Broken Promises

I had to practically enforce sleep on myself in the wee hours of this morning.. I took a few swigs of wine..punched the hell out of my pillows till I was absolutely knackered…and I finally collapsed into them, face down and undeniably defeated.

I screamed and screamed into them. My lungs felt like exploding, but my anguish was muffled. Much like how I live my life. Pretending to the world that it’s all good, but suffering behind closed doors…behind the anonymity of a blog.

The pillows did not fight back. T’was naught but a losing battle… I was and AM the LOSER..

Ah to be an inanimate object, devoid of feelings – Lucky pillows! They remained calm, and in fact, they felt fluffier than ever before. But, that could have been because my fingers were weak and jelly-like from all that energy expended – they were soft to the touch of my battered hands. I wonder how many of my cells had to die so that my lifeless pillows could emerge winners with a fluffy finish…

As usual, he was on my mind. I don’t mean to obsess. I DON’T WANT TO! But, for 3 years – EVERY SINGLE DAY (except for when he traveled) we went to bed together. We watched silly things on tv, talked about anything and everything under the sky – I LOVED picking his brain. HE is so intelligent and so passionate about his beliefs and his theories on the world and life – absolutely endearing.

We would fall asleep together.. his soft breathing and gurgling snores forcing my mouth to turn up at the corners. His smelly (divine) t-shirt laid gently against my face as I took him in with each breath. He was the reason I slept.. he was the reason my nights were peaceful, and if they weren’t, my hero was there to soothe me back to bed with his gentle kisses and I Love Yous…

YOU PROMISED to keep me safe.. YOU PROMISED me hope… YOU PROMISED a life with me..made me feel like actually living my life..

But, now? NOW you RIPPED it ALL away from me. Ripped!… Ripped… I wish I could RIP..
My insomnia has relapsed.. closing my eyes is an excruciating thing. The dreams aren’t dreams.. they’re NIGHTMARISH.

I don’t know when I drifted off. When I awoke I was all over the place. What is new at this point? I’m a mess – period. Still, my demeanor was eerily calm… I checked MSN. He had not written. The green light, naught but an EMPTY grey box of doom and gloom.. my relationship with him DOOMED, along with my promises – broken and forgotten…

I showered and got ready for work. Ready to lie to the world again. ..

All over the place as I wrote this.. but, like all other poems, it’s true and from the heart..from a place of destroyed hopes and agony. ….

Broken Promises

I believed blindly
Forever doesn’t exist
But I believed..

I believed blindly
My faith in you immense
My love for you intense

I believed blindly
You promise me hope
You promised me Love
You promised me forever

I believed blindly
Alas! Forever doesn’t exist

Broken Hope!
Broken Heart!
Broken Faith!
Broken ..

I believed blindly
Yet, your promises..Broken
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Your poem expressed exactly what I've been feeling for the past 7 months. I hope as time goes by your heart heals and the pain lessens.