Wiping The Dust And Struggling To Stand UpExactly six months away from him. And I thought I was actually moving on. But sometimes you have to face the harsh truth, Im not fully moving on. Everytime he texts me, contacts me, I tell myself its okay to make a reply. I always delude myself into thinking that Im still in line. Im fine. It does not affect me. And after that happy feeling because he remembered me, I cry and be frustrated for the next days to come. I cry and become anxious because Im always worrying if he will still contact me or not. I always tell myself that I am in control of my emotions. No. Its wrong. At the end of the day, it is me whose eyes are wet with tears.
Now came January. Almost everyday he contacts me. I dont know why. There are instances when he said i miss you. I could not trust myself to reply to this because I never knew what his motives were. SO I told him not to take such statements lightly and he stopped but still he pms me in facebook. And the more I reply, the more I came to realize that Im never going to be done with this moving on process if he keeps drawing me back.
Its a pathetic situation. Every night I always have a battle with myself. One side tells me to go and open my facebook account since I wanted to do that anyway, while another side tells me not to because all I ever wanted was to chat with him again. My heart would pound loudly waiting for that message. I could not even check which of my friends are online for fear that I would see that green dot beside his name. My heart is getting tired with all the intense emotions.
Finally I asked him what he was up to and he said he just wanted to talk to me because we are friends. So even if I had to lose all my pride, I have to tell him that Im not ok. Im not really ok. And I did. I did it finally. I even told him to ignore me like before. And he said yes. And I know he will keep his word.
Not that it did not hurt. (come to think of it, he was not serious with his i miss you after all). It did hurt so much. I was crying in the office (thank God they all left already). But I know I have to do what is right for me. I cant just abuse my heart. I have to take some pains to be happy also in the long run. I have to heal also. Im struggling now to stand up finally. I dont really care if he is gloating because a girl is still so affected by his presence. But not for long. Im really going to do my best. Not for long. I promise.