Wiping The Dust And Struggling To Stand Up

Exactly six months away from him. And I thought I was actually moving on. But sometimes you have to face the harsh truth, Im not fully moving on. Everytime he texts me, contacts me, I tell myself its okay to make a reply. I always delude myself into thinking that Im still in line. Im fine. It does not affect me. And after that happy feeling because he remembered me, I cry and be frustrated for the next days to come. I cry and become anxious because Im always worrying if he will still contact me or not. I always tell myself that I am in control of my emotions. No. Its wrong. At the end of the day, it is me whose eyes are wet with tears.
Now came January. Almost everyday he contacts me. I dont know why. There are instances when he said i miss you. I could not trust myself to reply to this because I never knew what his motives were. SO I told him not to take such statements lightly and he stopped but still he pms me in facebook. And the more I reply, the more I came to realize that Im never going to be done with this moving on process if he keeps drawing me back.

Its a pathetic situation. Every night I always have a battle with myself. One side tells me to go and open my facebook account since I wanted to do that anyway, while another side tells me not to because all I ever wanted was to chat with him again. My heart would pound loudly waiting for that message. I could not even check which of my friends are online for fear that I would see that green dot beside his name. My heart is getting tired with all the intense emotions.

Finally I asked him what he was up to and he said he just wanted to talk to me because we are friends. So even if I had to lose all my pride, I have to tell him that Im not ok. Im not really ok. And I did. I did it finally. I even told him to ignore me like before. And he said yes. And I know he will keep his word.

Not that it did not hurt. (come to think of it, he was not serious with his i miss you after all). It did hurt so much. I was crying in the office (thank God they all left already). But I know I have to do what is right for me. I cant just abuse my heart. I have to take some pains to be happy also in the long run. I have to heal also. Im struggling now to stand up finally. I dont really care if he is gloating because a girl is still so affected by his presence. But not for long. Im really going to do my best. Not for long. I promise.
brbarbie brbarbie
22-25, F
4 Responses Jan 12, 2013

i 'm living the same thing, but i'm not as strong as you .. i just can't let him go, he makes my heart beat everytime i hear his name .. you did the right thing, and i really believe that one day, you're gonna find a boy who will make you feel special, like the type of girl you are, good luck xoxo

you did the best thing to move on. i'm living the same kind of situation where he broke up and want to keep me by his side as we have so much attachment. he do whatever he want, telling me he loves me no more, yet called me everyday. then drifting away when he want. now he has a new girl and that hurt like hell. but attachment when there is love is magic but when you have a heart break is a nightmare. i choose to stop talking to him and stop seeing him. my wish to get over this once for all and try to live with the lost of him

you are very brave considering that you have to deal with him getting a new girl. You know what, that's one of my greatest fears. Way back, about a month ago, they told me he was dating somebody and it hurt a lot. That's why this time, we really have to decide to fix ourselves. We should. WE are made for something much better than this.

I did the same thing today with my ex giving him 2 options and one of them was if he could stop contacting me in any way. And he chose for that as much as I wanted him to chose the other option.
It hurt me like hell but like you are saying that you need to do that for yourself. You need to stand up for yourself and not be confronted with him all the time because that will make you stand still and miserable.

I hope that you're going to use the pain and the anger and whatever you're feeling as a powerful source to regain yourself and prove most of all yourself that you can move on without him and that you don't need him.
Maybe it won't come naturally with you but they say 'fake it till you make it' and eventually you will see that over time things will get better.
Just allow yourself to give it some time. I have a hard time doing that because I'm thinking: 'it's been 5 months now, I should be over him' but it doesn't work like that.

Good luck with the healing process.. and if there's one advice I can give you is that you talk about it. Whether its here or with your friends... talk about what you feel until you realize yourself that you made the right decisions.

yes.. I know now that this is the right thing. Its painful now but I know its not going to hurt later on. Meanwhile im just gonna fake it till I make it. ;)

I'm sorry. I understand. I'm dealing with the same thing...how they do not understand the intensity at which it hurts is incomprehensible....

yes. in my case, maybe he does not understand because he is not really serious in the first place. Some people are just too insensitive. HOping that we both recover from this ASAP. =)