sign. We are meant to be with each other because no matter how much we try to disconnect, one of us is getting in touch.
Isn't this called chemistry?

I am dating a new man now hoping as long as I spend enough time with him I will eventually fall in love with him and get over my ex, but I feel like I cannot date anybody else without ever thinking about my ex. When I kiss my date, I tell myself that he doesn't kiss like my ex.

The more I think about this the more I realise how messed up everything is. I don't know if I'm fooling myself and my date. And I don't know what is right and wrong anymore...
Beautyofdreams Beautyofdreams
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 10, 2013

Beautyofdreams, I know exactly what you are going through. How? Because I'm going through the exact same thing right now. It's been four and a half months without my ex (who I was with for almost two years) and I am having a lot of trouble getting over him. Like you, I've gotten my life on track and have even gotten used to living without him, but in my heart there's a void because he's not there. In my head I still believe we are compatible and a hope that we will be together in the future. <br />
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The difference between our situations is you and I took a different approach. You contacted him and with unfavorable results, and I did not contact him at all in 4.5 months - since the break up - yet I didn't get favorable results either. He has not tried to reach me once, maybe that has something to do with the fact that I told him it would be hell to talk to him (out of anger) when we broke up, but the way I view it is a man who is right for you would fight for you. He would go to extremes - rise above fear, shame, whatever circumstances or emotions to be with you. If this man is not making the effort or only making the effort when you make yourself unavailable to him (only driven by the chase), he does not deserve you. No matter how much you want to be with him. Why? Because you don't want to be with a man who does not want to be with you. Imagine a life of unrequited love, of you being devoted to him and him having doubts or unpredictably cutting you off one day. <br />
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Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world, the most terrible loss. It's like the person is dead. You don't know what approach to take, you don't know how to spend your time. I have found though, that the best approach (and although I am struggling getting over him, it gets easier for me through this approach) is absolutely no contact. That means zero communication with him, his family, his friends, no looking at his Facebook profile, deleting his number and internet pictures, getting rid of possessions or items of emotional significance, basically isolating yourself from him. It may hurt a little in the process but living without those factors will free you from someone who is not being right to you now. <br />
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With regard to other men, the others are right - jumping into a new relationship for getting over ex purposes is never good. Somewhere along the way (and I have seen it has happened already) you will think of your ex and wish this man was him, but you'll be too deep in the relationship to say something. I would end it gently as soon as possible. The way to distract yourself with other men is not entering a new relationship but developing friendships with guys, maybe fooling around a little, not bringing commitment or the word relationship in it. Right now you are healing and don't need a relationship - in fact, a support system with other guys in it will be of great reassurance to you. You will learn the former guy in your life who you are putting on a pedestal is not the only great guy out there after all. Don't give up, you've come a long way and you're doing great. I'm here for you. Best wishes.

I completely see what you're saying because I'm feeling the same thing and we keep doing the same thing. I want him in my life but I can't have him in my life...unless he can be there the way I want him to, if he can't it'll just cause this agonizing pain to just keep continuing on and on....I wish I could make a helpful suggestion but I too am new at this.

I completely know what you're going through and I humbly offer this advice.. You can't move into another relationship without first getting over the previous one. I know it's so much easier to just into another relationship to keep you distracted but honestly, it's no good. I've been there before, I've done exactly that and I promise, you're just delaying this pain and causing more for yourself in the future. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

Thank you for your advice. Somewhere I completely agree with you but how long is this going to take? It's been almost 5 months now and I'm done with this feeling, it feels like getting into another relationship is the only way out to forget.
But then again, maybe reality is different..