To Be Forgotten..

think what I fear most, is to be forgotten. For three years, all those memories we built…all the feelings, hopes, dreams, love we shared – FORGOTTEN.

My trigger memory is acting up again. I feel as though I’ve been pushed up hard against a cold concrete wall. The sheer effect of being thrown against a wall like that shoots a sharp piercing and throbbing pain through my entire body. It makes me shudder…

It’s RELENTLESS! Just as I shudder, it’s as if someone grabs hold of my neck and throttles me… I choke. I want to cry out SO BADLY, buy there’s no one around me. A huge lump in my throat forms. No matter HOW HARD I try to swallow, it cannot and WILL NOT disappear.

I give in to the pain..I laid back on the old bouncy mattress and simply teared.. I let it stream down my face as I think of HIM. I let the real pain engulf my heart… and suddenly a thorny fist BUSTS through my chest with immense gusto and squeezes my heart…crushing it!.. ripping into it shreds with it’s serrated edges… It hurts so much!

But who are these tears for? No one cares. I’ve been FORGOTTEN. I’m thinking of him – so much..is he?

My first night with him in that room, on that mattress.. My first night ever .. it wasn’t like that… But it was my first night nonetheless… we shared such a beautiful moment. He was so beautiful. I felt like it was an outer body experience as I floated above, watching us.. relishing every single moment..hoping it would last FOREVER…smiling so genuinely..heart brimming with so MUCH love… I was SO deliriously happy… I had him in my ear…telling me he loved me.. connecting with me on an ethereal level. It was just us…

His voice, so gentle. His breath slow, steady and heavy.. his soft moans.. the way he said my name. Everything was perfect.. it was but a dream….. the sheer beauty of that moment cripples me. It cripples me because I will never have it again. That was it. I was so in love, so taken in deeply, so lost in his love, in his presence – in everything he was!.. I felt protected. I felt like everything else in the past could be erased forever. It would never affect me.. he was there. My prince of peace.. my solace.

The tears just kept flowing.. it was hitting a dangerous point. I hadn’t let myself cry that much. I can’t. I need to stop.. because they are after all just copper tears... lonely tears. No one would wipe them away. No one would care. He has HER now… my once golden tears are now just copper tears – they held/hold no value to him. They annoyed him.. angered him.. left him stuck..cornered him… he was bursting to get away from my copper tears… never golden again.

Copper Tears

The heart is heavy
The souls Is burdened
The weight of the world
Heaped on your Shoulders

NO one hears
No one cares
No one knows – It hurts

No MORE TEARS! – Your copper tears
Once were they golden
and now so copper
They hold no weight
No love, no gain..

Those copper tears
That no one sees

Sadly,
It’s these copper tears
that hurt the most
Flowing from a place
So dark
So cold!

Oh copper tears
U hail too often
Your value is none to 0..
Unlike those once Golden tears..
An Ep User An EP User
2 Responses Jan 12, 2013

Why can't love just last forever? .. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing Em31.. it sucks and it isn't fair..

Hi
Thanks :)
I'm not able to hate him or wish he suffers like me.. still i wish he could think twice and feel that i'm worth giving try. i used to think that i' have found the One my soul mate.. u know the feeling that even in the hardest situation he standing by my side and everything seem to be more easy. love does not last forever i've learn that 3 months ago :(

hi
Thank you for sharing that you mentioned all the feelings in my actual situation. Lost the love of my life 3 months ago. he left me one day out of the blue he loved me no more and wanted to live his life on his own. i've spend 5 years with him and what i fear the most is to being forgotten, the old precious memories replaced by his new girl. he cares no more, no more the feeling of being in his arms, that hurt the most is knowing this is happening and i can do nothing except crying copper tears and he does not care.